Note to self

Never ever arrange the chat folder in your Outlook to list according to who the letters came From.
I just read a friend's email to me by accident and I shed a few tears and I still can't stop.
Damn.

Wishes

My wishes for this year:

1. To be able to go to Japan
2. To have twin boys
3. To have fraternal twins (boy and girl)
4. To successfully build our dream house

a day well spent

Neal and I spent the day together since we were both working at home. It was fun because I was never alone. Instead of sleeping early though, we ended up singing songs late at night. Mostly, we sang Filipino songs from our high school to college years. It was fun and I really enjoy being alone with him now, being able to sing anytime, going out when we want to. I just wish we could have shared the experience with Nathan though. He would have liked listening to his father make a fool of himself singing.
It was unfair of me to actually say this year is bad. It isn't really all that bad. It's just that you notice the bad times more when you're happy.
I'm very happy right now despite of everything. I was very happy when I was pregnant too.
I was also very happy when Nathan was born. Even if two days after that was the worst.
Sometimes living one day at a time is the best way to go through life.

Father's Day

I've been feeling better the last couple of days. It has a lot to do with Neal and not being alone. Work has at least made most of my days noisy. I don't get lonely as often as before.
We also had good news last week. The engineer called to say that the foundation for the house has been started. That's one good thing. One step closer to living our own life and one step closer to being able to try having children again.
My hope levels are rising like crazy. I'm actually studying japanese again and looking forward to trips.
I still miss what I don't have. I guess "miss" is the wrong term. Since I never experienced most of it, how can you miss something you never had?
Father's Day was better than Mother's Day for me. We celebrated it and I didn't cry. In two weeks we will be visiting baby Nathan again. I can't wait. I wonder what I'll leave him this time.

vulnerability

I find that spending too much time commuting alone is also bad for my health. Or maybe just bad because I listen to songs and when I hear songs that remind me of Nathan I'm always in danger of breaking down. I've shed tears twice in a bus now. I don't feel sad all the time... It's just that there are times when it suddenly hits you like a speeding car and you're left flat on your back. I still have my small bouts of jealousy. I guess I just don't want to be alone.

praying for twins

I really want twins. I have so many relatives who are twins, both from my mother and father side and I wish I'd have one pair as well. I always thought that it would be the reason why I would have 4 kids was because I would have twins.
Now more than ever I want one. Maybe because I'll be catching up that way. I'd have two kids like everyone else who gave birth this year.
It's so selfish. These days I let myself be selfish. It's wrong but I get a strange kind of comfort.
How do you learn to hope without getting disappointed?

life just makes you think you have choices and when it sweeps the rug from your feet, you realize there's no floor

Let's face it. Life is unfair. We don't live in the movies where we stay to watch the end because we know deep down the good guys will win and the bad guys will suffer the consequences of their actions. The saddest people in the world are those who think they never get what they need. It would be nice to think that for every tragedy in your life, there's something better for you after it. The truth is there isn't. Life doesn't work that way. Sometimes the only reason why the future doesn't look so bleak is because you've reached rock bottom and nothing worse can happen to you.
Sometimes I wish I was like Job. The devil made bad things happen to him but God was there watching out, ready to step in when it got too bad. Of course what we think is bad may be a lot different from what God thinks.
When I was a child I made a deal with God. My parents were in an accident and they were in the hospital then. I asked him to never take my parents before me. That I would rather die before them than suffer because of their deaths.
I was so sure that even when my dad got lung cancer, I wasn't scared because I knew God will keep his promise.
I should have looked into the future and extended my condition to my children as well.
What happened to us was beyond our control, beyond everything we could do and that hurts more. Had I been given a choice, me or the baby, or something like spending more to have a better chance at success, everything would have been different.
If I could go back in time, I'd be a doctor instead of an engineer. I'd make sure that this never happens to anyone else.