Envy

I usually don't listen to our priest's sermons. Yesterday was different though. I think I really got hit.
He talked about envy. He described Envy as an irrational anger. I guess at first I never even thought that I was envious. Jealous maybe, selfish but never envious. I wasn't angry at the world. I'm certainly not angry at anyone. If there's anyone I'm angry with it's myself. How do you handle something you don't have any control over?
Then he mentioned a passage in Desiderata. Particularly this:

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

I have to be honest with myself. I have been comparing myself to others. I don't know why I couldn't keep my baby. I didn't know what I had done wrong. What made everyone else better than me? Was I going to be a bad mother? Was I going to kill him eventually and because of that I couldn't keep him?
I think about all the mothers out there. Some of them starve their kids, some of them don't care. There must have been at least one deserted fetus in the news every month while I was pregnant. I didn't drink, I don't smoke. My only vice is caffeine and even that I gave up for my baby. I still couldn't keep him. I have an aunt who used to drink and smoke while she was pregnant and her twin daughters are fine. I have a cousin who was living in the streets while pregnant, she was probably even doing drugs back then but her daughter still lives. I even envy the girl who went to the hospital once because she was bleeding. She was so young, she'd been drinking and smoking till she found out she was pregnant for 3 months now and she didn't even know if she wanted to keep the baby but her baby will probably still be fine. I am envious of all of them. I don't understand why and I am mad.
I have a job, a home, a husband who loves me, a family that supports me and I'm so afraid that I won't be able to have a normal baby anymore. I'm so afraid of trying even if I really want to have a baby because of what happened to baby Nathan. I'm scared that I'm cursed or something. I've always tried to be nice to people. I keep myself healthy.
I'm envious because I don't think I deserve losing my baby. What does everyone else have that I don't? Why did this happen to me?
I had to face it. I am envious and it is eating me right now. I may not be mad at anyone in particular but I sure am envious.
I may need the time to get over it.
I already promised myself I wouldn't get pregnant until we do get to live on our own. I just need patience and the guts to overcome this irrational anger I have.
Ironically, I can't remember being envious of anyone before this. Now, every time I see a baby, even in the streets, I'm envious of them.
I want to boycott family reunions this Christmas because I can't see other people with their kids. They don't know how lucky they are and all I realize when I see them is how SAD I am.
Even when Neal just talked to his kid brother on the phone, it hurt. I feel like I failed our family because I lost our baby. I can't even end this blog entry right.

Hope lives

Neal gave me one condition before we try for kids again: we should be living in our new house. Yesterday we went to our house and we were happy to find a lot of improvement considering it was started less than a month ago. I don't have any pictures before this but it was just a vacant lot before. This is about 1/4 the work done. At least half the floor is already set up.
We're planning to visit there again next month so we can see more of the progress. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the work will proceed quickly so we can move in before the year ends. I do wish we do.
It's getting harder and harder to be patient.

how heartbreaks work

This must be another stage I'm not aware of.
Do you know how normal heartbreaks are?
It starts out with denial. You're thinking it can't possibly happen to you even after it did.
Then you wish that he would come back to you and everything will be normal again. You waste tears remembering what happened, what could have happened and all the other what ifs but nothing ever changes.
You try to live your life the way it was before you even got together or even before your heart got broken. Everyone's treading lightly by you because they don't want to trigger a crying fit or they keep asking how you are and you're response is always a polite "I'm OK".
Always.
The worse part is, now you're scared of ever letting this happen to you again. You realize you don't always get what you want and your heart is so fragile it can get broken all over again.
Deep down inside though, you're still waiting and hoping for someone to love.
I almost forgot one question. When can you start trying again?
That's where I am right now.

Apo Iro

Apo Iro or Apung Iro is what people in Apalit, Pampanga call St Peter. He is their patron saint and last Sunday, June 28, they celebrated their fiesta. The fiesta's main event is a parade on the river. Dozens of small boats float beside the one carrying St Peter. We went there last Sunday to celebrate mass and to visit the cathedral.
It's special for my family because there are a lot of memories there. My parents eloped and got married in Pampanga. They also asked for me, their first child, when the Fiesta was celebrated way back in 1980. If you count the months... I was literally created after they got home.
I've been there several times before. I remember being able to eat in someone's house, surrounded by relatives I didn't know at all. I remember going there in a bus where I threw up most of the way to Pampanga and we had to go home after we visited the church because I wasn't feeling well.
So when my parents invited me to go their during fiesta, I agreed. I wanted to ask for my baby/babies there as well.
The trip was uneventful at first. I brought Rei (my Fiat Uno car) since Neal's car was in the shop getting fixed. It was a good thing too. The road towards the church itself was a huge trial for us. Shops lined both sides and lots of people were walking on the street. The traffic was worse than EDSA traffic since we had to watch out for pedestrians, cars, tricycles in a one way street. We had to stop using the air conditioning too because we got there around 11am and the sun was too hot. The air was sticky and Neal's shirt was already wet.
I didn't bring my camera because I knew the church was not very pretty. Not to me anyway. It had painted murals and the dome was surrounded by paintings of the 4 gospel writers. Personally, I still like Sto. Domingo's dome better.
We were just in time for mass and we listened vainly to the priest who we can barely hear because of the bad sound system.
I couldn't really ask for a baby/babies. I asked for twin boys like my dad and my uncle. I always wanted one pair of twin boys. Every time I tried asking though, I would cry and I had to stop.
After the mass, we went to a relative's house again. A place I've been in before. It was one of my dad's cousins. We had a nice lunch and we waited till the parade went by. It was the first time I watched a parade on a river and it was nice. A lot of people were there to celebrate the fiesta.
I hope my wish comes true.

Dangers

My doctor started me on Diane 35 again. I was taking it for a couple of months before I got pregnant with Nathan and I started to read on the dangers again because she's making me take it again.
There's this small idea gnawing in my mind that there may be a connection between Diane 35 and Nathan's congenital defects.
My chest hurts. I don't want it to be true. I really believe I can't live with the knowledge that I could have done something to prevent what happened.
What if I had not taken Diane 35 and gotten pregnant earlier? What if I had gotten pregnant months after that instead of one month after I stopped?
Then I realize if I did, Nathan would not be Nathan. I may not even have the same baby. I may not even get a boy.
I promised myself I would NEVER regret anything that is related to Nathan and this is one of those things.

Nathan's possible characteristics

I saw this in Facebook. You just enter the date of your birth. It was pretty accurate for me. I'd like to think this is what he would have been. It's a very sweet description:

You were born on 18th day of April 2009, Saturday.

Your Life : At first glance, people think you are quiet type of person. Actually you are cheerful, but conditionally. You will show your joyful character only in good mood. One the other hand, when you are moody, no one would dare to be around. Because of your emotion fluctuation and frank character, some find you hard to be around.

Your Love : You hardly show your feeling towards opposite sex no matter how much you like him/her. Your partner also has similar character so your love affairs often take quite a while to flourish. Time tells it all. Your sincerity makes you very attractive.

too nice

I sometimes wish I wasn't inertly good.

I wouldn't feel guilty if I did anything bad.

I wouldn't mind getting what I want just because I wanted it.

I wouldn't care about other people's feelings.

I would not need to lie.

And when people ask me how I am... I can finally tell them the truth.