This is perfect for me

The Warrior is a Child
-- Gary Valenciano

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing, strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me, I'm hiding all the tears


They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
Deep inside this armour - the warrior is a child.


Unafraid because His armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest.
People say that I'm amazing - never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies that lay me at His feet.


They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armour...


Deep inside this armour...
Deep inside this armour...
The warrior is a child.

I love and hate this song because it always makes me cry

Hiram sa Diyos

Hiram sa Diyos ang aking buhay
Ikaw at akoy tanging handog lamang
Di ko ninais na akoy isilang
Ngunit salamat dahil may buhay
***
Ligaya ko nang akoy isilang
Pagkat tao ay mayroong dangal

Chorus:
Sinong may pag ibig, sinong nagmamahal
Kundi ang taong DIYOS ang
pinagmulan
Kung di ako umibig, kung di ko man
bigyang halaga
Ang buhay koy handog
Ang buhay kong hiram sa DIYOS
Kung di ako magmamahal sino ako.

name

children should never die before their parents. if it was normal and acceptable, we'd have a name for parents who have lost their children.

ups and downs

As you can see, my blog posts are pretty much a roller coaster. My emotions are like that. I can be completely happy then completely sad in the next 5 minutes. I hate being alone because that's when I'm usually sad. I can have all the hope in the world and lose it somewhere again before the day ends. I apologize for that but then again, I've always been like that.

If I have a boy again

If I ever have a boy again, I'll name him Peter Samuel.
Peter because I asked St Peter to help me get a boy and Samuel because:

So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the LORD for him."

Samuel 1:20

Envy

I usually don't listen to our priest's sermons. Yesterday was different though. I think I really got hit.
He talked about envy. He described Envy as an irrational anger. I guess at first I never even thought that I was envious. Jealous maybe, selfish but never envious. I wasn't angry at the world. I'm certainly not angry at anyone. If there's anyone I'm angry with it's myself. How do you handle something you don't have any control over?
Then he mentioned a passage in Desiderata. Particularly this:

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

I have to be honest with myself. I have been comparing myself to others. I don't know why I couldn't keep my baby. I didn't know what I had done wrong. What made everyone else better than me? Was I going to be a bad mother? Was I going to kill him eventually and because of that I couldn't keep him?
I think about all the mothers out there. Some of them starve their kids, some of them don't care. There must have been at least one deserted fetus in the news every month while I was pregnant. I didn't drink, I don't smoke. My only vice is caffeine and even that I gave up for my baby. I still couldn't keep him. I have an aunt who used to drink and smoke while she was pregnant and her twin daughters are fine. I have a cousin who was living in the streets while pregnant, she was probably even doing drugs back then but her daughter still lives. I even envy the girl who went to the hospital once because she was bleeding. She was so young, she'd been drinking and smoking till she found out she was pregnant for 3 months now and she didn't even know if she wanted to keep the baby but her baby will probably still be fine. I am envious of all of them. I don't understand why and I am mad.
I have a job, a home, a husband who loves me, a family that supports me and I'm so afraid that I won't be able to have a normal baby anymore. I'm so afraid of trying even if I really want to have a baby because of what happened to baby Nathan. I'm scared that I'm cursed or something. I've always tried to be nice to people. I keep myself healthy.
I'm envious because I don't think I deserve losing my baby. What does everyone else have that I don't? Why did this happen to me?
I had to face it. I am envious and it is eating me right now. I may not be mad at anyone in particular but I sure am envious.
I may need the time to get over it.
I already promised myself I wouldn't get pregnant until we do get to live on our own. I just need patience and the guts to overcome this irrational anger I have.
Ironically, I can't remember being envious of anyone before this. Now, every time I see a baby, even in the streets, I'm envious of them.
I want to boycott family reunions this Christmas because I can't see other people with their kids. They don't know how lucky they are and all I realize when I see them is how SAD I am.
Even when Neal just talked to his kid brother on the phone, it hurt. I feel like I failed our family because I lost our baby. I can't even end this blog entry right.

Hope lives

Neal gave me one condition before we try for kids again: we should be living in our new house. Yesterday we went to our house and we were happy to find a lot of improvement considering it was started less than a month ago. I don't have any pictures before this but it was just a vacant lot before. This is about 1/4 the work done. At least half the floor is already set up.
We're planning to visit there again next month so we can see more of the progress. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the work will proceed quickly so we can move in before the year ends. I do wish we do.
It's getting harder and harder to be patient.