July

I woke up and realized it's just July. Time is moving so slowly... I wish I didn't have to live one day at a time. I wish I could skip weeks or months. I wish that I could go back in time...
I want to be in a time where all I worried about was love, boys and work. Or send me to a time when I have all the responsibilities of having a baby that I can actually keep.
Anything. Just not here. Not this time.

Loneliness

I do feel depressed. I think though that being lonely is worse. I don't believe that Neal has gotten over Nathan's death. He just doesn't show it and it makes me sad because I always feel so alone when I'm sad. Maybe if we were sad together it will be ok. We are still going to wait though. I just want to move out of here before I get pregnant again. When I do, I promise I'll be prepared to do anything. Even take a sabbatical just to make sure my baby's ok. I owe Nathan that much.

This is perfect for me

The Warrior is a Child
-- Gary Valenciano

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing, strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me, I'm hiding all the tears


They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
Deep inside this armour - the warrior is a child.


Unafraid because His armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest.
People say that I'm amazing - never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies that lay me at His feet.


They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armour...


Deep inside this armour...
Deep inside this armour...
The warrior is a child.

I love and hate this song because it always makes me cry

Hiram sa Diyos

Hiram sa Diyos ang aking buhay
Ikaw at akoy tanging handog lamang
Di ko ninais na akoy isilang
Ngunit salamat dahil may buhay
***
Ligaya ko nang akoy isilang
Pagkat tao ay mayroong dangal

Chorus:
Sinong may pag ibig, sinong nagmamahal
Kundi ang taong DIYOS ang
pinagmulan
Kung di ako umibig, kung di ko man
bigyang halaga
Ang buhay koy handog
Ang buhay kong hiram sa DIYOS
Kung di ako magmamahal sino ako.

name

children should never die before their parents. if it was normal and acceptable, we'd have a name for parents who have lost their children.

ups and downs

As you can see, my blog posts are pretty much a roller coaster. My emotions are like that. I can be completely happy then completely sad in the next 5 minutes. I hate being alone because that's when I'm usually sad. I can have all the hope in the world and lose it somewhere again before the day ends. I apologize for that but then again, I've always been like that.

If I have a boy again

If I ever have a boy again, I'll name him Peter Samuel.
Peter because I asked St Peter to help me get a boy and Samuel because:

So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the LORD for him."

Samuel 1:20