no pregnancy results

I'd love to say that I was pregnant but I'm not. Looking back at my posts, being pregnant would just get me worried because I got sick and I was present while the house was still being finished and cigarette smoke and chemical smells were normal. I guess that's the good part. The bad part is that now I'm worried that other things may be wrong. It took me and Neal 2 days to get pregnant back then and the amount of sex we had last month should have been enough. Oh well. There's still time. As long as I don't panic. I actually wondered if I've hit depression. I checked out a site and as for the signs, no, I don't have any.

Are you depressed?

If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.

* you can’t sleep or you sleep too much
* you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult
* you feel hopeless and helpless
* you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
* you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating
* you are much more irritable and short-tempered than usual
* you have thoughts that life is not worth living (Seek help immediately if this is the case)

The last line was funny though. heheh.

I wish I had Hyposomia. It would be nice to sleep like a log for more than 10 hours. When Neal hibernates, he stays in bed for 12-15. I can't stand it. My head starts to hurt after the 8th hour of sleeping.

I'm actually getting better. loads better. I don't get sad as often as I used to and I don't start crying on demand. It's actually getting hard to cry.

There are still times when it gets hard but I don't feel bad anymore. A cousin of mine got married and we all think she's pregnant. She probably is because my uncle went up to me and said, "Nakabawi ka na ba anak?" (very rough translation: Have you regained what you have lost?) How do you answer that? "Yes uncle, let me introduce you to the half a dozen kids I gave birth to during the 6 or so months that we didn't meet." Seriously. I didn't lose anything that can be replaced. I have accepted that. If I don't any other child of mine will be screwed for life. I once thought that having twins would "even up the score". That I'd have the same amount of live children as the number of times I gave birth but that's not true.

There's no way the score will be even. There is no "score". I lost someone and I'll never get him back. I guess accepting that is the hardest lesson I learned this year.

All I have now is hope. All I want to keep is hope. No bitterness, no anger and NO REGRETS. I've lived like that all my life, this is not the time to change my views of the world.

I guess next month, I hope I could say I'm pregnant.

pre pregnancy blues

We've actively started trying to get pregnant last month so I will know this week if I am pregnant or not. I wish I could say I'm all smiles but not really. Because last Dec 28, I suffered from a fever for about half a day. I don't know what happened really. I guess my body just broke down since I have been working pretty hard inside the house and I caught a cold somewhere at the same time. We got home and I was already feeling bad. I barely slept and by morning, I was running a fever. It wasn't very high, I barely reached 37 C and according to the internet, 38.7 C is the magic number. However, it's still not enough to keep me from panicking. I don't know why I'm like this. For the entire year the only time I got sick was last week and the time I thought I was pregnant last October. It's like my body is rejecting the very idea and I don't understand why. Something always happens that makes me want to wish I wasn't pregnant yet. Arrgh! Life really hasn't finished kicking me it seems.
Here I was thinking I was getting better. I've actually started taking pictures of kids again, babies really and I haven't been crying. Jealous yes but at least just the normal kind. I guess it's still an improvement. The holidays haven't been rough since I've been busy. Now that things have settled down I do hope everything will be alright. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed.

As Fast As Possible

I was watching this episode of How I Met Your Mother called "As Fast As She Can". It's an episode where ted meets the girl he was supposed to marry but left him in the altar. I ended up crying because of this scene where Stella and Ted talk in the car before they leave each other.

Ted: Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have, I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen. I'm waiting for it to happen and I guess I'm just tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
Stella: You know how I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Ted: Really?
Stella: I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads. I got pulled over. So this cop, gets out of his car, swaggers over and he says, 'Lady, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could.'
Ted: For real?
Stella: No, it's just a joke. [pause] I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.

I guess in a whole lot of ways I'm like Ted there, I keep waiting for my baby. I feel cheated because I thought I would be able to take raise Nathan but I couldn't. It's hard to wait. I have to go through getting pregnant again and hoping nothing else happens during the 9 months that follow. I have to admit, I'm tired of waiting. I am just getting better at not showing it but I still feel affected by this. Which is probably why this really hit home. At least it gives me hope. I may be tired of waiting but my baby will come. He is coming as fast as he can.

my real wishlist

I posted my annual Christmas wishlist in dragonsdontlandhere.blogspot.com but here's my real wishlist for 2009.

1. Hope
2. A safe pregnancy since we will be trying again this month
3. Twins
4. Healthy, normal baby/ies

Is that too much to wish for? I hope not.

Insensitivity

Sometimes I don't know if it's my fault or is it really a fact that some people are just insensitive sometimes? Maybe it is my fault. People who know how bad it is for me don't ask me about their pregnancies or their babies.
I must seem stronger than I really am because I really suck at coping with this tragedy. Yet, yesterday 2 pregnant women kept asking me things I didn't want to talk about, one an office mate concerned about her maternity benefits and the other one a pregnant friend about to give birth in a week or less.
Seriously. Do they really lack any pregnant friends or colleagues or relatives that they have to go to the one person they know (and I don't think I've heard anyone else lose their baby) that lost a baby for baby stuff or pregnancy issues or giving birth? They have mothers who definitely gave birth to them. Can't they just leave me alone? Here I am enjoying my almost one month hiatus from depression and here I am again. Just got back from being hospitalized and depressed. Facebook, blogs, pictures all over the internet, that I can understand.

I just wish people will leave me alone.
They don't help me at all. They don't ask about me or how I feel. Why should I care about how they feel? They didn't know the burden I felt carrying my baby, knowing that there was something wrong and not being prepared for it. They don't know how it felt to be so alone trying to be strong but nobody around you understands how bad you feel. How guilty you feel because deep down inside you know it's your fault that everything happened this way.
And all people do is tell you to stop crying and that everything will be ok but that's not true. I know that the chances are the same either way. Everything can get better or everything can get worse and I don't have any control on it. All I can do is fool myself. They expect me to do everything. Neal doesn't want to prepare for having a baby. It never even occurs to him that we both contribute to whatever happens. It never even occurs to him that something else might happen given our ages. That sometimes I wish I had not waited at all.

All this waiting.

Nothing good ever comes out of it.

every little tragedy

The week has been eventful. I'm here at the hospital typing away. I haven't written here for a while which is always a good sign. I've been blogging in my happy site. I just wanted to blog about something that happened in the ER. When I was asleep, they wheeled in a pregnant woman. I wouldn't have known since she was under the critical section and they always closed the blinds. I guess I was nosy. I tell Neal it is being observant but when the doctor started telling the mother that the choice was not hers but her daughter's, I had to listen. From what I heard, and this is mostly guesswork, the woman was pregnant with three girls. She was there because she almost miscarried. The problem was, one of the babies were not reactive and they have to do an emergency surgery. She was wheeled into the Deliver Room after that. I hope she's ok. As far as I know, the doctor will be opening her up and checking the babies one by one and the mother has to decide if she will abort the baby or not. That's really sad. When they wheeled her, her tummy wasn't that big yet so I'm thinking less than 6 months. I don't think babies can be born that early. I just wish and hope that she's ok. I know how it feels to lose a baby and losing 3 at the same time is definitely worse.
It's these tragedies that make life very important. You have to live every day being happy that these things don't happen to you and if they do, just wish that they never happen again. I can only pray that everyone else I know is pregnant will be safe. They have to be. Because if they aren't, my chances of getting pregnant and giving birth to healthy babies will be slimmer.

writing for the future

Dear Future Me,

I am writing to you in order to remind you that there was a time when you thought you had no more hope. I wish that when you read this you will think that the past you shouldn't have worried so much, that everything was for the best.
I hope you can understand that even when you lose, you still gain, that when people come into your lives no matter how short their time with you may be, you should treasure them and learn from them.
I wish that you now have children who give you joy. Children who know about your loss but are happy when they remember Nathan.
I hope they all know how beautiful and brave he was. How he changed our lives forever.
I hope all your friends are still there for you as you are for them.
I wish that you are a stronger version of me right now. Stronger, more hopeful, better prepared.
I wish that you are still deeply in love with Neal. Growing old with him, raising a family.
Most of all, I wish you to be happy.
Understand. This is a dark time but it is not the end.
Take care, so you'll be able to read this in the future.
Never lose hope. I am your best example of how you overcame everything.

Regards,
The past you