To be fair, the answer to life, the universe and everything is 42. However, 40 is still a pretty big milestone.
I've had a fairly good life. I've had bad years and I've had good years. 2009 was a bad year, 2019 and right now after reading my other blog, apparently even 2014 was bad.
In my experience though, years that follow bad ones are usually good and I had such high hopes for 2020...
Three months into 2020 though and we have gone through a volcanic eruption and a pandemic. My son, who was such a sweet child before suddenly became a demonic teenager and has decided to start fighting me. Work is okay but I am under so much stress I wonder all the time if this is really right for me.
I feel like I am always being thrown into a situation that I am not prepared for and it is exhausting.
I missed my solo trip to Japan. I was so worried of catching the virus and risking my family that I decided not to go anymore.
So no marathon, no solo trip, no hotel staycation and I barely managed to buy myself a cake.
We just went through one quarter and I feel like this year is so long.
Though looking back at the last 40 years, I have been able to accomplish a lot:
I ran a marathon even if my heart could not technically handle it.
I went through two miscarriages but
I had a child even though it was impossible to have one.
I swam with sharks - reef sharks and a whale shark.
I went to Europe on my own.
I broke an ankle.
I lost weight.
I've drunk so much I forgot what happened except for the throwing up part.
I performed in front of people multiple times.
I've climbed mountains, dove down the sea...
I've gone to Japan 8 times now, across all 4 seasons.
I found my soulmate.
I'm basically ticking my bucket list.
I just need to write all this down, finish my novel and I am good.
I just need to survive.
Here's to the next 40-60 years coz I plan to live till I am a 100 or at least live my life to the fullest.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, April 1, 2020
Sunday, March 2, 2014
The Temporary Housewife
I actually wanted to start another blog called the Temporary Housewife. I don't really like Facebook anymore. I just can't live by limited number of characters. I can barely shut up in real life. How can I do it in the internet? Besides, Facebook is scary because you don't know who are reading your posts. Unlike the maximum anonymity in blogs.
So why am I writing again? My firstborn son, Nathan, died 1 day after he was born because of a congenital disease. This blog is actually my way of recovering from it I've always written down in journals since I was a child and growing up, I just lost touch because of work.
I spent my year of grief writing here and I stopped when my second child, Tristan, was born.
Tristan is a beautiful 3 year old now. I do not know how I could have made such a perfect child. He is so handsome I know some single ladies out there are considering waiting for him to grow up and the other parents are already lining up their daughters. Now I am starting to think he's so perfect that God decided that he will be all I would get.
The last year has been hard at me to say the least. Like my 2009, 2013 was bad and kept getting worse. My dad had cancer. His second one I might add, though he has already recovered, the 6 months of chemotherapy were not easy. I broke my left ankle and had to go through a lot of pain and suffering for 3 months. Until now, I'm not fully recovered. I miss running, climbing and any other thing I could have done.
I also lost another baby. Unlike Nathan though, this was a miscarriage. I know it may not seem so bad or others but honestly, for me, it was a very hard blow. I had thought that Nathan was a one time thing. I stupidly believed that all my other pregnancies will go smoothly after that. I was so wrong. Since Tristan was already turning 3, Neal and I started to try for a third baby. My ankle breaking didn't help and delayed it even more but last January 9, I found out I was pregnant. Excited and apprehensive. I didn't think I was pregnant and I spent sometime checking the internet if drinking early in the pregnancy could have affected me. I went in for my regular checkups but when I went in for the 7 week check, there was no heartbeat, no developed baby.
I was devastated.
I cried, ranted about my 33% chance of getting successfully pregnant and got pulled down to earth so fast my head hurt. Worse, I think the baby was a girl. Even worst, if I thought getting twins will even up he score somewhat, now I have to give birth to triplets. It sounds funny but it isn't.
Here we were, convinced and planning for one more child, girl or boy, we didn't care. We just wanted some one else to love. I had my D&C on January 31. Chinese New Year. What a way to spend my holiday. The morning of the operation, I kept hearing "The Final Countdown" in my head. The procedure was quick and relatively painless except for the pain in my heart. I feel like I let everybody down. Ultimately, childbirth is a woman's burden to bear after all.
So now, I am taking Life's advice to take a break. I took 2 months leave from work and I am spending my days as a housewife.
I am writing again.
I like it. Enough to actually consider the possibility for more than 5 minutes everyday. The rest of the time to consider what job do I really want to have.
More than ever, I want another child.
If the gods will be good to me, they'll give me a daughter just to spice things up. Deep down I am afraid. Afraid that I can just end up with one child for the rest of my days. Afraid that even my perfect child can be lost and taken from me.
Life is cruel.
Sometimes I am even afraid life will take Neal before I even get to make another baby with him. He's pushing back again now. Though it will be at least 2 months before we can try again, I feel that he doesn't want to have another baby within the year.
Life can be really cruel.
The good thing is, babies or pregnant women do not hurt me anymore. They just make me feel sad. Some of my friends have 3 kids from 3 pregnancies. My batting average is 1 out of 3.
I cry sometimes. Sad movies make me cry a lot and I watch them a lot because they give me a reason to cry.
Reading through my old posts, I know I can make it. It's just so hard sometimes.
Also, why can't I have twins?!!! I have so many twin relatives from both sides of my family it's just so unfair not to have them. Not that I want to even up the score but still. There's hope.
So why am I writing again? My firstborn son, Nathan, died 1 day after he was born because of a congenital disease. This blog is actually my way of recovering from it I've always written down in journals since I was a child and growing up, I just lost touch because of work.
I spent my year of grief writing here and I stopped when my second child, Tristan, was born.
Tristan is a beautiful 3 year old now. I do not know how I could have made such a perfect child. He is so handsome I know some single ladies out there are considering waiting for him to grow up and the other parents are already lining up their daughters. Now I am starting to think he's so perfect that God decided that he will be all I would get.
The last year has been hard at me to say the least. Like my 2009, 2013 was bad and kept getting worse. My dad had cancer. His second one I might add, though he has already recovered, the 6 months of chemotherapy were not easy. I broke my left ankle and had to go through a lot of pain and suffering for 3 months. Until now, I'm not fully recovered. I miss running, climbing and any other thing I could have done.
I also lost another baby. Unlike Nathan though, this was a miscarriage. I know it may not seem so bad or others but honestly, for me, it was a very hard blow. I had thought that Nathan was a one time thing. I stupidly believed that all my other pregnancies will go smoothly after that. I was so wrong. Since Tristan was already turning 3, Neal and I started to try for a third baby. My ankle breaking didn't help and delayed it even more but last January 9, I found out I was pregnant. Excited and apprehensive. I didn't think I was pregnant and I spent sometime checking the internet if drinking early in the pregnancy could have affected me. I went in for my regular checkups but when I went in for the 7 week check, there was no heartbeat, no developed baby.
I was devastated.
I cried, ranted about my 33% chance of getting successfully pregnant and got pulled down to earth so fast my head hurt. Worse, I think the baby was a girl. Even worst, if I thought getting twins will even up he score somewhat, now I have to give birth to triplets. It sounds funny but it isn't.
Here we were, convinced and planning for one more child, girl or boy, we didn't care. We just wanted some one else to love. I had my D&C on January 31. Chinese New Year. What a way to spend my holiday. The morning of the operation, I kept hearing "The Final Countdown" in my head. The procedure was quick and relatively painless except for the pain in my heart. I feel like I let everybody down. Ultimately, childbirth is a woman's burden to bear after all.
So now, I am taking Life's advice to take a break. I took 2 months leave from work and I am spending my days as a housewife.
I am writing again.
I like it. Enough to actually consider the possibility for more than 5 minutes everyday. The rest of the time to consider what job do I really want to have.
More than ever, I want another child.
If the gods will be good to me, they'll give me a daughter just to spice things up. Deep down I am afraid. Afraid that I can just end up with one child for the rest of my days. Afraid that even my perfect child can be lost and taken from me.
Life is cruel.
Sometimes I am even afraid life will take Neal before I even get to make another baby with him. He's pushing back again now. Though it will be at least 2 months before we can try again, I feel that he doesn't want to have another baby within the year.
Life can be really cruel.
The good thing is, babies or pregnant women do not hurt me anymore. They just make me feel sad. Some of my friends have 3 kids from 3 pregnancies. My batting average is 1 out of 3.
I cry sometimes. Sad movies make me cry a lot and I watch them a lot because they give me a reason to cry.
Reading through my old posts, I know I can make it. It's just so hard sometimes.
Also, why can't I have twins?!!! I have so many twin relatives from both sides of my family it's just so unfair not to have them. Not that I want to even up the score but still. There's hope.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Friday, December 3, 2010
old letter
Dear FutureMe,
I am writing to you in order to remind you that there was a time when you thought you had no more hope. I wish that when you read this you will think that the past you shouldn't have worried so much, that everything was for the best.
I hope you can understand that even when you lose, you still gain, that when people come into yur lives no matter how short their time with you may be, you should treasure them and learn from them.
I wish that you now have children who give you joy. Children who know about your loss but are happy when they remember Nathan.
I hope they all know how beautiful and brave he was. How he changed our lives forever.
I hope all your friends are still there for you as you are for them.
I wish that you are a stronger version of me right now. Stronger, more hopeful, better prepared.
I wish that you are still deeply in love with Neal. Growing old with him, raising a family.
Most of all, I wish you to be happy.
Understand. This is a dark time but it is not the end.
Take care, so you'll be able to read this in the future.
Never lose hope. I am your best example of how you overcame everything.
Regards,
The past you
I am writing to you in order to remind you that there was a time when you thought you had no more hope. I wish that when you read this you will think that the past you shouldn't have worried so much, that everything was for the best.
I hope you can understand that even when you lose, you still gain, that when people come into yur lives no matter how short their time with you may be, you should treasure them and learn from them.
I wish that you now have children who give you joy. Children who know about your loss but are happy when they remember Nathan.
I hope they all know how beautiful and brave he was. How he changed our lives forever.
I hope all your friends are still there for you as you are for them.
I wish that you are a stronger version of me right now. Stronger, more hopeful, better prepared.
I wish that you are still deeply in love with Neal. Growing old with him, raising a family.
Most of all, I wish you to be happy.
Understand. This is a dark time but it is not the end.
Take care, so you'll be able to read this in the future.
Never lose hope. I am your best example of how you overcame everything.
Regards,
The past you
Sunday, September 19, 2010
36 weeks
I am now in my 36th week of pregnancy. Everything is normal but that doesn't mean I'm not scared. I'm still scared that anything might happen. I can still lose my baby. I can't handle that fear. I'm aware that I'm having a normal baby and a normal pregnancy but it still scares me. The last time with Nathan, we didn't go into the hospital scared because poor naive me didn't think anything bad could happen even with the CDH and everything. I just thought we would go through the operation and bring the baby home after a few days. It's not being prepared that kills you. So now that we know the harsh realities of life, it's scaring the hell out of me. I hate preparing for the hospital because I'm afraid I will jinx it. I'm afraid that if I pack my hospital bag and have the baby stuff prepared, I will lose my baby. I know I'm not being logical about this. I'm fine, Tristan's fine and everything will be ok. I just wish that I can skip the next few weeks and go directly to when I can hold him in my arms and then I'll know that everything is really ok.
The hardest question
The hardest question that I've been asked now that I'm in my 9th month: "Is this your first baby?" The first few months that I was pregnant, Neal and I talked about this question a lot. Mostly because of the awkwardness. We used to say "No" at first. But then people ask a lot of follow up questions like, "Boy or Girl?", "How old is he?" and "Do you have pictures?" Which then leads us to explain what happened. We hate the aftermath of explaining to people we hardly know that our first baby dies, why he died and most of all, I hate their reactions. Neal and I shared experiences and we kind of weighed the consequences of our answers. We decided that saying "yes" to the first question would just stop all the rest and everyone will be happy. It was not as if we were denying Nathan's existence. We just didn't want to get hurt anymore. So now, I just lie whenever I get asked that question. I just hope Nathan understands.
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