The Temporary Housewife

I actually wanted to start another blog called the Temporary Housewife. I don't really like Facebook anymore. I just can't live by limited number of characters. I can barely shut up in real life. How can I do it in the internet? Besides, Facebook is scary because you don't know who are reading your posts. Unlike the maximum anonymity in blogs.

So why am I writing again? My firstborn son, Nathan, died 1 day after he was born because of a congenital disease. This blog is actually my way of recovering from it I've always written down in journals since I was a child and growing up, I just lost touch because of work.

I spent my year of grief writing here and I stopped when my second child, Tristan, was born.

Tristan is a beautiful 3 year old now. I do not know how I could have made such a perfect child. He is so handsome I know some single ladies out there are considering waiting for him to grow up and the other parents are already lining up their daughters. Now I am starting to think he's so perfect that God decided that he will be all I would get.

The last year has been hard at me to say the least. Like my 2009, 2013 was bad and kept getting worse. My dad had cancer. His second one I might add, though he has already recovered, the 6 months of chemotherapy were not easy. I broke my left ankle and had to go through a lot of pain and suffering for 3 months. Until now, I'm not fully recovered. I miss running, climbing and any other thing I could have done.

I also lost another baby. Unlike Nathan though, this was a miscarriage. I know it may not seem so bad or others but honestly, for me, it was a very hard blow. I had thought that Nathan was a one time thing. I stupidly believed that all my other pregnancies will go smoothly after that. I was so wrong. Since Tristan was already turning 3, Neal and I started to try for a third baby. My ankle breaking didn't help and delayed it even more but last January 9, I found out I was pregnant. Excited and apprehensive. I didn't think I was pregnant and I spent sometime checking the internet if drinking early in the pregnancy could have affected me. I went in for my regular checkups but when I went in for the 7 week check, there was no heartbeat, no developed baby.

I was devastated.

I cried, ranted about my 33% chance of getting successfully pregnant and got pulled down to earth so fast my head hurt. Worse, I think the baby was a girl. Even worst, if I thought getting twins will even up he score somewhat, now I have to give birth to triplets. It sounds funny but it isn't.

Here we were, convinced and planning for one more child, girl or boy, we didn't care. We just wanted some one else to love. I had my D&C on January 31. Chinese New Year. What a way to spend my holiday. The morning of the operation, I kept hearing "The Final Countdown" in my head. The procedure was quick and relatively painless except for the pain in my heart. I feel like I let everybody down. Ultimately, childbirth is a woman's burden to bear after all.

So now, I am taking Life's advice to take a break. I took 2 months leave from work and I am spending my days as a housewife.

I am writing again.

I like it. Enough to actually consider the possibility for more than 5 minutes everyday. The rest of the time to consider what job do I really want to have.

More than ever, I want another child.

If the gods will be good to me, they'll give me a daughter just to spice things up. Deep down I am afraid. Afraid that I can just end up with one child for the rest of my days. Afraid that even my perfect child can be lost and taken from me.

Life is cruel.

Sometimes I am even afraid life will take Neal before I even get to make another baby with him. He's pushing back again now. Though it will be at least 2 months before we can try again, I feel that he doesn't want to have another baby within the year.

Life can be really cruel.

The good thing is, babies or pregnant women do not hurt me anymore. They just make me feel sad. Some of my friends have 3 kids from 3 pregnancies. My batting average is 1 out of 3.

I cry sometimes. Sad movies make me cry a lot and I watch them a lot because they give me a reason to cry.

Reading through my old posts, I know I can make it. It's just so hard sometimes.

Also, why can't I have twins?!!! I have so many twin relatives from both sides of my family it's just so unfair not to have them. Not that I want to even up the score but still. There's hope.