day 32

It's my 32nd day. Still no sign of my period. Sometimes I get cramps. Not major ones, just minor persisting ones for about 30 minutes then they disappear. On top of that, I'm experiencing major morning sickness. Nausea and all. I didn't even experience this with baby Nathan. I'm still scared to take a pregnancy test. Cold hard truths are not something I want right now.

holding my breath

I'm still counting the days. I'm not sure if I'm pregnant or I'm just really late. I've been late the past 2 months. Maybe because of the stress and the fact that my life has changed but I'm worried. I'm worried that even if I do wait a week or so before I take another pregnancy test, I'd just find out I wasn't pregnant and be sad. It's like my body is waiting for the result before it realizes that I have to have my period now.

Depression still comes and goes. Not really jealous anymore... I feel like I can actually go out and meet babies again. Lol. In fact I have been taking pictures of kids again and I don't feel sad when I do.

It's a big step. I need that step especially since I have to go visit Dawn's Baby Tala and be a godmother to Ariana.

I still cry when I go to Nathan but other than that day and the day I thought I was going to have my period, I don't cry anymore. Ok, the crying when I thought I would have my period may have delayed my actual period. I don't know. I feel like I'm in a waiting game. I just wish I knew when it will end. But if I am afraid of finding out the result in the end, I'd rather wait it out. I've accepted the fact that I may not be pregnant anyway. I bought napkins and they are in my bag. I still hold my breath every time I check my underwear though.

another month goes by

Do you know that early pregnancy signs and pre menstrual signs are the same? It's also hell when you want to conceive so badly you can't trust your body anymore. When I first got pregnant, I was so sure, days within the conception that I was pregnant. Now, after one month of "hysterical pregnancy" I don't trust my instincts anymore. I want it so bad, I fool myself.
So here I am, feeling strangely tired, hot and my lower abs is cramping. It's a symptom of either pregnancy or PMS. The worst part is, I have to wait 3-5 more days till I can do a test again.
I hate that test. I hate waking up in the morning, peeing and waiting for another line to appear.
I don't like waiting anymore.