Good News!

Yup, sorry I have been delayed in posting. Neal pointed out to me that I should be updating this at least. Good news and bad news should have equal weights.

I'm pregnant! Today, I'm officially 10 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Not a whole lot of tummy yet and I haven't exactly been gaining weight recently. I've had major cases of morning, noon and evening sickness. I've spotted once when I did something stupid and tried to clean the backyard. I've had medicines, slept all day when I could and had minor food cravings. I've had lots of mood swings. Mostly work related which is good for Neal but bad for me. I've been too busy at work to write anything. We just finished SCAMPI A and I had to work 12 hour days for 2 weeks straight without any work from home days. I've been stressed because of people at work pushing em to do things when no one else will help me. Happily, I'm now past that. Though I still have a major project just starting. I feel more at ease.

I still have horrible bouts of fatigue and there are times I sneak into small conference rooms just so I can catch some sleep. I still go to work with Neal so I usually arrive at work 6:30-7:00AM and I leave around 7:30-9:00PM so it is very tiring.

There are days when I feel like eating certain kinds of food. I don't eat a lot though. Like my Sbarro pizza craving and I didn't even end up finishing it. I'm craving a fruit salad now. Most of my cravings are meat particularly beef. I once had a dinner of steak and vanilla milkshake. Yes I finished that for some reason. I want soup most of the time and I love cooking Filipino foods like Nilaga and Tinola. I would love Nilaga now.

We're scared of course. Every little thing scares me and I ask my doctor like I haven't been through this before.

I had a dream once, that we were waiting for my baby and my sister suddenly says that's him. Then this cute little baby walks up then falls down because I realized he's too young to walk. He's perfect except his left arm isn't complete. It's like a small version of Hellboy's arm. I was crying and asking my sister why I couldn't have normal babies.

Basically, the last few months have been intense. I look forward to finishing my first trimester smoothly. No fevers or sicknesses. I just want to make sure my baby is safe.

Lastly, I know it's way too early but I swear I can feel my baby move. Not big movements and not all the time but I do feel him/her. Small jabs right in the middle. It's always in the same place and it's not a beat. I hope and pray my baby's ok. All we have right now is hope.

day 32

It's my 32nd day. Still no sign of my period. Sometimes I get cramps. Not major ones, just minor persisting ones for about 30 minutes then they disappear. On top of that, I'm experiencing major morning sickness. Nausea and all. I didn't even experience this with baby Nathan. I'm still scared to take a pregnancy test. Cold hard truths are not something I want right now.

holding my breath

I'm still counting the days. I'm not sure if I'm pregnant or I'm just really late. I've been late the past 2 months. Maybe because of the stress and the fact that my life has changed but I'm worried. I'm worried that even if I do wait a week or so before I take another pregnancy test, I'd just find out I wasn't pregnant and be sad. It's like my body is waiting for the result before it realizes that I have to have my period now.

Depression still comes and goes. Not really jealous anymore... I feel like I can actually go out and meet babies again. Lol. In fact I have been taking pictures of kids again and I don't feel sad when I do.

It's a big step. I need that step especially since I have to go visit Dawn's Baby Tala and be a godmother to Ariana.

I still cry when I go to Nathan but other than that day and the day I thought I was going to have my period, I don't cry anymore. Ok, the crying when I thought I would have my period may have delayed my actual period. I don't know. I feel like I'm in a waiting game. I just wish I knew when it will end. But if I am afraid of finding out the result in the end, I'd rather wait it out. I've accepted the fact that I may not be pregnant anyway. I bought napkins and they are in my bag. I still hold my breath every time I check my underwear though.

another month goes by

Do you know that early pregnancy signs and pre menstrual signs are the same? It's also hell when you want to conceive so badly you can't trust your body anymore. When I first got pregnant, I was so sure, days within the conception that I was pregnant. Now, after one month of "hysterical pregnancy" I don't trust my instincts anymore. I want it so bad, I fool myself.
So here I am, feeling strangely tired, hot and my lower abs is cramping. It's a symptom of either pregnancy or PMS. The worst part is, I have to wait 3-5 more days till I can do a test again.
I hate that test. I hate waking up in the morning, peeing and waiting for another line to appear.
I don't like waiting anymore.

no pregnancy results

I'd love to say that I was pregnant but I'm not. Looking back at my posts, being pregnant would just get me worried because I got sick and I was present while the house was still being finished and cigarette smoke and chemical smells were normal. I guess that's the good part. The bad part is that now I'm worried that other things may be wrong. It took me and Neal 2 days to get pregnant back then and the amount of sex we had last month should have been enough. Oh well. There's still time. As long as I don't panic. I actually wondered if I've hit depression. I checked out a site and as for the signs, no, I don't have any.

Are you depressed?

If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.

* you can’t sleep or you sleep too much
* you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult
* you feel hopeless and helpless
* you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
* you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating
* you are much more irritable and short-tempered than usual
* you have thoughts that life is not worth living (Seek help immediately if this is the case)

The last line was funny though. heheh.

I wish I had Hyposomia. It would be nice to sleep like a log for more than 10 hours. When Neal hibernates, he stays in bed for 12-15. I can't stand it. My head starts to hurt after the 8th hour of sleeping.

I'm actually getting better. loads better. I don't get sad as often as I used to and I don't start crying on demand. It's actually getting hard to cry.

There are still times when it gets hard but I don't feel bad anymore. A cousin of mine got married and we all think she's pregnant. She probably is because my uncle went up to me and said, "Nakabawi ka na ba anak?" (very rough translation: Have you regained what you have lost?) How do you answer that? "Yes uncle, let me introduce you to the half a dozen kids I gave birth to during the 6 or so months that we didn't meet." Seriously. I didn't lose anything that can be replaced. I have accepted that. If I don't any other child of mine will be screwed for life. I once thought that having twins would "even up the score". That I'd have the same amount of live children as the number of times I gave birth but that's not true.

There's no way the score will be even. There is no "score". I lost someone and I'll never get him back. I guess accepting that is the hardest lesson I learned this year.

All I have now is hope. All I want to keep is hope. No bitterness, no anger and NO REGRETS. I've lived like that all my life, this is not the time to change my views of the world.

I guess next month, I hope I could say I'm pregnant.

pre pregnancy blues

We've actively started trying to get pregnant last month so I will know this week if I am pregnant or not. I wish I could say I'm all smiles but not really. Because last Dec 28, I suffered from a fever for about half a day. I don't know what happened really. I guess my body just broke down since I have been working pretty hard inside the house and I caught a cold somewhere at the same time. We got home and I was already feeling bad. I barely slept and by morning, I was running a fever. It wasn't very high, I barely reached 37 C and according to the internet, 38.7 C is the magic number. However, it's still not enough to keep me from panicking. I don't know why I'm like this. For the entire year the only time I got sick was last week and the time I thought I was pregnant last October. It's like my body is rejecting the very idea and I don't understand why. Something always happens that makes me want to wish I wasn't pregnant yet. Arrgh! Life really hasn't finished kicking me it seems.
Here I was thinking I was getting better. I've actually started taking pictures of kids again, babies really and I haven't been crying. Jealous yes but at least just the normal kind. I guess it's still an improvement. The holidays haven't been rough since I've been busy. Now that things have settled down I do hope everything will be alright. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed.

As Fast As Possible

I was watching this episode of How I Met Your Mother called "As Fast As She Can". It's an episode where ted meets the girl he was supposed to marry but left him in the altar. I ended up crying because of this scene where Stella and Ted talk in the car before they leave each other.

Ted: Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have, I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen. I'm waiting for it to happen and I guess I'm just tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
Stella: You know how I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Ted: Really?
Stella: I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads. I got pulled over. So this cop, gets out of his car, swaggers over and he says, 'Lady, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could.'
Ted: For real?
Stella: No, it's just a joke. [pause] I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.

I guess in a whole lot of ways I'm like Ted there, I keep waiting for my baby. I feel cheated because I thought I would be able to take raise Nathan but I couldn't. It's hard to wait. I have to go through getting pregnant again and hoping nothing else happens during the 9 months that follow. I have to admit, I'm tired of waiting. I am just getting better at not showing it but I still feel affected by this. Which is probably why this really hit home. At least it gives me hope. I may be tired of waiting but my baby will come. He is coming as fast as he can.