Going to 7 months

We actually had our CAS (Congenital Abnormality Scan) during my 20th week. We had the best news yet, our baby was a normal, healthy baby boy. I was happy the room was dark because I really cried. Somehow, all the sacrifices were worth it.

We're naming the baby Tristan Raguel. Well, at least until we find something else. Neal keeps calling him "Lord Raguel". I'm not as excited as I used to be. I'm not running around buying stuff. I want to. I really do but I'm so afraid I'll jinx it and everything will come falling down.

I even had a dream where I saw his arm under my tummy. Then I could see him but he was skeletal, and my mom told me to ask the doctor about it. He's fine of course. I saw his face in during the CAS and all his little fingers and toes. He moves a lot. As I'm writing this, he seems like he's crawling on my belly and I'm happy. I just wish I can let go of my breath. I seem to be holding it in all the time, afraid that something may happen.

I know it's normal. Given what we've been through. I just don't want anything to happen anymore or I may just give up this baby thing altogether. I miss Nathan. Funny how you can miss someone you hardly knew. But I do. Neal sometimes calls Tristan, "Nathan". I guess sometimes that's what I'm worried about. I don't want him to be a replacement baby. I won't be having him if Nathan didn't die but still, he's here not to replace Nathan.

Having another baby boy made us really happy. I really want a baby boy first because I've always wanted a big brother.

I know deep down inside everything will be better but every little thing still makes me feel weird. I had a slight fever before the CAS because of a bad tummy. I'm more constipated. I seem to be affected by pregnancy symptoms more than the last time... I don't know if it's all in my head.

I still have 3 months. A total of 22 weeks. I'm going on my 27th week this Saturday and I'm excited to see him again when I visit my doctor.

I'll post pics when he comes out. This time we will do everything right.