no pregnancy results

I'd love to say that I was pregnant but I'm not. Looking back at my posts, being pregnant would just get me worried because I got sick and I was present while the house was still being finished and cigarette smoke and chemical smells were normal. I guess that's the good part. The bad part is that now I'm worried that other things may be wrong. It took me and Neal 2 days to get pregnant back then and the amount of sex we had last month should have been enough. Oh well. There's still time. As long as I don't panic. I actually wondered if I've hit depression. I checked out a site and as for the signs, no, I don't have any.

Are you depressed?

If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.

* you can’t sleep or you sleep too much
* you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult
* you feel hopeless and helpless
* you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
* you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating
* you are much more irritable and short-tempered than usual
* you have thoughts that life is not worth living (Seek help immediately if this is the case)

The last line was funny though. heheh.

I wish I had Hyposomia. It would be nice to sleep like a log for more than 10 hours. When Neal hibernates, he stays in bed for 12-15. I can't stand it. My head starts to hurt after the 8th hour of sleeping.

I'm actually getting better. loads better. I don't get sad as often as I used to and I don't start crying on demand. It's actually getting hard to cry.

There are still times when it gets hard but I don't feel bad anymore. A cousin of mine got married and we all think she's pregnant. She probably is because my uncle went up to me and said, "Nakabawi ka na ba anak?" (very rough translation: Have you regained what you have lost?) How do you answer that? "Yes uncle, let me introduce you to the half a dozen kids I gave birth to during the 6 or so months that we didn't meet." Seriously. I didn't lose anything that can be replaced. I have accepted that. If I don't any other child of mine will be screwed for life. I once thought that having twins would "even up the score". That I'd have the same amount of live children as the number of times I gave birth but that's not true.

There's no way the score will be even. There is no "score". I lost someone and I'll never get him back. I guess accepting that is the hardest lesson I learned this year.

All I have now is hope. All I want to keep is hope. No bitterness, no anger and NO REGRETS. I've lived like that all my life, this is not the time to change my views of the world.

I guess next month, I hope I could say I'm pregnant.

pre pregnancy blues

We've actively started trying to get pregnant last month so I will know this week if I am pregnant or not. I wish I could say I'm all smiles but not really. Because last Dec 28, I suffered from a fever for about half a day. I don't know what happened really. I guess my body just broke down since I have been working pretty hard inside the house and I caught a cold somewhere at the same time. We got home and I was already feeling bad. I barely slept and by morning, I was running a fever. It wasn't very high, I barely reached 37 C and according to the internet, 38.7 C is the magic number. However, it's still not enough to keep me from panicking. I don't know why I'm like this. For the entire year the only time I got sick was last week and the time I thought I was pregnant last October. It's like my body is rejecting the very idea and I don't understand why. Something always happens that makes me want to wish I wasn't pregnant yet. Arrgh! Life really hasn't finished kicking me it seems.
Here I was thinking I was getting better. I've actually started taking pictures of kids again, babies really and I haven't been crying. Jealous yes but at least just the normal kind. I guess it's still an improvement. The holidays haven't been rough since I've been busy. Now that things have settled down I do hope everything will be alright. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed.