Insensitivity

Sometimes I don't know if it's my fault or is it really a fact that some people are just insensitive sometimes? Maybe it is my fault. People who know how bad it is for me don't ask me about their pregnancies or their babies.
I must seem stronger than I really am because I really suck at coping with this tragedy. Yet, yesterday 2 pregnant women kept asking me things I didn't want to talk about, one an office mate concerned about her maternity benefits and the other one a pregnant friend about to give birth in a week or less.
Seriously. Do they really lack any pregnant friends or colleagues or relatives that they have to go to the one person they know (and I don't think I've heard anyone else lose their baby) that lost a baby for baby stuff or pregnancy issues or giving birth? They have mothers who definitely gave birth to them. Can't they just leave me alone? Here I am enjoying my almost one month hiatus from depression and here I am again. Just got back from being hospitalized and depressed. Facebook, blogs, pictures all over the internet, that I can understand.

I just wish people will leave me alone.
They don't help me at all. They don't ask about me or how I feel. Why should I care about how they feel? They didn't know the burden I felt carrying my baby, knowing that there was something wrong and not being prepared for it. They don't know how it felt to be so alone trying to be strong but nobody around you understands how bad you feel. How guilty you feel because deep down inside you know it's your fault that everything happened this way.
And all people do is tell you to stop crying and that everything will be ok but that's not true. I know that the chances are the same either way. Everything can get better or everything can get worse and I don't have any control on it. All I can do is fool myself. They expect me to do everything. Neal doesn't want to prepare for having a baby. It never even occurs to him that we both contribute to whatever happens. It never even occurs to him that something else might happen given our ages. That sometimes I wish I had not waited at all.

All this waiting.

Nothing good ever comes out of it.

every little tragedy

The week has been eventful. I'm here at the hospital typing away. I haven't written here for a while which is always a good sign. I've been blogging in my happy site. I just wanted to blog about something that happened in the ER. When I was asleep, they wheeled in a pregnant woman. I wouldn't have known since she was under the critical section and they always closed the blinds. I guess I was nosy. I tell Neal it is being observant but when the doctor started telling the mother that the choice was not hers but her daughter's, I had to listen. From what I heard, and this is mostly guesswork, the woman was pregnant with three girls. She was there because she almost miscarried. The problem was, one of the babies were not reactive and they have to do an emergency surgery. She was wheeled into the Deliver Room after that. I hope she's ok. As far as I know, the doctor will be opening her up and checking the babies one by one and the mother has to decide if she will abort the baby or not. That's really sad. When they wheeled her, her tummy wasn't that big yet so I'm thinking less than 6 months. I don't think babies can be born that early. I just wish and hope that she's ok. I know how it feels to lose a baby and losing 3 at the same time is definitely worse.
It's these tragedies that make life very important. You have to live every day being happy that these things don't happen to you and if they do, just wish that they never happen again. I can only pray that everyone else I know is pregnant will be safe. They have to be. Because if they aren't, my chances of getting pregnant and giving birth to healthy babies will be slimmer.

writing for the future

Dear Future Me,

I am writing to you in order to remind you that there was a time when you thought you had no more hope. I wish that when you read this you will think that the past you shouldn't have worried so much, that everything was for the best.
I hope you can understand that even when you lose, you still gain, that when people come into your lives no matter how short their time with you may be, you should treasure them and learn from them.
I wish that you now have children who give you joy. Children who know about your loss but are happy when they remember Nathan.
I hope they all know how beautiful and brave he was. How he changed our lives forever.
I hope all your friends are still there for you as you are for them.
I wish that you are a stronger version of me right now. Stronger, more hopeful, better prepared.
I wish that you are still deeply in love with Neal. Growing old with him, raising a family.
Most of all, I wish you to be happy.
Understand. This is a dark time but it is not the end.
Take care, so you'll be able to read this in the future.
Never lose hope. I am your best example of how you overcame everything.

Regards,
The past you

change

I just realized I started this a few months ago and it's been pretty depressing so far. I have a couple of good and hopeful entries but they pale in comparison to everything else. I will do better. Hopefully next month, I'll be counting down to something better. Though that hope may be a little too early.

sick as a dog

So here I am reaping the benefits of a very depressing weekend. I should have known better. So, my last entry should have warned you what kind of horrible weekend I had. It doesn't end there. It seems like all weekend, I had to see pregnant women all around. Even going down in our elevator last Friday. What are the odds that I'd run into a pregnant person? What are the odds that since I was in front I wouldn't have known there was anyone pregnant had someone not said "uuy, excited na syang magka baby boy" (Ooh, you're excited to have a baby boy aren't you?). It's like a natural disaster. It keeps rolling.
We watched television at home and we were watching Mythbusters. Guess what, Kari Byron, the only girl in the cast, is pregnant. Hugely pregnant I might add and stuffing gunpowder into a cannon like it was a normal day.
So really, when I visited my son's grave, why wouldn't I end up crying my heart out?
This is the sick me talking. Neal and I weren't able to go out because I wouldn't meet his friends. Johan and Tin were meeting us and they were bringing their two kids. Their youngest is just 2 months older than Nathan. How can I meet them?
So we didn't go out and I pretty much spent the time moping.
Even shopping at Mobler doesn't help. We were there with this family, a grandmother, a husband, his son, the yaya and yes, you guessed it, the pregnant wife.
I don't even know if I'm just delusional. Maybe there really were that many pregnant people before and I never noticed them but that's not true. I notice it because of the number of friends, family and office mates that are pregnant.
Being depressed makes me vulnerable to viruses so here I am sick as a dog, at work early because I can't go on a sick leave. I have something important to do for the entire week. Actually, till Tuesday next week.
Sick as a dog. That's funny really because dogs never really show you when they're sick. They always make this huge effort to convince you that they're ok. Mainly because in the wild, they might be killed if they show weakness.
I really wish I can just disappear right now. I need the rest and frankly, my emotions need a rest too. Constant bombardment just kills me.
I'm kind of sarcastic right now, not depressed. Maybe being sick helps a little. There's no way in hell I'd want to get pregnant right now so I guess it really helps. Damn Patience. It is not a virtue.