numbing

I'm in a meeting trying not to cry.

I've been working so hard these days I don't even have time to get depressed. Which is good. My control has gotten better. My eyes may water but I can stop the tears from falling. It makes my head hurt sometimes but what the hell right?

I still get hit by news though. I was chatting with an old friend during the meeting to keep myself from getting bored and she dropped a bombshell on me. She asked me to be her child's godmother. I didn't even know she was pregnant and she's giving birth this December.

So here I am in the meeting. The room is full of people and I'm supposed to be listening to the lecturer. I had to go and find out that the world can apparently still kick you even when you think it cannot possibly find a spot where you haven't been hurt, it does. She's not even married. Well at least, last I heard she was having boyfriend problems and here she is 8 months pregnant.

8 months more than I am.

Who am I kidding? Everyone is more pregnant than I am these days.

Everyone else I know either has kids, a brand new baby or pregnant.

Seriously. The world has not had enough of me.

I wish fate would just turn its attention somewhere else. I'd gladly return the house, the car even the frigging PS3 just to have my baby back.

My eyes sting and my nose is probably turning red but I still don't cry.

I remember a time when I the doctor installed my braces for the first time. She said that I'd have so many mouth sores my skin would thicken and I would be immune to it after a few months.

So this is life's way of hurting me until my heart's so hard it will settle on my stomach and be immune from any amount of pain.

I wonder what else could possibly go wrong that my heart needs to prepare for it.

I mean, how much worse can it get?

Am I destined to be the only person left in a desolated world? Or is life just screwing with me because I will never get the one thing I really want right now? SO my heart has to suffer now so that when I find that out eventually it wouldn't matter anymore.

I really want to run away, somehow reproduce by myself and come back when I've given birth.

Neal always says its ok but it's not. He always says it will come but I don't want to wait. For him, I can't just have the baby anyway. I still have to wait 9 months before he/she comes out so why hurry? He doesn't see the difference between counting down the nine months to counting NOTHING!

I'm just so frustrated.

I want to leave.

I really just literally want to go and leave and I won't tell anyone where I'll be going.

I just want to leave everyone. Maybe when I am alone, truly alone. I won't be as frustrated as I am right now. I don't want to wait anymore. This is all hell to me.
Maybe I should just get them to cut off my entire reproductive system. This way I don't have any hope left which is a lot more better than hoping and waiting for nothing.

I feel that even my other friends who are trying have a bigger chance of having a baby than I am. AT least they're trying. Sometimes, I really want to just get something hard and start smashing Neal's head with it just so he'd pay attention. Actually, it hurts because he never does. All he thinks about right now is work. I can die and he probably won't even be able to stay full time at my wake because he has to attend meetings.

If I left, he probably won't even notice.

I wonder how much money do I need to survive?

Do I need help?

Neal's been pretty busy at work and so am I. The house is also getting finished and we are in between contracts so it's been busy.
The problem is, I've been having more down time than ever. Neal's kind of worried. I can't even get through church without crying. I'm always having small bouts of depression that seem to be triggered by, well, nothing.
My emotions are unpredictable. I'd be happy then completely sad the next.
I wonder if I really do need help.
Sometimes it could be anything, any mention of babies, baby pics, people announcing stuff to Facebook... I should just really boycott the world.
The heroine in my mind ran away from everyone and everything.
I wish I could do that. Take an open vacation. Just go away where no one knows me. No one knows what happened and where everybody is single.
I feel bombarded by all the families walking around with their kids in tow.
Do I really need help?
We don't live in a country where people always go to psychologists for help.
So what if I feel lost? So what if there are days when I just don't know what I want. So what if there are days when I just feel bad all the time?
Do I need medication for that?
Everyone feels that way every now and then.
I'm just having a really hard time adjusting. I've never lost anything or anyone that meant this much to me.
I always thought that my life would be normal. That if Neal died first, I'd follow after a couple of months. That life would follow the normal track.
I don't know if this story is true. They say that when Shakespeare's son died, in a way he felt happy (happy may not be the term he used) because he could finally write about what it felt to lose a child.
Except now, it's all I can write about. Death and loss of a child.
I've lost my train of thought.
Do I really need help? Yes I probably do. I won't be able to get that from anyone though. I can't even tell people the truth. I can only write about it in secret.

nothing

Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it?

Should we try again, knowing that something else might go wrong?

Is it worth it? Going through 9 months of wondering and hoping.

I have a bad feeling that another tragedy will be the end of me.

Maybe it would just be better if we just never tried again.

What if that's the life that I was meant for?

People always say that you never know what you want until you lose it.

Life never gives you a break when you need it.

You get what you get, not what you deserve.

Shit happens.

Some cliches can really hurt.

Finding happiness

So yesterday, I was trying to find happiness.
I didn't find it in a box of Happy Cream Puffs.
I did not find it with my friends.
I didn't even find it with Neal.

A friend of mine finally got his visa to Japan. I wasn't even jealous. Japan is the one country I would have loved to go to but no. I didn't care about it. Well, I do want to go eventually and I want to go this year but the house has to come first and I understand that. The practical side always wins over that argument. I'm sure that when I get enough money, I can go there as often as I want, well, as much as Neal will allow me to drag him there. I actually want to buy a good lens before I go there.

My point is, even if I do go now, I won't be happy. Oh sure, I'll be ecstatic and jump around but after that trip, I'll be depressed again.

That's what happiness is to me right now. A quick fix that's pretty much like a drug. I try so hard to find it but it always leaves me.

Like a band aid for a wound that never heals.

Who am I kidding?

I've already established that other things can't make me happy. Not a new lens, not a new car, not a new house, not a trip to any country and not even with a box of Happy Cream Puffs.

I can't buy my happiness.

Today, I read my cousin's report on her Facebook page. She's already given birth and she's so happy to see her baby.

I cried.

Maybe that's the happiness I'm looking for.

Something I felt for one day. Before fate took it away.

I want it back.

Why?

Why do I hang on the idea that I am pregnant even when I'm bleeding. I never had first trimester bleeding with Nathan. Why do I torture myself anyway? I feel like if I resign to the fact that I'm not pregnant, I'm just one stupid fat person who stopped going to the gym.

hope creeps

Hope keeps creeping up to me today. It made me read about bleeding during pregnancy which is apparently possible especially during the first month.

I hate it because it will just make the result hurt more. Why can't I just let this go now?

drowning your sorrow

So it turns out I may not be pregnant after all. I am definitely spotting and it is way too late for implantation blood or whatever. I can't believe how much this is affecting me. Considering I have been getting my period for 7 months now. I guess I'm just really saddened by this because I really wanted it. But miracles can't happen if only one of you wants it.

I have a heavy heart. I feel it on top of my stomach now, instead of my chest. I wish it was easy to drown my sorrow. I wish I could just go out and shop and be happy. The problem is, it only distracts me. It doesn't make me happy. Similar to when I started going out and Neal wanted me to buy all these things to keep me occupied. It kept me occupied but deep down inside I still longed to buy baby toys, clothes and all those stupid things you really don't need but manage to worm their way into your hearts through cuteness.

I want that. Years of buying other children toys for Christmas and this Christmas I can't even buy my son a toy. After all those months of waiting and planning... checking out all the toys that I want, books I was going to read to him. Now I have to wait for 9 more months plus whatever number of months Neal wants to wait.

I hate waiting.

I hate Halloween where people will be parading their children in the office again.

I hate October because all the stores have baby sales.

I hate Christmas because everyone will be bringing their children to malls buying them gifts.

I hate going anywhere to celebrate Christmas because their families are complete and they all have healthy babies and kids.

I hate Neal for making me wait. I think it's unfair but I can't do anything about it.

I hate crying. I cry whenever I'm alone these days and I am alone most of the time.

Most of all, I hate the fact that even after 7 months I apparently still can't let go.

a little red

I've been crying since last night. Now even at work, it doesn't really help. It's a good thing I'm inside a small room so no one can see that sometimes, tears just fall out of my eyes for no reason.

I was felling really bad yesterday. Another all time low. I felt like I was going to have UTI or something. My legs felt weird and there was a creeping pain from my navel down to my feet.

Last night, I laid down on my back, placed my hand on my stomach and felt for a sign. I realized how much I wanted to be pregnant.

Today I am feeling better but I'm seeing a little red. Well, brown to be precise whenever I urinate. So now the possibility of my period arriving looms above me like dark clouds. I realize I hate the idea of not being pregnant more than the idea that I may be pregnant but sick.

It's really selfish.

I'm really selfish. I can't even see my friend who is around 6 months pregnant now because I just can't face her. She's reading this and I hope she understands that I don't really want to miss her first pregnancy just because I can't handle my pain.

Yesterday I was 100% sure I was pregnant. My body was changing, I was experiencing some form of morning sickness, I feel tired and sometimes I feel like I want to throw up.

Today, I realize just how strong my mind can be over my body to be able to fool it just because I really wanted to be pregnant.

I'm not completely devoid of hope. I know I can fight back because that's what I'm good at. Fighting for what I want. Not quietly accepting whatever fate brings me.

It's just so hard because this is not something I can do by myself. I need Neal for one thing and I also need another 9 months of waiting for everything to finally change.

But right now, here in this small space while I'm writing to you, my faceless, unresponsive blog, tears are still falling from my eyes and I wonder how I can explain to everyone why my eyes are a little red.

the truth

Last Saturday was the first Saturday. Ominous typhoon warnings kept me and Neal from going to Alabang. The sky was pretty clear though and after a brief discussion, Neal and I decided that we will go to church and visit Nathan.

I heard him and my mom in the kitchen.
Neal: Pia and I are going to church with you. She's just going to cry again though.
Mom: We really can't help it. She'll keep crying till she has a child.

That is true isn't it? I will be crying until I give birth to a normal healthy baby that I can actually keep this time for more than a day.

Losing a child before you die is not something that's easy to get over.

bad omens

I've been scared to go back to bed recently. I haven't been sleeping properly and sometimes I go to the bathroom convincing myself that I just need to pee. The last two nights though have been rough. I feel like someone has been watching in the living room and I can't cross 10 feet (bathroom door to bed) in the darkness without someone awake. That someone is always neal.

I also had a nightmare last night
I dreamt that insects were crawling out of me. At first I though they were just inside my clothes but when I took them off, I realized they were coming from inside me. I had two running stitches on both sides of my body where my skin was just healing. I had one big worm stuck to my ass and I pulled it off against Neal's wishes since he was worried but I just wanted them to go away and I killed it with my hands. I woke up with my butt feeling strangely violated.

A short trip to Google and I found out that the insect type was important. I knew that the insects crawling out of me were cockroaches but the one in me was like a worm from Dune. Cockroaches symbolizes need for renewal and a need to rethink major aspects of my life. The worm is a little more complicated. It was inside me partly and I knew it was feeding off me so it probably represents something negative, a low opinion of myself or negative thoughts (most likely the latter). Freeing myself from the worm even if it was painful means I may be striving to free myself of negative thoughts. Killing the worm after getting it off me is a good omen I guess. After the worm killing thing, the cockroaches stopped coming from inside me and my stitches were partly healed. It's been a while since I've had symbolic dreams.

The ghost hanging around our house bothers me. It's usually a sign of a friend dying. Someone whose death will affect me. I hope everyone is okay.

Funeral Blues by W H Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

countdown

By my calculations, I should be able to know if I am pregnant or not by Oct 12. I would have been late for one day and I can test myself. I've been having midday sicknesses. I'm really a morning person but I find myself tired after lunch. Lately I've been feeling sick too and I don't feel like throwing up on regular days. The only thing I hate are the little pains and aches that don't seem normal to pregnancy. I could just be sick, I could be pregnant and sick, I could be sick and pregnant normally or if I'm really lucky, I could be pregnant with twins which is why I feel more sick and tired everyday. I wish it is true.