a little red

I've been crying since last night. Now even at work, it doesn't really help. It's a good thing I'm inside a small room so no one can see that sometimes, tears just fall out of my eyes for no reason.

I was felling really bad yesterday. Another all time low. I felt like I was going to have UTI or something. My legs felt weird and there was a creeping pain from my navel down to my feet.

Last night, I laid down on my back, placed my hand on my stomach and felt for a sign. I realized how much I wanted to be pregnant.

Today I am feeling better but I'm seeing a little red. Well, brown to be precise whenever I urinate. So now the possibility of my period arriving looms above me like dark clouds. I realize I hate the idea of not being pregnant more than the idea that I may be pregnant but sick.

It's really selfish.

I'm really selfish. I can't even see my friend who is around 6 months pregnant now because I just can't face her. She's reading this and I hope she understands that I don't really want to miss her first pregnancy just because I can't handle my pain.

Yesterday I was 100% sure I was pregnant. My body was changing, I was experiencing some form of morning sickness, I feel tired and sometimes I feel like I want to throw up.

Today, I realize just how strong my mind can be over my body to be able to fool it just because I really wanted to be pregnant.

I'm not completely devoid of hope. I know I can fight back because that's what I'm good at. Fighting for what I want. Not quietly accepting whatever fate brings me.

It's just so hard because this is not something I can do by myself. I need Neal for one thing and I also need another 9 months of waiting for everything to finally change.

But right now, here in this small space while I'm writing to you, my faceless, unresponsive blog, tears are still falling from my eyes and I wonder how I can explain to everyone why my eyes are a little red.