Finding happiness

So yesterday, I was trying to find happiness.
I didn't find it in a box of Happy Cream Puffs.
I did not find it with my friends.
I didn't even find it with Neal.

A friend of mine finally got his visa to Japan. I wasn't even jealous. Japan is the one country I would have loved to go to but no. I didn't care about it. Well, I do want to go eventually and I want to go this year but the house has to come first and I understand that. The practical side always wins over that argument. I'm sure that when I get enough money, I can go there as often as I want, well, as much as Neal will allow me to drag him there. I actually want to buy a good lens before I go there.

My point is, even if I do go now, I won't be happy. Oh sure, I'll be ecstatic and jump around but after that trip, I'll be depressed again.

That's what happiness is to me right now. A quick fix that's pretty much like a drug. I try so hard to find it but it always leaves me.

Like a band aid for a wound that never heals.

Who am I kidding?

I've already established that other things can't make me happy. Not a new lens, not a new car, not a new house, not a trip to any country and not even with a box of Happy Cream Puffs.

I can't buy my happiness.

Today, I read my cousin's report on her Facebook page. She's already given birth and she's so happy to see her baby.

I cried.

Maybe that's the happiness I'm looking for.

Something I felt for one day. Before fate took it away.

I want it back.