As Fast As Possible

I was watching this episode of How I Met Your Mother called "As Fast As She Can". It's an episode where ted meets the girl he was supposed to marry but left him in the altar. I ended up crying because of this scene where Stella and Ted talk in the car before they leave each other.

Ted: Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have, I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen. I'm waiting for it to happen and I guess I'm just tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
Stella: You know how I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Ted: Really?
Stella: I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads. I got pulled over. So this cop, gets out of his car, swaggers over and he says, 'Lady, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could.'
Ted: For real?
Stella: No, it's just a joke. [pause] I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.

I guess in a whole lot of ways I'm like Ted there, I keep waiting for my baby. I feel cheated because I thought I would be able to take raise Nathan but I couldn't. It's hard to wait. I have to go through getting pregnant again and hoping nothing else happens during the 9 months that follow. I have to admit, I'm tired of waiting. I am just getting better at not showing it but I still feel affected by this. Which is probably why this really hit home. At least it gives me hope. I may be tired of waiting but my baby will come. He is coming as fast as he can.

my real wishlist

I posted my annual Christmas wishlist in dragonsdontlandhere.blogspot.com but here's my real wishlist for 2009.

1. Hope
2. A safe pregnancy since we will be trying again this month
3. Twins
4. Healthy, normal baby/ies

Is that too much to wish for? I hope not.

Insensitivity

Sometimes I don't know if it's my fault or is it really a fact that some people are just insensitive sometimes? Maybe it is my fault. People who know how bad it is for me don't ask me about their pregnancies or their babies.
I must seem stronger than I really am because I really suck at coping with this tragedy. Yet, yesterday 2 pregnant women kept asking me things I didn't want to talk about, one an office mate concerned about her maternity benefits and the other one a pregnant friend about to give birth in a week or less.
Seriously. Do they really lack any pregnant friends or colleagues or relatives that they have to go to the one person they know (and I don't think I've heard anyone else lose their baby) that lost a baby for baby stuff or pregnancy issues or giving birth? They have mothers who definitely gave birth to them. Can't they just leave me alone? Here I am enjoying my almost one month hiatus from depression and here I am again. Just got back from being hospitalized and depressed. Facebook, blogs, pictures all over the internet, that I can understand.

I just wish people will leave me alone.
They don't help me at all. They don't ask about me or how I feel. Why should I care about how they feel? They didn't know the burden I felt carrying my baby, knowing that there was something wrong and not being prepared for it. They don't know how it felt to be so alone trying to be strong but nobody around you understands how bad you feel. How guilty you feel because deep down inside you know it's your fault that everything happened this way.
And all people do is tell you to stop crying and that everything will be ok but that's not true. I know that the chances are the same either way. Everything can get better or everything can get worse and I don't have any control on it. All I can do is fool myself. They expect me to do everything. Neal doesn't want to prepare for having a baby. It never even occurs to him that we both contribute to whatever happens. It never even occurs to him that something else might happen given our ages. That sometimes I wish I had not waited at all.

All this waiting.

Nothing good ever comes out of it.

every little tragedy

The week has been eventful. I'm here at the hospital typing away. I haven't written here for a while which is always a good sign. I've been blogging in my happy site. I just wanted to blog about something that happened in the ER. When I was asleep, they wheeled in a pregnant woman. I wouldn't have known since she was under the critical section and they always closed the blinds. I guess I was nosy. I tell Neal it is being observant but when the doctor started telling the mother that the choice was not hers but her daughter's, I had to listen. From what I heard, and this is mostly guesswork, the woman was pregnant with three girls. She was there because she almost miscarried. The problem was, one of the babies were not reactive and they have to do an emergency surgery. She was wheeled into the Deliver Room after that. I hope she's ok. As far as I know, the doctor will be opening her up and checking the babies one by one and the mother has to decide if she will abort the baby or not. That's really sad. When they wheeled her, her tummy wasn't that big yet so I'm thinking less than 6 months. I don't think babies can be born that early. I just wish and hope that she's ok. I know how it feels to lose a baby and losing 3 at the same time is definitely worse.
It's these tragedies that make life very important. You have to live every day being happy that these things don't happen to you and if they do, just wish that they never happen again. I can only pray that everyone else I know is pregnant will be safe. They have to be. Because if they aren't, my chances of getting pregnant and giving birth to healthy babies will be slimmer.

writing for the future

Dear Future Me,

I am writing to you in order to remind you that there was a time when you thought you had no more hope. I wish that when you read this you will think that the past you shouldn't have worried so much, that everything was for the best.
I hope you can understand that even when you lose, you still gain, that when people come into your lives no matter how short their time with you may be, you should treasure them and learn from them.
I wish that you now have children who give you joy. Children who know about your loss but are happy when they remember Nathan.
I hope they all know how beautiful and brave he was. How he changed our lives forever.
I hope all your friends are still there for you as you are for them.
I wish that you are a stronger version of me right now. Stronger, more hopeful, better prepared.
I wish that you are still deeply in love with Neal. Growing old with him, raising a family.
Most of all, I wish you to be happy.
Understand. This is a dark time but it is not the end.
Take care, so you'll be able to read this in the future.
Never lose hope. I am your best example of how you overcame everything.

Regards,
The past you

change

I just realized I started this a few months ago and it's been pretty depressing so far. I have a couple of good and hopeful entries but they pale in comparison to everything else. I will do better. Hopefully next month, I'll be counting down to something better. Though that hope may be a little too early.

sick as a dog

So here I am reaping the benefits of a very depressing weekend. I should have known better. So, my last entry should have warned you what kind of horrible weekend I had. It doesn't end there. It seems like all weekend, I had to see pregnant women all around. Even going down in our elevator last Friday. What are the odds that I'd run into a pregnant person? What are the odds that since I was in front I wouldn't have known there was anyone pregnant had someone not said "uuy, excited na syang magka baby boy" (Ooh, you're excited to have a baby boy aren't you?). It's like a natural disaster. It keeps rolling.
We watched television at home and we were watching Mythbusters. Guess what, Kari Byron, the only girl in the cast, is pregnant. Hugely pregnant I might add and stuffing gunpowder into a cannon like it was a normal day.
So really, when I visited my son's grave, why wouldn't I end up crying my heart out?
This is the sick me talking. Neal and I weren't able to go out because I wouldn't meet his friends. Johan and Tin were meeting us and they were bringing their two kids. Their youngest is just 2 months older than Nathan. How can I meet them?
So we didn't go out and I pretty much spent the time moping.
Even shopping at Mobler doesn't help. We were there with this family, a grandmother, a husband, his son, the yaya and yes, you guessed it, the pregnant wife.
I don't even know if I'm just delusional. Maybe there really were that many pregnant people before and I never noticed them but that's not true. I notice it because of the number of friends, family and office mates that are pregnant.
Being depressed makes me vulnerable to viruses so here I am sick as a dog, at work early because I can't go on a sick leave. I have something important to do for the entire week. Actually, till Tuesday next week.
Sick as a dog. That's funny really because dogs never really show you when they're sick. They always make this huge effort to convince you that they're ok. Mainly because in the wild, they might be killed if they show weakness.
I really wish I can just disappear right now. I need the rest and frankly, my emotions need a rest too. Constant bombardment just kills me.
I'm kind of sarcastic right now, not depressed. Maybe being sick helps a little. There's no way in hell I'd want to get pregnant right now so I guess it really helps. Damn Patience. It is not a virtue.

numbing

I'm in a meeting trying not to cry.

I've been working so hard these days I don't even have time to get depressed. Which is good. My control has gotten better. My eyes may water but I can stop the tears from falling. It makes my head hurt sometimes but what the hell right?

I still get hit by news though. I was chatting with an old friend during the meeting to keep myself from getting bored and she dropped a bombshell on me. She asked me to be her child's godmother. I didn't even know she was pregnant and she's giving birth this December.

So here I am in the meeting. The room is full of people and I'm supposed to be listening to the lecturer. I had to go and find out that the world can apparently still kick you even when you think it cannot possibly find a spot where you haven't been hurt, it does. She's not even married. Well at least, last I heard she was having boyfriend problems and here she is 8 months pregnant.

8 months more than I am.

Who am I kidding? Everyone is more pregnant than I am these days.

Everyone else I know either has kids, a brand new baby or pregnant.

Seriously. The world has not had enough of me.

I wish fate would just turn its attention somewhere else. I'd gladly return the house, the car even the frigging PS3 just to have my baby back.

My eyes sting and my nose is probably turning red but I still don't cry.

I remember a time when I the doctor installed my braces for the first time. She said that I'd have so many mouth sores my skin would thicken and I would be immune to it after a few months.

So this is life's way of hurting me until my heart's so hard it will settle on my stomach and be immune from any amount of pain.

I wonder what else could possibly go wrong that my heart needs to prepare for it.

I mean, how much worse can it get?

Am I destined to be the only person left in a desolated world? Or is life just screwing with me because I will never get the one thing I really want right now? SO my heart has to suffer now so that when I find that out eventually it wouldn't matter anymore.

I really want to run away, somehow reproduce by myself and come back when I've given birth.

Neal always says its ok but it's not. He always says it will come but I don't want to wait. For him, I can't just have the baby anyway. I still have to wait 9 months before he/she comes out so why hurry? He doesn't see the difference between counting down the nine months to counting NOTHING!

I'm just so frustrated.

I want to leave.

I really just literally want to go and leave and I won't tell anyone where I'll be going.

I just want to leave everyone. Maybe when I am alone, truly alone. I won't be as frustrated as I am right now. I don't want to wait anymore. This is all hell to me.
Maybe I should just get them to cut off my entire reproductive system. This way I don't have any hope left which is a lot more better than hoping and waiting for nothing.

I feel that even my other friends who are trying have a bigger chance of having a baby than I am. AT least they're trying. Sometimes, I really want to just get something hard and start smashing Neal's head with it just so he'd pay attention. Actually, it hurts because he never does. All he thinks about right now is work. I can die and he probably won't even be able to stay full time at my wake because he has to attend meetings.

If I left, he probably won't even notice.

I wonder how much money do I need to survive?

Do I need help?

Neal's been pretty busy at work and so am I. The house is also getting finished and we are in between contracts so it's been busy.
The problem is, I've been having more down time than ever. Neal's kind of worried. I can't even get through church without crying. I'm always having small bouts of depression that seem to be triggered by, well, nothing.
My emotions are unpredictable. I'd be happy then completely sad the next.
I wonder if I really do need help.
Sometimes it could be anything, any mention of babies, baby pics, people announcing stuff to Facebook... I should just really boycott the world.
The heroine in my mind ran away from everyone and everything.
I wish I could do that. Take an open vacation. Just go away where no one knows me. No one knows what happened and where everybody is single.
I feel bombarded by all the families walking around with their kids in tow.
Do I really need help?
We don't live in a country where people always go to psychologists for help.
So what if I feel lost? So what if there are days when I just don't know what I want. So what if there are days when I just feel bad all the time?
Do I need medication for that?
Everyone feels that way every now and then.
I'm just having a really hard time adjusting. I've never lost anything or anyone that meant this much to me.
I always thought that my life would be normal. That if Neal died first, I'd follow after a couple of months. That life would follow the normal track.
I don't know if this story is true. They say that when Shakespeare's son died, in a way he felt happy (happy may not be the term he used) because he could finally write about what it felt to lose a child.
Except now, it's all I can write about. Death and loss of a child.
I've lost my train of thought.
Do I really need help? Yes I probably do. I won't be able to get that from anyone though. I can't even tell people the truth. I can only write about it in secret.

nothing

Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it?

Should we try again, knowing that something else might go wrong?

Is it worth it? Going through 9 months of wondering and hoping.

I have a bad feeling that another tragedy will be the end of me.

Maybe it would just be better if we just never tried again.

What if that's the life that I was meant for?

People always say that you never know what you want until you lose it.

Life never gives you a break when you need it.

You get what you get, not what you deserve.

Shit happens.

Some cliches can really hurt.

Finding happiness

So yesterday, I was trying to find happiness.
I didn't find it in a box of Happy Cream Puffs.
I did not find it with my friends.
I didn't even find it with Neal.

A friend of mine finally got his visa to Japan. I wasn't even jealous. Japan is the one country I would have loved to go to but no. I didn't care about it. Well, I do want to go eventually and I want to go this year but the house has to come first and I understand that. The practical side always wins over that argument. I'm sure that when I get enough money, I can go there as often as I want, well, as much as Neal will allow me to drag him there. I actually want to buy a good lens before I go there.

My point is, even if I do go now, I won't be happy. Oh sure, I'll be ecstatic and jump around but after that trip, I'll be depressed again.

That's what happiness is to me right now. A quick fix that's pretty much like a drug. I try so hard to find it but it always leaves me.

Like a band aid for a wound that never heals.

Who am I kidding?

I've already established that other things can't make me happy. Not a new lens, not a new car, not a new house, not a trip to any country and not even with a box of Happy Cream Puffs.

I can't buy my happiness.

Today, I read my cousin's report on her Facebook page. She's already given birth and she's so happy to see her baby.

I cried.

Maybe that's the happiness I'm looking for.

Something I felt for one day. Before fate took it away.

I want it back.

Why?

Why do I hang on the idea that I am pregnant even when I'm bleeding. I never had first trimester bleeding with Nathan. Why do I torture myself anyway? I feel like if I resign to the fact that I'm not pregnant, I'm just one stupid fat person who stopped going to the gym.

hope creeps

Hope keeps creeping up to me today. It made me read about bleeding during pregnancy which is apparently possible especially during the first month.

I hate it because it will just make the result hurt more. Why can't I just let this go now?

drowning your sorrow

So it turns out I may not be pregnant after all. I am definitely spotting and it is way too late for implantation blood or whatever. I can't believe how much this is affecting me. Considering I have been getting my period for 7 months now. I guess I'm just really saddened by this because I really wanted it. But miracles can't happen if only one of you wants it.

I have a heavy heart. I feel it on top of my stomach now, instead of my chest. I wish it was easy to drown my sorrow. I wish I could just go out and shop and be happy. The problem is, it only distracts me. It doesn't make me happy. Similar to when I started going out and Neal wanted me to buy all these things to keep me occupied. It kept me occupied but deep down inside I still longed to buy baby toys, clothes and all those stupid things you really don't need but manage to worm their way into your hearts through cuteness.

I want that. Years of buying other children toys for Christmas and this Christmas I can't even buy my son a toy. After all those months of waiting and planning... checking out all the toys that I want, books I was going to read to him. Now I have to wait for 9 more months plus whatever number of months Neal wants to wait.

I hate waiting.

I hate Halloween where people will be parading their children in the office again.

I hate October because all the stores have baby sales.

I hate Christmas because everyone will be bringing their children to malls buying them gifts.

I hate going anywhere to celebrate Christmas because their families are complete and they all have healthy babies and kids.

I hate Neal for making me wait. I think it's unfair but I can't do anything about it.

I hate crying. I cry whenever I'm alone these days and I am alone most of the time.

Most of all, I hate the fact that even after 7 months I apparently still can't let go.

a little red

I've been crying since last night. Now even at work, it doesn't really help. It's a good thing I'm inside a small room so no one can see that sometimes, tears just fall out of my eyes for no reason.

I was felling really bad yesterday. Another all time low. I felt like I was going to have UTI or something. My legs felt weird and there was a creeping pain from my navel down to my feet.

Last night, I laid down on my back, placed my hand on my stomach and felt for a sign. I realized how much I wanted to be pregnant.

Today I am feeling better but I'm seeing a little red. Well, brown to be precise whenever I urinate. So now the possibility of my period arriving looms above me like dark clouds. I realize I hate the idea of not being pregnant more than the idea that I may be pregnant but sick.

It's really selfish.

I'm really selfish. I can't even see my friend who is around 6 months pregnant now because I just can't face her. She's reading this and I hope she understands that I don't really want to miss her first pregnancy just because I can't handle my pain.

Yesterday I was 100% sure I was pregnant. My body was changing, I was experiencing some form of morning sickness, I feel tired and sometimes I feel like I want to throw up.

Today, I realize just how strong my mind can be over my body to be able to fool it just because I really wanted to be pregnant.

I'm not completely devoid of hope. I know I can fight back because that's what I'm good at. Fighting for what I want. Not quietly accepting whatever fate brings me.

It's just so hard because this is not something I can do by myself. I need Neal for one thing and I also need another 9 months of waiting for everything to finally change.

But right now, here in this small space while I'm writing to you, my faceless, unresponsive blog, tears are still falling from my eyes and I wonder how I can explain to everyone why my eyes are a little red.

the truth

Last Saturday was the first Saturday. Ominous typhoon warnings kept me and Neal from going to Alabang. The sky was pretty clear though and after a brief discussion, Neal and I decided that we will go to church and visit Nathan.

I heard him and my mom in the kitchen.
Neal: Pia and I are going to church with you. She's just going to cry again though.
Mom: We really can't help it. She'll keep crying till she has a child.

That is true isn't it? I will be crying until I give birth to a normal healthy baby that I can actually keep this time for more than a day.

Losing a child before you die is not something that's easy to get over.

bad omens

I've been scared to go back to bed recently. I haven't been sleeping properly and sometimes I go to the bathroom convincing myself that I just need to pee. The last two nights though have been rough. I feel like someone has been watching in the living room and I can't cross 10 feet (bathroom door to bed) in the darkness without someone awake. That someone is always neal.

I also had a nightmare last night
I dreamt that insects were crawling out of me. At first I though they were just inside my clothes but when I took them off, I realized they were coming from inside me. I had two running stitches on both sides of my body where my skin was just healing. I had one big worm stuck to my ass and I pulled it off against Neal's wishes since he was worried but I just wanted them to go away and I killed it with my hands. I woke up with my butt feeling strangely violated.

A short trip to Google and I found out that the insect type was important. I knew that the insects crawling out of me were cockroaches but the one in me was like a worm from Dune. Cockroaches symbolizes need for renewal and a need to rethink major aspects of my life. The worm is a little more complicated. It was inside me partly and I knew it was feeding off me so it probably represents something negative, a low opinion of myself or negative thoughts (most likely the latter). Freeing myself from the worm even if it was painful means I may be striving to free myself of negative thoughts. Killing the worm after getting it off me is a good omen I guess. After the worm killing thing, the cockroaches stopped coming from inside me and my stitches were partly healed. It's been a while since I've had symbolic dreams.

The ghost hanging around our house bothers me. It's usually a sign of a friend dying. Someone whose death will affect me. I hope everyone is okay.

Funeral Blues by W H Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

countdown

By my calculations, I should be able to know if I am pregnant or not by Oct 12. I would have been late for one day and I can test myself. I've been having midday sicknesses. I'm really a morning person but I find myself tired after lunch. Lately I've been feeling sick too and I don't feel like throwing up on regular days. The only thing I hate are the little pains and aches that don't seem normal to pregnancy. I could just be sick, I could be pregnant and sick, I could be sick and pregnant normally or if I'm really lucky, I could be pregnant with twins which is why I feel more sick and tired everyday. I wish it is true.

Beginner's Luck

Another pregnancy is scary especially for me since I still believe I failed big time in my first attempt. I don't have a baseline. Plus the fact that I always have beginner's luck or I always fail miserably. I don't want to fail miserably again. I want to be able to have kids. Without a previous experience of success I can only hope that the next one is better. I'm really scared of hoping.

Impending

I think I may be pregnant and it scares the hell out of me.
One, because I may not be pregnant and I'm setting myself up for a major disappointment or two, I'm worried because I have not been feeling well lately.
I blame this on 3 day weekends and unprotected sex.
The last time we had a 3 day weekend, Neal and I spent it alone in a not so wholesome way. Unfortunately, the withdrawal method can only be as safe as you want it to be.
I started thinking I was pregnant because of the way I felt when we went to work the next day. It was similar to when I started to believe I was pregnant with Nathan. The same weird feelings where you just feel sick and tired and you don't understand where all the feelings are coming from.
The problem is I've been getting sickly. I had a temperature of 37 degrees Celsius once and I panicked. I can't tell my parents yet or my sister. Neal's the only one I've spoken to about this and even he hates to hear me talk. So here I am posting on my blog. Sometimes I don't know if he believes me or not. He won't listen when I'm feeling sick but when I want to eat something bad, he keeps me from eating it.
My symptoms come and go. I've stopped going to the gym because I really feel tired and exerting myself hurts. I felt queasy today in the shuttle. Admittedly, the driver's style of driving can probably make anybody sick but I've been riding the van driven by the same driver for a while now and I never felt sick.
I feel weird. Period. I wish there was a way to find out sooner. I never felt like this during the previous months so I hope I'm not making it up.
I have to wait for almost 2 more weeks before we can find out if this is real or not.
I honestly don't know what I prefer. Now that the possibility is here, it scares me.

The marshmallow test

Sometimes I think this is just a marshmallow test. More accurately, I wish it was a marshmallow test. Except here, they show you a marshmallow and they keep let you hold it, taste a small bit then take it away, promising two if you just wait. I hope life can be fair but I know it isn't. You get what you get whether you deserve it or not. All you have control over is how you will react to the world.

Someday, all my writings here will seem exaggerated. I will read them and think: "Was it really that bad?"

I know it will. Everything in life can be that simple as long as you can view it that way. You can be happy as long as you want to be.

Emptiness

Sometimes, when I just lie down in bed and it's quiet, I feel my tummy move. Not big movements, they're like small kicks. I know it's insane to think it's anything other than a muscle spasm. My stomach can't hold anything right now but food and water. I still feel it though.
I think the thing that hurts most is the empty feeling. It's not just loneliness. It's emptiness.
I feel it because I had someone inside me then I gave birth. The natural order of things would be to have that child to take care of. I don't. My body is looking for it. That feeling of taking care of someone. I miss my child.
I feel that if I get pregnant again then maybe that emptiness may be filled.

Maybe it will, maybe not.

The only thing I can do is try.

bad night

Last night I went on an all time low. I was suddenly worried that my blood sugar levels were too high. I exercise at least 3x a week except for the last two weeks because I was out of town or sick. I've checked my blood sugar twice and they were at 106 and 112. Both are now apparently above the normal level which is 105. My mom also has diabetes and so did my grandmother on my father's side plus a few more relatives. I've always had low blood sugar even when I loved eating sweets. So why the high blood sugar? I was so scared that I could be diabetic. Diabetics have complications during pregnancy. They can lose their child or the child will be born with defects. I had a baby when I was suppose to be normal but I lost him. What chance do I have when I'm diabetic?
So I took that as the last straw. I lost hope and I gave up. I didn't want kids anymore. Life is just making me bitter. Letting me taste something just to pull it away. Am I so bad that I have to be Tantalus on earth?
What should I do? Is this like love? If you keep looking for it nothing happens but if you don't, there it is?
Or is it the same as losing hope when you stop looking?
Seriously, I don't want to dream anymore. Dreaming gives you hope and when you have that, it's easier to fall.
Hope gives you wings and you never know if they are real or not until you fly over the ocean.

Funeral mess

Last night we went to a wake and confirmed that I can't go to a wake or funeral these days. It wasn't the fact that the funeral home we visited was the same one we had the wake for Nathan in. It wasn't the nostalgic feeling of going up the same place I stayed in for 5 days. It was the fact that the widow mentioned Nathan again. Telling me things like "Too bad" or "How sad" or "What a loss" or "You'll have more kids in the future" or "God is good" doesn't really help. The only trigger she failed to mention was "Well at least now you have an angel watching over you". I hate that. Maybe because they don't understand what I'm feeling yet they try to comfort me. Maybe it's just the fact that I don't believe all that or maybe because I'd rather have my child instead of an angel. I'm at my most selfish and materialistic stage. I hate the afterlife. I hate it and I don't care about it but I don't dare stop believing in it. This is why people desperately believe in life after death. You don't want to think that that's it. That you'll never see my child/lover/parent again.
This year is riddled with tragedy. I may just be watching too much news but a LOT of people died this year. People who had a big effect on other people.
I watched about the landslides and the floods and the loss of lives on the ferry just a couple of days ago. I should stop watching the news.
There was a mother of a 2 year old child who lost her son because he drowned when the boat capsized. She said that she just hopes that when she gets pregnant again, she will still have the same child she lost because she really loved that child. I wonder if we feel the same? Does the loss of a child give you this urge to have another one? I can't even handle the 2 month wait. I wonder how she handles it? Facing a tragedy head on especially after you've had your child for 2 years. What I'm feeling must be insignificant since I only had my baby for 2 days.

Waiting!!!

I still have to wait for 2 more months for the house to be finished. I really can't wait. Can't I cheat?

the missing link

I really hate going to church these days. I went to church last Saturday (first Saturday mass at Christ the King) and I just cried. Mainly because the priest who officiated kept saying things that really hit home. Things like hope and how I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself. It's true. I have been feeling sorry for myself. Lately, I've been feeling lonely too because I couldn't find anyone who went through the same thing. I have to accept the fact that I will never find one. I don't even want to find one.
I've been dreading going to people's houses that have babies or pregnant women. I feel bad because I have been avoiding my friends, Neal's friends and his family. I'd rather stick to single non pregnant friends. I even start to hate meeting people with kids. Especially when they have more than one. I don't think it's understandable. It's not logical and I know that. These people don't have any connection with what happened to me and besides, I can't hide from more than half of the human population. It really is crazy.
I've actually been in some situations where a newborn baby was paraded in front of me. Twice. I was ok. The first time, I didn't really look at the baby, I just made polite comments and I was fine. The next time I was near a newborn baby, I even got to hold it's hand and say hello and goodbye. I don't have any right to hate them or their parents.
What amazes me is that I don't get affected when I do get to see the babies. It's when I'm alone, like here in this cold office when nobody's still around, that's when sadness hits me.
Jealousy is a mean cold bitch.
My body is rebelling against me. I've been fine the last couple of months, completely healthy. These days when I'm trying to convince Neal we can start having a baby, I get sick. Not even just slightly sick... No... I get all kinds of sicknesses. It seems like the world is out to get me again even if it isn't. I don't know what I can do. I have a cough, my back hurts, my eyes are always filmy and I even have random bouts of fever. It's irritating!
What can I do? I don't want to feel like I have to put up a brave face but nobody wants to talk to me about how I feel. Even if they do, I end up lying most of the time.
I think there's a missing link between my logical side and emotional side. Somehow, my logical side should convince my emotional side that 2 more months is NOT so bad. Especially since I have already waited 6 months anyway.
The next two months are going to be busy. I just need to wait and prepare and hope for the best.

Uncertainty

It's been a while. I still find myself slipping sometimes. I know I'm not supposed to but I can't help it. It's easier when I'm busy at work. I really tend to forget but when things die down, I start to remember. What's worse, I've started to look for it again. Here I am planning our anniversary trip and suddenly I'm wishing I could get pregnant. I'm counting months and wishing again. I can't help it. I'm still jealous of everyone else. Funny thing is, I literally am jealous of everyone else because everyone else either has a new baby or is expecting one soon.
I actually thought I was over that but I'm not. I'm getting better or I'm just getting better at hiding it. I don't know. I think I really will name my next boy James. He will need to be an usurper. I need someone to calm this swirling emotion inside of me. Not just a temporary fix that I get from work or from going out. I need someone or something more permanent.
I'm just afraid I really won't be contented until I have someone growing inside me again. I'm also afraid that right now I have more expectations. I won't be contented until I have a healthy normal boy again and that's just too hard and too harsh for my next child. How can I put so much pressure into someone whose yet to be conceived?
Maybe all this wishing will just keep me from getting what I want. I know that but I still can't stop it. The months are practically trickling by me. Nothing concrete is happening and I just can't wait anymore.
Frankly, I don't know if I can handle another friend giving birth without being pregnant. It's just so sad.
I know this may be kind of pathetic. Sometimes I think people expect me to recover quickly since I didn't really have my baby for so long. Some of them even give a sigh of relief when they find out I haven't even been able to breastfeed my baby. I think people just forget to count. They equate my baby's death to a miscarriage. A miscarriage is not the same. They didn't give birth. They didn't hold their baby. I still had him for 9 months. Just because he was born doesn't mean the time I was with him resets.
Besides, the fact that we don't really know why this happened still stings me. The fact that I failed and the possibility that I may fail again scares the hell out of me. I wish there was a cure for that too.
In fact I do wish there was a cure for depression. I'm still a functional human being but I know that deep down I still can't be completely happy.
I fool myself sometimes but I know that I'm just fooling myself. Putting layers and layers of bandages on top of my wound just to make it better.
Hopefully I become more successful at this. It's only been 4 months. I don't think you can be called patient if you only wait for four months. Actually I don't think I've been waiting at all. I've been nagging and whining the entire time. I really am not patient.
I'm also ranting. How do I end all of this feelings? The same way I'll end this blog: with uncertainty.

Moving on...

I have mostly good days now. Last Saturday when I visited my son's grave I was actually able to talk to him. I still cried but at least I got a few coherent sentences out instead of just shedding tears. I got to say Goodbye even though my voice broke. To day I'm deleting messages from my cellphone. I should have done this at home. I'm getting teary eyed because I can still read parts of the messages and they started way before everything happened. I'm shaky and well, sad. I need to get this over though. I have to move on and this will help me. If I did this at home, I might not make it.

Taking time

I had a bad day yesterday. I was functional but sad. I cried in the morning too. Bad start to a lonely day. Sometimes I hate working at home. Even Facebook and other games can't help me. Well Stork Studio ads also didn't help.
It got a lot worse at night. For the last couple of days I've been hearing news about conjoined twins being born. There were twin girls born in the Philippines yesterday. I totally understood the look the parents had on their faces. They were probably told their girls wouldn't live past one month. The twins born just a couple of days before in Indonesia have already died. I wonder if they're the twins who keep calling to me.
I could honestly say I completely fooled myself there. When I was in that situation, I ignored all my instincts just to believe everything will be ok. The night he died, I should have been there earlier. I couldn't sleep because he wouldn't let me and I kept crying. I really did know. Even the dream I had when I was 3 months pregnant was already warning me that I wouldn't be able to do anything. Ignorance truly is bliss.
I'm so scared that something bad will happen again.
I cried myself to sleep that night. Neal kept telling me things alternating between scolding me and assuring me everything will be fine.
I haven't lost hope. I just lose sight of it once in a while.
He also said a couple of things last night. I think he may have meant to comfort me but it didn't. He said we shouldn't have forced having a baby. We followed the doctor's orders and look what happened. He wanted to wait till the house was built and instead I had to hurry.
The thing is, a lot of people get pregnant when they're not ready. Compared to them, I'm of legal age, I don't drink and smoke, I have a husband, I live in a home and we both have stable jobs. God doesn't kill their babies because they're not prepared to have them. For some unfathomable reason, God took mine.
Then he mentioned that I always say I miss my baby but what's there to miss? We didn't take care of him. I think he just doesn't understand. When you're pregnant, the effect on your husband is minimal. Their bodies don't change, they don't get hormones, they don't share their bodies with someone else. I did. Even if I never actually took care of him, I took care of him inside me. I did a shitty job but I did my best. It breaks my heart knowing that I failed my baby.
I believe they become fathers when they hold the baby in their arms. He had such a short time with Nathan and maybe that makes it easier for him to go back to normal.
I can never go back to normal. Everyday, I have a body that carried him. I'm changed and I can never go back.
I want to be patient. I really do. I understand what Neal said and I don't want to force it. All I have is the hope that I can keep the next baby. I'm sorry if I keep asking for one. Everyday in fact for me is just one less day till I can get pregnant again. It's idiotic really. Then again, you're talking to a person who would rather walk unknown distances (in the south expressway no less) just so she wouldn't have to wait for a jeep. I'd rather go up 18 flights of stairs with my laptop than to wait for a slow elevator. That's who I am and it will take me a while to discover this phenomena called Patience.
I just need help and understanding.
Since I can't really look for a person who suffered my ordeal, I just have to live with what life is giving me right now. Life gives us sad times so we can appreciate the happy ones. I just wish the happy times will come soon.

If I have a child again

If I get pregnant again, I will buy these wall decors from whatisblik.com. Even if it is 38 dollars and will probably cost a lot just to ship here. I won't skimp on my kids anymore. Practical or not, I just don't care anymore.

walking the line

I feel like a tight rope walker. If I let myself sway in one direction, I'll fall. Into what? I'm not even sure of that.
I wish I was really strong. Not this fake strength I've got pulled on that's so easily blown off by the slightest wind.
I googled for "How to get hope back". I got like tons of "how to get my lover back" pages.
I still have hope. It's currently being raised in Alabang. I just don't have patience. I know Neal tells me every time that everything will be ok but I guess I just want to experience it first before I can breathe easier.
I guess I'm scared that something else will happen. I'm scared because I know there's no way I can be sure.
I've been wanting twins and I keep hearing news about conjoined twins. I'm scared that it will happen to me.
Now in the news, I saw two siblings with cleft lips. I feel so weak against this.
I hate fate. How can I be so lucky but not be able to give that luck to my child? I'd rather lose everything than to lose another baby.
With this world, how can I get my hope back?

Lost

I was looking for a couple of friends in Facebook. Every time I see people my age with two kids I feel kinda sad. Was I wrong to wait? I'm so scared that I may not get another chance. Some people already have what I am now just beginning to want.

When my mother was my age, she couldn't give birth anymore because of complications in her endometriosis. I just don't want the same thing to happen to me. I don't want a big family but I do want 2-3 kids and my current number is 0.

Lately there have been times I've been feeling lost. Not that it's bad. I'm actually ok most of the time when I'm not thinking about it.

Neal's sister is giving birth this Saturday and he wants me to come and see them. I actually don't want to go. I'm happy for them and all but can't I just hide here until I get myself pregnant again?

He wants me to get used to it because eventually I do have to get used to it but I just want to stay safe and ignorantly happy somewhere. It's not like I can keep myself from knowing but at least don't shove it to my face. I just need more time. He won't do the simplest things for me but he wants me to do this for him and that's kind of unfair.

There are still nights when I feel lost and when everyone's asleep and I can't fall asleep, I wish that I can exchange this reality with something else.

Hope rises

Just a little disclaimer

This is for the sake of the 2 or 3 people who actually read this blog. Yes, you know who you are ^_^.

I am depressed. It's been what? 3 months since my son died. I'm supposed to be depressed. My depression however is not this constant hanging thing on my head. I'm still a functioning human being.

There are still days when I am happy and active. The only problem is that sometimes, I cry before I sleep or I feel sad when I remember. It takes more to make me happy but if you compare it to other people's standards, it is still surprisingly simple to make me happy.

Sometimes I hate my situation but I never hate people for being happy. I may gripe all the time about everyone else having an easy life and having tons of kids while I have none but I don't wish them harm.

I know how it feels to lose a child and if I could, I'd study to become a surgeon for infants (the exact name escapes me) and be damn good at it just to make sure this never happens to anyone ever again.

I don't hate people for being happy because life is just like that. Sometimes it sucks and sometimes its great. Be happy. Just don't expect me to always be happy for you all the time. I won't be raving about it but I will support you.

I still have hope, though it escapes me sometimes. I still have it and I only need to wait a few more months. I'm looking at this as a hard lesson for patience. Something I never really had before.

Someday, I'll have my twins and even up the number.

Good News

Tragedy or depression does not mix well with good news.

We were watching P.S. I Love You, a movie with Gerard Butler and Hillary Swank. Hillary Swank plays a 30 year old woman who just lost her husband of 11 years(Gerard Butler). There's a scene there where Hillary Swank is on a boat together with her two friends and she learns that one of them is pregnant and the other is about to get married. I definitely understand the look on her face. Her character isn't bad. She feels happy for her friends but sometimes when you are in that state, good news feel like you're applying lemons to your wound while trying to look happy.
When I turn to Neal he said, "Well at least Arf hasn't told you she's getting married."

Add to that the fact that we just found out Hershey (another one of Neal's friend's wife) is also 5 months pregnant. That's their second child.

Maybe it would have been easier to deal had not everyone I known was having a baby this year. Maybe, maybe not. This is the bitter (and brutal I might add) life fate has dealt me this year. I just have to deal and live with it.

There's always hope that it'll get better. I hope. I'm seriously doubting I had any easy years in my life. Maybe I'm just too optimistic to notice.

This year kind of gives new meaning to the term "kicking you while you're down."

I really wish it was near the end not just the middle of the year. It's really depressing how time slows down when you don't want it to.

July

I woke up and realized it's just July. Time is moving so slowly... I wish I didn't have to live one day at a time. I wish I could skip weeks or months. I wish that I could go back in time...
I want to be in a time where all I worried about was love, boys and work. Or send me to a time when I have all the responsibilities of having a baby that I can actually keep.
Anything. Just not here. Not this time.

Loneliness

I do feel depressed. I think though that being lonely is worse. I don't believe that Neal has gotten over Nathan's death. He just doesn't show it and it makes me sad because I always feel so alone when I'm sad. Maybe if we were sad together it will be ok. We are still going to wait though. I just want to move out of here before I get pregnant again. When I do, I promise I'll be prepared to do anything. Even take a sabbatical just to make sure my baby's ok. I owe Nathan that much.

This is perfect for me

The Warrior is a Child
-- Gary Valenciano

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing, strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me, I'm hiding all the tears


They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
Deep inside this armour - the warrior is a child.


Unafraid because His armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest.
People say that I'm amazing - never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies that lay me at His feet.


They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armour...


Deep inside this armour...
Deep inside this armour...
The warrior is a child.

I love and hate this song because it always makes me cry

Hiram sa Diyos

Hiram sa Diyos ang aking buhay
Ikaw at akoy tanging handog lamang
Di ko ninais na akoy isilang
Ngunit salamat dahil may buhay
***
Ligaya ko nang akoy isilang
Pagkat tao ay mayroong dangal

Chorus:
Sinong may pag ibig, sinong nagmamahal
Kundi ang taong DIYOS ang
pinagmulan
Kung di ako umibig, kung di ko man
bigyang halaga
Ang buhay koy handog
Ang buhay kong hiram sa DIYOS
Kung di ako magmamahal sino ako.

name

children should never die before their parents. if it was normal and acceptable, we'd have a name for parents who have lost their children.

ups and downs

As you can see, my blog posts are pretty much a roller coaster. My emotions are like that. I can be completely happy then completely sad in the next 5 minutes. I hate being alone because that's when I'm usually sad. I can have all the hope in the world and lose it somewhere again before the day ends. I apologize for that but then again, I've always been like that.

If I have a boy again

If I ever have a boy again, I'll name him Peter Samuel.
Peter because I asked St Peter to help me get a boy and Samuel because:

So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the LORD for him."

Samuel 1:20

Envy

I usually don't listen to our priest's sermons. Yesterday was different though. I think I really got hit.
He talked about envy. He described Envy as an irrational anger. I guess at first I never even thought that I was envious. Jealous maybe, selfish but never envious. I wasn't angry at the world. I'm certainly not angry at anyone. If there's anyone I'm angry with it's myself. How do you handle something you don't have any control over?
Then he mentioned a passage in Desiderata. Particularly this:

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

I have to be honest with myself. I have been comparing myself to others. I don't know why I couldn't keep my baby. I didn't know what I had done wrong. What made everyone else better than me? Was I going to be a bad mother? Was I going to kill him eventually and because of that I couldn't keep him?
I think about all the mothers out there. Some of them starve their kids, some of them don't care. There must have been at least one deserted fetus in the news every month while I was pregnant. I didn't drink, I don't smoke. My only vice is caffeine and even that I gave up for my baby. I still couldn't keep him. I have an aunt who used to drink and smoke while she was pregnant and her twin daughters are fine. I have a cousin who was living in the streets while pregnant, she was probably even doing drugs back then but her daughter still lives. I even envy the girl who went to the hospital once because she was bleeding. She was so young, she'd been drinking and smoking till she found out she was pregnant for 3 months now and she didn't even know if she wanted to keep the baby but her baby will probably still be fine. I am envious of all of them. I don't understand why and I am mad.
I have a job, a home, a husband who loves me, a family that supports me and I'm so afraid that I won't be able to have a normal baby anymore. I'm so afraid of trying even if I really want to have a baby because of what happened to baby Nathan. I'm scared that I'm cursed or something. I've always tried to be nice to people. I keep myself healthy.
I'm envious because I don't think I deserve losing my baby. What does everyone else have that I don't? Why did this happen to me?
I had to face it. I am envious and it is eating me right now. I may not be mad at anyone in particular but I sure am envious.
I may need the time to get over it.
I already promised myself I wouldn't get pregnant until we do get to live on our own. I just need patience and the guts to overcome this irrational anger I have.
Ironically, I can't remember being envious of anyone before this. Now, every time I see a baby, even in the streets, I'm envious of them.
I want to boycott family reunions this Christmas because I can't see other people with their kids. They don't know how lucky they are and all I realize when I see them is how SAD I am.
Even when Neal just talked to his kid brother on the phone, it hurt. I feel like I failed our family because I lost our baby. I can't even end this blog entry right.

Hope lives

Neal gave me one condition before we try for kids again: we should be living in our new house. Yesterday we went to our house and we were happy to find a lot of improvement considering it was started less than a month ago. I don't have any pictures before this but it was just a vacant lot before. This is about 1/4 the work done. At least half the floor is already set up.
We're planning to visit there again next month so we can see more of the progress. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the work will proceed quickly so we can move in before the year ends. I do wish we do.
It's getting harder and harder to be patient.

how heartbreaks work

This must be another stage I'm not aware of.
Do you know how normal heartbreaks are?
It starts out with denial. You're thinking it can't possibly happen to you even after it did.
Then you wish that he would come back to you and everything will be normal again. You waste tears remembering what happened, what could have happened and all the other what ifs but nothing ever changes.
You try to live your life the way it was before you even got together or even before your heart got broken. Everyone's treading lightly by you because they don't want to trigger a crying fit or they keep asking how you are and you're response is always a polite "I'm OK".
Always.
The worse part is, now you're scared of ever letting this happen to you again. You realize you don't always get what you want and your heart is so fragile it can get broken all over again.
Deep down inside though, you're still waiting and hoping for someone to love.
I almost forgot one question. When can you start trying again?
That's where I am right now.

Apo Iro

Apo Iro or Apung Iro is what people in Apalit, Pampanga call St Peter. He is their patron saint and last Sunday, June 28, they celebrated their fiesta. The fiesta's main event is a parade on the river. Dozens of small boats float beside the one carrying St Peter. We went there last Sunday to celebrate mass and to visit the cathedral.
It's special for my family because there are a lot of memories there. My parents eloped and got married in Pampanga. They also asked for me, their first child, when the Fiesta was celebrated way back in 1980. If you count the months... I was literally created after they got home.
I've been there several times before. I remember being able to eat in someone's house, surrounded by relatives I didn't know at all. I remember going there in a bus where I threw up most of the way to Pampanga and we had to go home after we visited the church because I wasn't feeling well.
So when my parents invited me to go their during fiesta, I agreed. I wanted to ask for my baby/babies there as well.
The trip was uneventful at first. I brought Rei (my Fiat Uno car) since Neal's car was in the shop getting fixed. It was a good thing too. The road towards the church itself was a huge trial for us. Shops lined both sides and lots of people were walking on the street. The traffic was worse than EDSA traffic since we had to watch out for pedestrians, cars, tricycles in a one way street. We had to stop using the air conditioning too because we got there around 11am and the sun was too hot. The air was sticky and Neal's shirt was already wet.
I didn't bring my camera because I knew the church was not very pretty. Not to me anyway. It had painted murals and the dome was surrounded by paintings of the 4 gospel writers. Personally, I still like Sto. Domingo's dome better.
We were just in time for mass and we listened vainly to the priest who we can barely hear because of the bad sound system.
I couldn't really ask for a baby/babies. I asked for twin boys like my dad and my uncle. I always wanted one pair of twin boys. Every time I tried asking though, I would cry and I had to stop.
After the mass, we went to a relative's house again. A place I've been in before. It was one of my dad's cousins. We had a nice lunch and we waited till the parade went by. It was the first time I watched a parade on a river and it was nice. A lot of people were there to celebrate the fiesta.
I hope my wish comes true.

Dangers

My doctor started me on Diane 35 again. I was taking it for a couple of months before I got pregnant with Nathan and I started to read on the dangers again because she's making me take it again.
There's this small idea gnawing in my mind that there may be a connection between Diane 35 and Nathan's congenital defects.
My chest hurts. I don't want it to be true. I really believe I can't live with the knowledge that I could have done something to prevent what happened.
What if I had not taken Diane 35 and gotten pregnant earlier? What if I had gotten pregnant months after that instead of one month after I stopped?
Then I realize if I did, Nathan would not be Nathan. I may not even have the same baby. I may not even get a boy.
I promised myself I would NEVER regret anything that is related to Nathan and this is one of those things.

Nathan's possible characteristics

I saw this in Facebook. You just enter the date of your birth. It was pretty accurate for me. I'd like to think this is what he would have been. It's a very sweet description:

You were born on 18th day of April 2009, Saturday.

Your Life : At first glance, people think you are quiet type of person. Actually you are cheerful, but conditionally. You will show your joyful character only in good mood. One the other hand, when you are moody, no one would dare to be around. Because of your emotion fluctuation and frank character, some find you hard to be around.

Your Love : You hardly show your feeling towards opposite sex no matter how much you like him/her. Your partner also has similar character so your love affairs often take quite a while to flourish. Time tells it all. Your sincerity makes you very attractive.

too nice

I sometimes wish I wasn't inertly good.

I wouldn't feel guilty if I did anything bad.

I wouldn't mind getting what I want just because I wanted it.

I wouldn't care about other people's feelings.

I would not need to lie.

And when people ask me how I am... I can finally tell them the truth.

Note to self

Never ever arrange the chat folder in your Outlook to list according to who the letters came From.
I just read a friend's email to me by accident and I shed a few tears and I still can't stop.
Damn.

Wishes

My wishes for this year:

1. To be able to go to Japan
2. To have twin boys
3. To have fraternal twins (boy and girl)
4. To successfully build our dream house

a day well spent

Neal and I spent the day together since we were both working at home. It was fun because I was never alone. Instead of sleeping early though, we ended up singing songs late at night. Mostly, we sang Filipino songs from our high school to college years. It was fun and I really enjoy being alone with him now, being able to sing anytime, going out when we want to. I just wish we could have shared the experience with Nathan though. He would have liked listening to his father make a fool of himself singing.
It was unfair of me to actually say this year is bad. It isn't really all that bad. It's just that you notice the bad times more when you're happy.
I'm very happy right now despite of everything. I was very happy when I was pregnant too.
I was also very happy when Nathan was born. Even if two days after that was the worst.
Sometimes living one day at a time is the best way to go through life.

Father's Day

I've been feeling better the last couple of days. It has a lot to do with Neal and not being alone. Work has at least made most of my days noisy. I don't get lonely as often as before.
We also had good news last week. The engineer called to say that the foundation for the house has been started. That's one good thing. One step closer to living our own life and one step closer to being able to try having children again.
My hope levels are rising like crazy. I'm actually studying japanese again and looking forward to trips.
I still miss what I don't have. I guess "miss" is the wrong term. Since I never experienced most of it, how can you miss something you never had?
Father's Day was better than Mother's Day for me. We celebrated it and I didn't cry. In two weeks we will be visiting baby Nathan again. I can't wait. I wonder what I'll leave him this time.

vulnerability

I find that spending too much time commuting alone is also bad for my health. Or maybe just bad because I listen to songs and when I hear songs that remind me of Nathan I'm always in danger of breaking down. I've shed tears twice in a bus now. I don't feel sad all the time... It's just that there are times when it suddenly hits you like a speeding car and you're left flat on your back. I still have my small bouts of jealousy. I guess I just don't want to be alone.

praying for twins

I really want twins. I have so many relatives who are twins, both from my mother and father side and I wish I'd have one pair as well. I always thought that it would be the reason why I would have 4 kids was because I would have twins.
Now more than ever I want one. Maybe because I'll be catching up that way. I'd have two kids like everyone else who gave birth this year.
It's so selfish. These days I let myself be selfish. It's wrong but I get a strange kind of comfort.
How do you learn to hope without getting disappointed?

life just makes you think you have choices and when it sweeps the rug from your feet, you realize there's no floor

Let's face it. Life is unfair. We don't live in the movies where we stay to watch the end because we know deep down the good guys will win and the bad guys will suffer the consequences of their actions. The saddest people in the world are those who think they never get what they need. It would be nice to think that for every tragedy in your life, there's something better for you after it. The truth is there isn't. Life doesn't work that way. Sometimes the only reason why the future doesn't look so bleak is because you've reached rock bottom and nothing worse can happen to you.
Sometimes I wish I was like Job. The devil made bad things happen to him but God was there watching out, ready to step in when it got too bad. Of course what we think is bad may be a lot different from what God thinks.
When I was a child I made a deal with God. My parents were in an accident and they were in the hospital then. I asked him to never take my parents before me. That I would rather die before them than suffer because of their deaths.
I was so sure that even when my dad got lung cancer, I wasn't scared because I knew God will keep his promise.
I should have looked into the future and extended my condition to my children as well.
What happened to us was beyond our control, beyond everything we could do and that hurts more. Had I been given a choice, me or the baby, or something like spending more to have a better chance at success, everything would have been different.
If I could go back in time, I'd be a doctor instead of an engineer. I'd make sure that this never happens to anyone else.

running away

That's usually the thing I do best when I have problems. Right now, I'm running away from my sadness by going to work, exercising like there's no tomorrow and planning trips I can't afford. I know that this year should get better because I pretty much hit rock bottom. I'm just climbing my way out. It's just that everything I have to look forward to is at the end of this year or the beginning of next year. My house, the trip I can't afford and hopefully, a new baby. All the months between then and now are scaring me. It's only June! The days are crawling by and I have to wait 6 months, 6 months for everything to happen. I can't.
I'm planning a trip to Japan just so I have something to look forward to. I really don't think I can afford it. We spent so much on everything that happened. I don't know if we have enough time to recover from that and the car and the house.
I wish I could. I can try but I know that the reason I haven't budgeted the trip yet is because I don't want to face the fact that I can't go. If I can't go I won't have a concrete reason why I shouldn't be pregnant yet and I'll just be depressed... The cycle goes on.
I'm running away very unsuccessfully.

Knowing is half the battle

Sometimes I wonder if I'd like to know the real reason behind baby Nathan's congenital defects. A part of me wants to know so that I can make sure that it doesn't happen again on my next pregnancy. Somehow, the doctor's assurance that my next baby will be normal is not so assuring. Considering she can't give an exact reason as to why everything happened.
Another part of me is scared to know what happened. If I did know the real reason, if there is a real definite reason for everything, can I ever forgive myself? The reason will most probably be related to me. It could be something I drank, my sickness during my first trimester or even if it is just pollutants in the air or what I ate, I will still be blaming myself. I would still be stuck in the past regretting what I had done, what I could have done... all those What Ifs...
It'll probably drive me crazy...
So far I have been living without regret even after everything that has happened. I don't want to change that. I'm already hung up on my future.. I want to fast forward to next year so I can try again, I don't want to be hung up in my past as well. I won't have any more time for the present.

Back to work

I'm finally back to work. Grief has one simple solution: go back to normal. You can't spend time figuring out why things happen or what will happen next. The best thing is to get back to work and normal things as soon as possible. This is something I wish I can do. However since I didn't exactly spread the news about what happened to baby Nathan and a lot of people knew I was pregnant, I am now faced with the awkwardness of explaining. I lie a lot. If I can pass off that I was pregnant and no one asks about my baby, I'd rather they assume that my baby is healthy and alive. People usually assume the best anyway. Unfortunately I have to be able to tell people what happened if it gets to that.
Last APE I had, I told them I gave birth but I didn't tell the doctor any details. I got away with it.
Last Saturday I met my ninong Jun (godfather at my wedding) and he asked about baby Nathan. I was shocked to know that he didn't hear the news from Dawn so I explained it to him. I was close to tears but I couldn't break down since I was in a hospital corridor full of people I didn't know. I had my check up and the doctor was asking specific questions regarding my pregnancy and if I was still breastfeeding. We pretty much answered all of them without any hint that something was wrong until the doctor asked me how much my baby weighed now. Then we had to go through the awkward explanation again. I hate that. I really do. I don't like telling people about what happened, getting the generic responses of: "It'll be alright", "God has a plan", "You now have an angel in heaven" or "You're still young, you'll still have more kids..."
Neal says people will approach you and just suddenly pout or show a sad face and it never really helps.
Today, I talked to one of my officemates and I realized that since she wasn't in my team, she knows nothing. She just asked me what gender my baby was and she was happy to find out it was a boy. I couldn't tell her. I didn't want to cry.
How do you deal with that? Especially the higher ups? This is just so awkward. I don't know what to do anymore. I'll just have to face it one day at a time and hope that the people I don't tell the news to don't feel bad for not knowing.

faith

I've been wondering why I haven't lost faith in God. When people get affected by tragedy I believe they can go in one of two ways: your faith in God is strengthened or you lose it completely. I was never a very devout Catholic. If I can stop going to Church I will. Before I got pregnant I don't even remember when I last prayed at night so constantly. I believed in God as in the Catholic Church but I'm not ignorant of how man can easily manipulate religion. When I was in High School I actually wanted to switch to Buddhism, and I even became a kind of atheist for a time until I found out that I had too much faith in me to be a true atheist. Plus, I couldn't live with the uncertainty.
Faith is a person's lifeline. The one thing that gives you hope. Hope that everything will eventually be better, hope that all your dreams will come true and most especially, hope that when you die, it's not the end.
Now I know why I didn't lose my faith. Why I don't blame God for anything. I don't understand what happened but I didn't lose faith.
Every time I go to church or pray, I cry. Especially when there are songs and lines that tell you God can do anything and He can give you what you need. I can't handle it. I don't understand the effect it has on me. Whether it's good or not. If I feel sad because for me God has failed me or because it's giving me hope that God will give me what I need.
All I know right now is that I believe in God and Heaven and everything because if I don't then I have to believe that I will never see my son again. That he spent one day here with me and I will never see him again. I can't accept that. I believe in God because that gives me hope that one day... someday... I will be able to go to heaven and I can be with my son again. Right now, that's all I'm clinging on.
It's been almost two months and I still cry. I still can't let go.
I only wish I'm not going insane yet.

dreams and prophecies

There was a time in my life when I could predict death. I could predict someone's death within days. I just didn't know exactly who will die but there were different signs. If I cried in my sleep, someone in my father's side will die. If I heard a whistle blown beside my ear, someone in my mother's side will die. If I felt strangely frightened at night that I couldn't sleep with the lights off, a friend or someone I knew will die. For three or four years that was my life.
When I got pregnant though I stopped seeing things, stopped feeling invisible things and I thought it was the pregnancy. During my first trimester, around my third month, I had a horrible dream. I dreamt that my baby had been born incomplete, he was born too early and I was panicking but I couldn't do anything. All I wanted to do was to get him back inside me and I couldn't do anything. I never knew that I should have listened to that dream. Maybe I could have prepared myself more. Neal says the timing could be perfect since it was during my third month and Nathan's problems most probably occurred during that time. If I can trust my dreams, which I dare not to, I also dreamt of three kids. Two boys and one girl in three separate dreams. The boys were around 6 years old and the girl was around 3. I knew none of the boys were Nathan and I should have trusted that as well.
Do I dare hope? I guess I do. I wish I have twins, twin boys preferably. Sometimes I find myself counting months. Months before I can actually conceive again and I'm so scared. I'm hoping it stops when I start working. I can only hope.

somewhere i have never travelled

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

-- ee cummings

sadness and a lot of other emotions

Emotions have different movements. I realized it today when I woke up and I felt sadness and grief hovering less than 3 feet from my bed. I was all alone because everyone had gone to work and that scares me, being alone in a dark and silent house allows sadness to creep up to you without notice. This is why I spend my days in front of the computer waiting for people to talk to me. Why I sit in front of a blazing tv even when there's nothing good to watch. Sadness can only creep up to you when it's silent. I feel it hovering around me and I make myself busy. I'm really looking forward to going back to work because work keeps you from thinking about the past and worrying about the future. Plus the fact that you're surrounded by active humans all the time.
Sadness creeps, Joy comes and goes without warning, Anger traps you and Pain just grabs you. Jealousy, an emotion I've become very familiar with over the last couple of months usually stabs you in the heart and despair twist that knife around.
I'm being melodramatic now...
I went to the doctor yesterday. She wants me to continue my pills for four to six months. So that's half a year where I can't be pregnant. It depresses me but I refused to think about it yesterday.
Neal and I got a text from our interior designer who we are meeting this Saturday. In the middle of planning for a house we always think about how we are going to extend the Master's bedroom to the nursery. There are times I don't want to. Have you ever heard of "not counting your chicks before they hatch"? I am a firm believer in that. When I got pregnant, even when I didn't know anything was wrong, even when I thought everything was normal, I didn't buy anything baby related till I was 6 months pregnant. Even though I was sooo excited the moment I found out and I planned for everything I wanted to buy during the first trimester, I still didn't buy anything and everything still happened. I still don't have my baby. I'm scared that building the nursery will be too optimistic. I'm still scared about the future. I'm still scared that I might not conceive anymore or something else will happen. It's illogical to be scared over nothing. Even my doctor believes I can conceive easily that she's decided to put me on birth control pills so that I don't get pregnant before my body fully recovers.
I'm currently reading the Dune series and Frank Herbert describes Fear perfectly. "Fear is the mind killer"

40 days

Last Saturday we celebrated Nathan's 40 days after his death. I'm not sure if it is a Filipino tradition that just has its roots in Catholicism or if it is an actual ritual celebrated by Catholics. 40 days is a significant date because it is the time Jesus spent here on earth before going up to heaven after he resurrected. Nathan's 40 days coincided with Pentecost Sunday which is the day the Holy Spirit came down to the apostles to give them strength and knowledge. It is also the day the Catholic Church was born. We celebrated the mass on Saturday evening. Neal had already said that I shouldn't cry at mass; something I've been doing regularly the past month. I made it up to the holy communion when the choir started to sing and I looked at Neal. He was crying. He didn't want me to know but I knew he was furiously dabbing at his eyes because of his tears. I couldn't help it either and I cried too. Everyday I just pray for strength. I need to concentrate on getting better so that I can be ready if I get pregnant again. Somehow Neal seems more open to the idea of getting pregnant this year instead of waiting again next year.. especially if he misses our baby. I'm just waiting for my doctor's "Go" signal. I really don't want to wait because I'm not really that young anymore even though people say otherwise. I just want to make sure and I don't want to have just one baby. I just hope when the time comes, we will be ready and we make the right decision.

living with uncertainty

Neal and I had another talk yesterday. I told him that I was having problems because I feel scared all the time now. My world, which used to be so safe and solid, was suddenly shaken at the very foundation. When something like this happens, it seems like anything can happen. Your life can never be normal.

We have changed from what we used to be and now it's up to us to be able to determine if the change is for the good or not. We know that we don't understand what has happened to us or why it had to happen to us. What's worse is this does not excuse us from other bad things happening to us in the future. Just because Nathan died does not mean that all our other kids, if we still have kids in the future, are not exempt from bad things happening to them.

As Filipinos, we like to comfort other people with those words. During the wake I couldn't even count the number of times that people told me that "we were still young, we would still have more kids" or that "God will give you lots of children". We don't know that for sure. Nobody knows that for sure. Although the signs are good, we are both healthy human beings anyway and we have no visible problems in conceiving, we still aren't sure. Even if we do have kids, we don't have a 100% chance that the baby will be completely healthy. In fact, we have nothing to hold on to.

That's faith for you. It's when you realize that you are not, nor were you ever in control of your life. You make decisions and you hope for the best. I realized that even after everything, my faith in God is still strong. Though I know I don't have the right to expect anything from him I still ask. I don't blame him for what happened. Sometimes I ask him why even if I know there is a big chance I may never know the answer. All I can do now is hope and pray.

I envy neal because he learned about this earlier than me. We will never know what the future holds. The world doesn't owe us anything. We just have to be strong and do our best to handle whatever situation life throws at us.

I just pray that we always have the strength to overcome any obstacle that comes our way.

back to work

I'm kinda apprehensive about going back to work. I didn't want anyone to know about my baby's problems back when we found out. Then when I gave birth and everything happened, I also didn't want them to know because I didn't want them to look at me differently. I didn't want them to feel sorry for me. When people do that I always have to keep a brave face. It's harder that way. I'd rather be treated the same way so that I don't have to keep up this brave face. I usually end up comforting them instead of the other way around. I have to go back soon though. I can't spend my afternoons or nights crying anymore.

conquering tv and masses

I think I hate the TV these days. Maybe its only because it's May and Mother's Day is such a big deal. Next month, it will be Father's Day and that will probably be another baby related thing. I just hate a lot of my favorite shows. I've been watching House for a couple of seasons now and they never have more than one episode involving a baby or a pregnant woman. Now it seems like this season's full of them because Cuddy wants a baby. Now she has one whose basically the same age as my baby. Even Grey's Anatomy had baby episodes when a doctor's own baby was hurt, he had Diaphragmatic hernia as well. Even Discovery channel and the Lifestyle Network has shows I would have loved to watch if baby Nathan was still alive. Now all I do is try to forget everything I was thinking about the last couple of months.

I hate this year. I hate this birthday, Why this year of all years? Why did he have to die? Why couldn't I keep him? I'm not a bad person? I probably wouldn't be a bad parent. I would have taken care of him.. What makes me different from all the other people I know who are going to give birth this year? I feel so lonely. A LOT of my friends and relatives are going to give birth this year. Some of them even have two kids. Why can't I be allowed even one? My cousin gave birth last January, her twin sister is 5 months pregnant. Cel gave birth last February, Tin last April and even Maui is pregnant and will give birth in July or August. Even my husband's sister will give birth in August. Why is my fate so horrible to me? I'm the only one who lost my baby. In the only year that I'm practically going to be surrounded by babies.

What's worse, I'm not even pregnant and I can't be pregnant for 3 months because of my doctor and Neal won't allow me to get pregnant this year either because waiting for our house to get built just takes too long. He's not helping me to get things done because his priority is the car. Can't I be selfish for once? I had such a beautiful baby... and I didn't even get to spend that much time with him. But he was mine and I already bonded with him even if they took him away. It's so unfair. Some parents take days before bonding with their babies. It hurts every time I remember him.

I'm so scared that I won't have another baby. Or that something bad will happen again or something...I can't stop this feeling unless I get pregnant again, then I'll probably be paranoid till I get a CAS on my 20th week and get an ALL HEALTHY result. Then after that I'll probably get worried till I give birth then after that I'll probably scar my baby for life because I will always be too paranoid that something will happen to him and I'll lose him again.

I hate going to mass. I always cry. I don't even have to have a reason anymore. I just cry. It doesn't matter which church, which priest, whatever reading. I just cry. I feel stupid because most of the time, the mass isn't even dramatic. The homily is normal and not heart wrenching and out of all the people, I'm the only one crying.

I hate it when people tell me I have an angel watching over me. I hate it for two reasons, one, it makes me cry and two, I'd rather have a normal baby. A lot of people live perfectly ok with a normal baby. Why can't I?

I know Nathan's an angel but most of the time I'd rather have him here with me so I can hold him.

giving is also part of letting go

Hi baby Nathan,

Today I officially gave away some of your baby things. I've packed everything else in plastic boxes. All of your clothes are placed in vacuum sealed pack even the ones from your grandparents in America. You would have loved them. They had animal prints that we loved in onesies, there were also towels, socks and mittens. They were all in green too. They didn't even know that was my favorite color.

There are some stuff I can't keep for your future siblings though. Like diapers (which only has a two year life for some strange reason), baby wash and baby wipes.

I don't think we will be having kids till next year and we can just buy these later for your future siblings. I know you won't mind. It makes me feel quite sad that we have to let go of some things. Especially since these were all handpicked by me or given to you by someone.

There is something I want to do for you. I wanted to do something handmade for your grave. Initially I just wanted candles but I'm now looking at origami projects. I want to make a collage for you. I just want to do something. Anything really. I'm getting the pictures developed tomorrow so I can start on your scrapbook.

I'm doing better though I think I need some kind of punishment every time I cry because of you.

Maybe not.

I dreamt about your great grandmother the other day. I saw her and she was so happy. I was able to hug her and I was crying because I was so glad I saw her again.

I wonder if you've seen her. Though I think your great grandfather will be a better playmate since he's used to taking care of me and I was a very playful and boisterous kid. Our family adores boys more than girls so you'll be ok. They'll take care of you.

I love you.

your mother.

A month old

Yesterday you became one month old. I felt happy yesterday. I didn't even know why. I visited the doctor and she was very hopeful. She knows I'll be able to get pregnant again and we will probably be trying soon. Your father and I will be moving into our new home in a few months and we plan to try again then. I wish you would visit us there. I still miss you. We both do. Even at night we sing and talk about you. I want to plant a tree or something. I just don't know if I can have a full grown tree in our new house. I will try it though. If we ever have other children, I want all of them to remember their eldest brother. You make me happy even if right now it seems you're the source of my grief. I only cry because I miss you. You made me, no you make me so happy. At first I was so scared that I will never be as happy as I was before. I was wrong. I just didn't know. I don't have to see you to be happy. I just need to remember you.

Orpheus V

Erect no monument. Just let the roses
blossom every year as his reward.
For that is Orpheus. His metamorphoses
to this and that. We shouldn't strive too hard
to find another name. Once and for all
it's Orpheus if there's song. He comes and goes
Isn't it enough that sometimes he'll
survive a few days longer than a rose?

And though he also worries at his passing,
he has to fade, for you to understand!
For when his world expands beyond existence,

he is already, where you can't go with him.
The lyre's bars do not constrain his hands.
And he obeys the best, when he's trespassing

-- Rilke

Fatest fix

I love having late night conversations with my husband. Sometimes I feel guilty because I don't need to wake up early the next morning and he does. He has started going to work again and he told me how awkward it was to talk to other people about baby Nathan. It's hard to talk about your kid without choking up or crying. He did mention that he also talked to an officemate of his who also lost a baby. He mentioned that the quickest fix is another baby.

Another baby is not meant to replace the lost child. I understand it though. Your body takes 9 months to prepare and when you lose a child, your body feels like it's missing something. I feel like I lost a limb and I can't get it back.

Arrgh!!! What I need now is patience. Patience and hope. I can't be scared if I do get pregnant again and I can't hurry this or something bad may happen again. Sometimes its just so hard.

God's Garden Must Be Beautiful

God saw you getting tired,
when a cure was not to be.
So he wrapped his arms around you
and he whispered, "Come to me".
You didn't deserve what ou went through
so he gave you rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
he only picks the best
and when i saw you sleeping,
so peaceful and free from pain,
I could not wish you back
to suffer that again.

I saw this poem in one of the mass cards they gave my baby Nathan. I loved it. It made me cry but it also made me realize that it is true. How can I wish him back just so I can have him but he'll be in pain? I love him too much to make him suffer.

Forgetting grief

People always ask me how I am and I always say I'm ok. I may have been trained too well in that regard. Our culture trains us to be polite and always appear composed. Even when you've lost someone, people expect us to be accomodating during the wake. That's the weird thing about Filipino culture. The wake lasts for 3 or more days where everyone visits you. Evene though I just gave birth 3 days before the start of the wake, I still stayed there everyday. I slept on benches, accomodated guests till 12 midnight, woke up early just to wash up at home then go back to the wake.

The truth is, I'm not ok. It's been a month but I'm still not ok. People grieve in different ways and I don't know what to do really. My days are not spent crying all day. I don't go out drinking myself to a stupor everyday though I would like to do that at least one day. I still function. Most of the time I just feel extremely lonely. While I used to cry in front of my family before, then a week after that I just used to cry in front of neal. Now I just get to cry when no one is awake or when no one is around. I'm tired of people telling me that I have to let go and get over this. I will. I know eventually I can think of my baby and not be sad. The pain won't completely go away but it will get easier. I just don't think it will happen in a month. Especially when I'm just at home doing nothing. I'm not focused on anything and all my preparation to take care of my baby during these months is useless.

When I see a baby in tv or anything remotely related to kids I still cry. I saw a House episode where there was this older brother taking care of his younger brother and I just can't help think of Nathan. Imagining how he would be if he grew up.

Sometimes people can't let go of their grief. I understand that too. I just don't want to let go of it now but I will let go of it.

I just really want to hold my baby and take care of him. Now I can't.

A friend of mine called me today. We haven't even met personally we just worked on a project together a few months before Nathan was born. I don't even know what she looks like since she is in India. She knew I was pregnant though and she even sent a pic of her baby to me. I promised her a picture of Nathan. I sent her an email about what happened to Nathan and she was also touched. SHe called me today just to ask how I was doing. Her voice was so soft and sad and I couldn't help myself from trying to comfort her even though she was trying to comfort me. Nathan is that special. He can affect people who haven't even met him. Half of what she said was lost in translation but I knew what she wanted to say and I appreciate it.

I still feel the pain. I am not mad at everyone else for not being sad like me but it makes me so lonely. I want to be able to talk to someone about this but I don't know anyone. Sometimes my mom tells me other people I know who had miscarriages but it's still different. I think about all my friends who've had more than one children and I feel orphaned. I really lost someone. I lost hope. I was so hopeful for his future. I had already prepared my world to accomodate him. It's just so unfair.

I want to have another child as soon as possible but it's not possible now. I'm counting months but days pass me by. Neal wants to wait until we move out to our new house. That might take 6 months at least and I can't wait that long. My heart can't wait that long. I don't know how he manages it. Especially since he's the one who really wanted a baby even before we got married. Now that it seems the tables have turned. It just hurts more for me. He seems so patient. I envy him.

What do you do when you've lost hope? I know we can still have kids. We are still healthy and normal but a part of me was disappointed when the doctor didn't say that we needed to try getting a baby again as soon as possible. I'm apparently better because 9 months of pregnancy did my endometriosis a whole lot of good. My baby probably did me more good than I did him.

I just need to figure out what to do next.

My current favorite word:

hope

Mother's Day

Mother's Day went by yesterday. I was initially planning to just crawl under my bed and let the day past me by. I had been dreading it the last couple of days. How do you know if you qualify for mother's day? I was a mother only for a day and I wasn't even allowed to do any motherly duties except hold my son's foot and hand for a few minutes.

I was so excited about this day two months before. I was going to be officially a mother for the first time and even though my son wouldn't be old enough to give me presents or greet me, I was still happy.

However since I was living with my own mother, who sometimes doesn't know when she hurts her children, demanded a mother's day celebration from us so we didn't have any choice.

I was initially very happy though. I woke up around 5am and while I was half asleep I felt happy and I realized it was because I could feel Nathan somewhere in the room. Actually, I could feel his presence between me and neal and I just felt happy knowing that he was with me even for a moment. I had to sleep again though and when I woke up he was gone.

I spent the morning arranging baby Nathan's clothes and stuff in a storage container. My dad was planning on putting them all in his house in the province so I wouldn't see them everyday. I wrapped his clothes in an airtight plastic and placed all his bottles, toys and baby items in a big plastic box. Even the items that my uncle and aunt sent from the States went there. I only left the items we would need to give away such as baby wipes, baby bath and diapers. They all expire next year and since neal isn't really hurrying to try again I can't hang on to them.

After a normal trip to the mall where my family ate at Mini Shabu Shabu, we decided to go to Christ the King early to visit my baby. The Garden of the Divine Word was holding a mass specially for mothers so we decided to stay. I had to sign up because the person in charge of the list knew about my baby's funeral 3 weeks before so I couldn't go without signing. Before the mass, we visited baby nathan's grave and I couldn't help but cry. I still miss him terribly. It's so hard to believe it's only been weeks. Sometimes it feels like years but the pain still feels like it just happened yesterday. I had to stay and cry even though I knew he wasn't there.

I still can't stop myself from crying during mass. Especially yesterday. It wasn't that the sermon was partcularly good but more on the fact that I always think of him when I'm inside a church. Nathan is the one who got me going back there in the first place. When we found out about his congenital defects I went to church every Sunday to pray for him. The priest said that the mother's catholic duty is to show their kids the way to God. For me it's different. Nathan is showing me the way to God. Nathan is the only one who convinced me that going to heaven is worth it. I never truly wanted to go to heaven till he died and I realized that the only way I can see him again is to follow him there.

I wanted to visit him again after the mass but the rain kept me from going there. The garden was very beautiful with its lights and the rain made everything glow. I'm glad we placed his ashes there. I want him to have the best even if it's only for his resting place.