Envy

I usually don't listen to our priest's sermons. Yesterday was different though. I think I really got hit.
He talked about envy. He described Envy as an irrational anger. I guess at first I never even thought that I was envious. Jealous maybe, selfish but never envious. I wasn't angry at the world. I'm certainly not angry at anyone. If there's anyone I'm angry with it's myself. How do you handle something you don't have any control over?
Then he mentioned a passage in Desiderata. Particularly this:

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

I have to be honest with myself. I have been comparing myself to others. I don't know why I couldn't keep my baby. I didn't know what I had done wrong. What made everyone else better than me? Was I going to be a bad mother? Was I going to kill him eventually and because of that I couldn't keep him?
I think about all the mothers out there. Some of them starve their kids, some of them don't care. There must have been at least one deserted fetus in the news every month while I was pregnant. I didn't drink, I don't smoke. My only vice is caffeine and even that I gave up for my baby. I still couldn't keep him. I have an aunt who used to drink and smoke while she was pregnant and her twin daughters are fine. I have a cousin who was living in the streets while pregnant, she was probably even doing drugs back then but her daughter still lives. I even envy the girl who went to the hospital once because she was bleeding. She was so young, she'd been drinking and smoking till she found out she was pregnant for 3 months now and she didn't even know if she wanted to keep the baby but her baby will probably still be fine. I am envious of all of them. I don't understand why and I am mad.
I have a job, a home, a husband who loves me, a family that supports me and I'm so afraid that I won't be able to have a normal baby anymore. I'm so afraid of trying even if I really want to have a baby because of what happened to baby Nathan. I'm scared that I'm cursed or something. I've always tried to be nice to people. I keep myself healthy.
I'm envious because I don't think I deserve losing my baby. What does everyone else have that I don't? Why did this happen to me?
I had to face it. I am envious and it is eating me right now. I may not be mad at anyone in particular but I sure am envious.
I may need the time to get over it.
I already promised myself I wouldn't get pregnant until we do get to live on our own. I just need patience and the guts to overcome this irrational anger I have.
Ironically, I can't remember being envious of anyone before this. Now, every time I see a baby, even in the streets, I'm envious of them.
I want to boycott family reunions this Christmas because I can't see other people with their kids. They don't know how lucky they are and all I realize when I see them is how SAD I am.
Even when Neal just talked to his kid brother on the phone, it hurt. I feel like I failed our family because I lost our baby. I can't even end this blog entry right.