I had a bad day yesterday. I was functional but sad. I cried in the morning too. Bad start to a lonely day. Sometimes I hate working at home. Even Facebook and other games can't help me. Well Stork Studio ads also didn't help.
It got a lot worse at night. For the last couple of days I've been hearing news about conjoined twins being born. There were twin girls born in the Philippines yesterday. I totally understood the look the parents had on their faces. They were probably told their girls wouldn't live past one month. The twins born just a couple of days before in Indonesia have already died. I wonder if they're the twins who keep calling to me.
I could honestly say I completely fooled myself there. When I was in that situation, I ignored all my instincts just to believe everything will be ok. The night he died, I should have been there earlier. I couldn't sleep because he wouldn't let me and I kept crying. I really did know. Even the dream I had when I was 3 months pregnant was already warning me that I wouldn't be able to do anything. Ignorance truly is bliss.
I'm so scared that something bad will happen again.
I cried myself to sleep that night. Neal kept telling me things alternating between scolding me and assuring me everything will be fine.
I haven't lost hope. I just lose sight of it once in a while.
He also said a couple of things last night. I think he may have meant to comfort me but it didn't. He said we shouldn't have forced having a baby. We followed the doctor's orders and look what happened. He wanted to wait till the house was built and instead I had to hurry.
The thing is, a lot of people get pregnant when they're not ready. Compared to them, I'm of legal age, I don't drink and smoke, I have a husband, I live in a home and we both have stable jobs. God doesn't kill their babies because they're not prepared to have them. For some unfathomable reason, God took mine.
Then he mentioned that I always say I miss my baby but what's there to miss? We didn't take care of him. I think he just doesn't understand. When you're pregnant, the effect on your husband is minimal. Their bodies don't change, they don't get hormones, they don't share their bodies with someone else. I did. Even if I never actually took care of him, I took care of him inside me. I did a shitty job but I did my best. It breaks my heart knowing that I failed my baby.
I believe they become fathers when they hold the baby in their arms. He had such a short time with Nathan and maybe that makes it easier for him to go back to normal.
I can never go back to normal. Everyday, I have a body that carried him. I'm changed and I can never go back.
I want to be patient. I really do. I understand what Neal said and I don't want to force it. All I have is the hope that I can keep the next baby. I'm sorry if I keep asking for one. Everyday in fact for me is just one less day till I can get pregnant again. It's idiotic really. Then again, you're talking to a person who would rather walk unknown distances (in the south expressway no less) just so she wouldn't have to wait for a jeep. I'd rather go up 18 flights of stairs with my laptop than to wait for a slow elevator. That's who I am and it will take me a while to discover this phenomena called Patience.
I just need help and understanding.
Since I can't really look for a person who suffered my ordeal, I just have to live with what life is giving me right now. Life gives us sad times so we can appreciate the happy ones. I just wish the happy times will come soon.
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