Lost

I was looking for a couple of friends in Facebook. Every time I see people my age with two kids I feel kinda sad. Was I wrong to wait? I'm so scared that I may not get another chance. Some people already have what I am now just beginning to want.

When my mother was my age, she couldn't give birth anymore because of complications in her endometriosis. I just don't want the same thing to happen to me. I don't want a big family but I do want 2-3 kids and my current number is 0.

Lately there have been times I've been feeling lost. Not that it's bad. I'm actually ok most of the time when I'm not thinking about it.

Neal's sister is giving birth this Saturday and he wants me to come and see them. I actually don't want to go. I'm happy for them and all but can't I just hide here until I get myself pregnant again?

He wants me to get used to it because eventually I do have to get used to it but I just want to stay safe and ignorantly happy somewhere. It's not like I can keep myself from knowing but at least don't shove it to my face. I just need more time. He won't do the simplest things for me but he wants me to do this for him and that's kind of unfair.

There are still nights when I feel lost and when everyone's asleep and I can't fall asleep, I wish that I can exchange this reality with something else.