Taking time

I had a bad day yesterday. I was functional but sad. I cried in the morning too. Bad start to a lonely day. Sometimes I hate working at home. Even Facebook and other games can't help me. Well Stork Studio ads also didn't help.
It got a lot worse at night. For the last couple of days I've been hearing news about conjoined twins being born. There were twin girls born in the Philippines yesterday. I totally understood the look the parents had on their faces. They were probably told their girls wouldn't live past one month. The twins born just a couple of days before in Indonesia have already died. I wonder if they're the twins who keep calling to me.
I could honestly say I completely fooled myself there. When I was in that situation, I ignored all my instincts just to believe everything will be ok. The night he died, I should have been there earlier. I couldn't sleep because he wouldn't let me and I kept crying. I really did know. Even the dream I had when I was 3 months pregnant was already warning me that I wouldn't be able to do anything. Ignorance truly is bliss.
I'm so scared that something bad will happen again.
I cried myself to sleep that night. Neal kept telling me things alternating between scolding me and assuring me everything will be fine.
I haven't lost hope. I just lose sight of it once in a while.
He also said a couple of things last night. I think he may have meant to comfort me but it didn't. He said we shouldn't have forced having a baby. We followed the doctor's orders and look what happened. He wanted to wait till the house was built and instead I had to hurry.
The thing is, a lot of people get pregnant when they're not ready. Compared to them, I'm of legal age, I don't drink and smoke, I have a husband, I live in a home and we both have stable jobs. God doesn't kill their babies because they're not prepared to have them. For some unfathomable reason, God took mine.
Then he mentioned that I always say I miss my baby but what's there to miss? We didn't take care of him. I think he just doesn't understand. When you're pregnant, the effect on your husband is minimal. Their bodies don't change, they don't get hormones, they don't share their bodies with someone else. I did. Even if I never actually took care of him, I took care of him inside me. I did a shitty job but I did my best. It breaks my heart knowing that I failed my baby.
I believe they become fathers when they hold the baby in their arms. He had such a short time with Nathan and maybe that makes it easier for him to go back to normal.
I can never go back to normal. Everyday, I have a body that carried him. I'm changed and I can never go back.
I want to be patient. I really do. I understand what Neal said and I don't want to force it. All I have is the hope that I can keep the next baby. I'm sorry if I keep asking for one. Everyday in fact for me is just one less day till I can get pregnant again. It's idiotic really. Then again, you're talking to a person who would rather walk unknown distances (in the south expressway no less) just so she wouldn't have to wait for a jeep. I'd rather go up 18 flights of stairs with my laptop than to wait for a slow elevator. That's who I am and it will take me a while to discover this phenomena called Patience.
I just need help and understanding.
Since I can't really look for a person who suffered my ordeal, I just have to live with what life is giving me right now. Life gives us sad times so we can appreciate the happy ones. I just wish the happy times will come soon.

If I have a child again

If I get pregnant again, I will buy these wall decors from whatisblik.com. Even if it is 38 dollars and will probably cost a lot just to ship here. I won't skimp on my kids anymore. Practical or not, I just don't care anymore.

walking the line

I feel like a tight rope walker. If I let myself sway in one direction, I'll fall. Into what? I'm not even sure of that.
I wish I was really strong. Not this fake strength I've got pulled on that's so easily blown off by the slightest wind.
I googled for "How to get hope back". I got like tons of "how to get my lover back" pages.
I still have hope. It's currently being raised in Alabang. I just don't have patience. I know Neal tells me every time that everything will be ok but I guess I just want to experience it first before I can breathe easier.
I guess I'm scared that something else will happen. I'm scared because I know there's no way I can be sure.
I've been wanting twins and I keep hearing news about conjoined twins. I'm scared that it will happen to me.
Now in the news, I saw two siblings with cleft lips. I feel so weak against this.
I hate fate. How can I be so lucky but not be able to give that luck to my child? I'd rather lose everything than to lose another baby.
With this world, how can I get my hope back?

Lost

I was looking for a couple of friends in Facebook. Every time I see people my age with two kids I feel kinda sad. Was I wrong to wait? I'm so scared that I may not get another chance. Some people already have what I am now just beginning to want.

When my mother was my age, she couldn't give birth anymore because of complications in her endometriosis. I just don't want the same thing to happen to me. I don't want a big family but I do want 2-3 kids and my current number is 0.

Lately there have been times I've been feeling lost. Not that it's bad. I'm actually ok most of the time when I'm not thinking about it.

Neal's sister is giving birth this Saturday and he wants me to come and see them. I actually don't want to go. I'm happy for them and all but can't I just hide here until I get myself pregnant again?

He wants me to get used to it because eventually I do have to get used to it but I just want to stay safe and ignorantly happy somewhere. It's not like I can keep myself from knowing but at least don't shove it to my face. I just need more time. He won't do the simplest things for me but he wants me to do this for him and that's kind of unfair.

There are still nights when I feel lost and when everyone's asleep and I can't fall asleep, I wish that I can exchange this reality with something else.

Hope rises

Just a little disclaimer

This is for the sake of the 2 or 3 people who actually read this blog. Yes, you know who you are ^_^.

I am depressed. It's been what? 3 months since my son died. I'm supposed to be depressed. My depression however is not this constant hanging thing on my head. I'm still a functioning human being.

There are still days when I am happy and active. The only problem is that sometimes, I cry before I sleep or I feel sad when I remember. It takes more to make me happy but if you compare it to other people's standards, it is still surprisingly simple to make me happy.

Sometimes I hate my situation but I never hate people for being happy. I may gripe all the time about everyone else having an easy life and having tons of kids while I have none but I don't wish them harm.

I know how it feels to lose a child and if I could, I'd study to become a surgeon for infants (the exact name escapes me) and be damn good at it just to make sure this never happens to anyone ever again.

I don't hate people for being happy because life is just like that. Sometimes it sucks and sometimes its great. Be happy. Just don't expect me to always be happy for you all the time. I won't be raving about it but I will support you.

I still have hope, though it escapes me sometimes. I still have it and I only need to wait a few more months. I'm looking at this as a hard lesson for patience. Something I never really had before.

Someday, I'll have my twins and even up the number.

Good News

Tragedy or depression does not mix well with good news.

We were watching P.S. I Love You, a movie with Gerard Butler and Hillary Swank. Hillary Swank plays a 30 year old woman who just lost her husband of 11 years(Gerard Butler). There's a scene there where Hillary Swank is on a boat together with her two friends and she learns that one of them is pregnant and the other is about to get married. I definitely understand the look on her face. Her character isn't bad. She feels happy for her friends but sometimes when you are in that state, good news feel like you're applying lemons to your wound while trying to look happy.
When I turn to Neal he said, "Well at least Arf hasn't told you she's getting married."

Add to that the fact that we just found out Hershey (another one of Neal's friend's wife) is also 5 months pregnant. That's their second child.

Maybe it would have been easier to deal had not everyone I known was having a baby this year. Maybe, maybe not. This is the bitter (and brutal I might add) life fate has dealt me this year. I just have to deal and live with it.

There's always hope that it'll get better. I hope. I'm seriously doubting I had any easy years in my life. Maybe I'm just too optimistic to notice.

This year kind of gives new meaning to the term "kicking you while you're down."

I really wish it was near the end not just the middle of the year. It's really depressing how time slows down when you don't want it to.

July

I woke up and realized it's just July. Time is moving so slowly... I wish I didn't have to live one day at a time. I wish I could skip weeks or months. I wish that I could go back in time...
I want to be in a time where all I worried about was love, boys and work. Or send me to a time when I have all the responsibilities of having a baby that I can actually keep.
Anything. Just not here. Not this time.

Loneliness

I do feel depressed. I think though that being lonely is worse. I don't believe that Neal has gotten over Nathan's death. He just doesn't show it and it makes me sad because I always feel so alone when I'm sad. Maybe if we were sad together it will be ok. We are still going to wait though. I just want to move out of here before I get pregnant again. When I do, I promise I'll be prepared to do anything. Even take a sabbatical just to make sure my baby's ok. I owe Nathan that much.

This is perfect for me

The Warrior is a Child
-- Gary Valenciano

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing, strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me, I'm hiding all the tears


They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
Deep inside this armour - the warrior is a child.


Unafraid because His armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest.
People say that I'm amazing - never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies that lay me at His feet.


They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armour...


Deep inside this armour...
Deep inside this armour...
The warrior is a child.

I love and hate this song because it always makes me cry

Hiram sa Diyos

Hiram sa Diyos ang aking buhay
Ikaw at akoy tanging handog lamang
Di ko ninais na akoy isilang
Ngunit salamat dahil may buhay
***
Ligaya ko nang akoy isilang
Pagkat tao ay mayroong dangal

Chorus:
Sinong may pag ibig, sinong nagmamahal
Kundi ang taong DIYOS ang
pinagmulan
Kung di ako umibig, kung di ko man
bigyang halaga
Ang buhay koy handog
Ang buhay kong hiram sa DIYOS
Kung di ako magmamahal sino ako.

name

children should never die before their parents. if it was normal and acceptable, we'd have a name for parents who have lost their children.

ups and downs

As you can see, my blog posts are pretty much a roller coaster. My emotions are like that. I can be completely happy then completely sad in the next 5 minutes. I hate being alone because that's when I'm usually sad. I can have all the hope in the world and lose it somewhere again before the day ends. I apologize for that but then again, I've always been like that.

If I have a boy again

If I ever have a boy again, I'll name him Peter Samuel.
Peter because I asked St Peter to help me get a boy and Samuel because:

So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the LORD for him."

Samuel 1:20

Envy

I usually don't listen to our priest's sermons. Yesterday was different though. I think I really got hit.
He talked about envy. He described Envy as an irrational anger. I guess at first I never even thought that I was envious. Jealous maybe, selfish but never envious. I wasn't angry at the world. I'm certainly not angry at anyone. If there's anyone I'm angry with it's myself. How do you handle something you don't have any control over?
Then he mentioned a passage in Desiderata. Particularly this:

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

I have to be honest with myself. I have been comparing myself to others. I don't know why I couldn't keep my baby. I didn't know what I had done wrong. What made everyone else better than me? Was I going to be a bad mother? Was I going to kill him eventually and because of that I couldn't keep him?
I think about all the mothers out there. Some of them starve their kids, some of them don't care. There must have been at least one deserted fetus in the news every month while I was pregnant. I didn't drink, I don't smoke. My only vice is caffeine and even that I gave up for my baby. I still couldn't keep him. I have an aunt who used to drink and smoke while she was pregnant and her twin daughters are fine. I have a cousin who was living in the streets while pregnant, she was probably even doing drugs back then but her daughter still lives. I even envy the girl who went to the hospital once because she was bleeding. She was so young, she'd been drinking and smoking till she found out she was pregnant for 3 months now and she didn't even know if she wanted to keep the baby but her baby will probably still be fine. I am envious of all of them. I don't understand why and I am mad.
I have a job, a home, a husband who loves me, a family that supports me and I'm so afraid that I won't be able to have a normal baby anymore. I'm so afraid of trying even if I really want to have a baby because of what happened to baby Nathan. I'm scared that I'm cursed or something. I've always tried to be nice to people. I keep myself healthy.
I'm envious because I don't think I deserve losing my baby. What does everyone else have that I don't? Why did this happen to me?
I had to face it. I am envious and it is eating me right now. I may not be mad at anyone in particular but I sure am envious.
I may need the time to get over it.
I already promised myself I wouldn't get pregnant until we do get to live on our own. I just need patience and the guts to overcome this irrational anger I have.
Ironically, I can't remember being envious of anyone before this. Now, every time I see a baby, even in the streets, I'm envious of them.
I want to boycott family reunions this Christmas because I can't see other people with their kids. They don't know how lucky they are and all I realize when I see them is how SAD I am.
Even when Neal just talked to his kid brother on the phone, it hurt. I feel like I failed our family because I lost our baby. I can't even end this blog entry right.

Hope lives

Neal gave me one condition before we try for kids again: we should be living in our new house. Yesterday we went to our house and we were happy to find a lot of improvement considering it was started less than a month ago. I don't have any pictures before this but it was just a vacant lot before. This is about 1/4 the work done. At least half the floor is already set up.
We're planning to visit there again next month so we can see more of the progress. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the work will proceed quickly so we can move in before the year ends. I do wish we do.
It's getting harder and harder to be patient.