old letter

Dear FutureMe,
I am writing to you in order to remind you that there was a time when you thought you had no more hope. I wish that when you read this you will think that the past you shouldn't have worried so much, that everything was for the best.
I hope you can understand that even when you lose, you still gain, that when people come into yur lives no matter how short their time with you may be, you should treasure them and learn from them.
I wish that you now have children who give you joy. Children who know about your loss but are happy when they remember Nathan.
I hope they all know how beautiful and brave he was. How he changed our lives forever.
I hope all your friends are still there for you as you are for them.
I wish that you are a stronger version of me right now. Stronger, more hopeful, better prepared.
I wish that you are still deeply in love with Neal. Growing old with him, raising a family.
Most of all, I wish you to be happy.
Understand. This is a dark time but it is not the end.
Take care, so you'll be able to read this in the future.
Never lose hope. I am your best example of how you overcame everything.

Regards,
The past you

36 weeks

I am now in my 36th week of pregnancy. Everything is normal but that doesn't mean I'm not scared. I'm still scared that anything might happen. I can still lose my baby. I can't handle that fear. I'm aware that I'm having a normal baby and a normal pregnancy but it still scares me. The last time with Nathan, we didn't go into the hospital scared because poor naive me didn't think anything bad could happen even with the CDH and everything. I just thought we would go through the operation and bring the baby home after a few days. It's not being prepared that kills you. So now that we know the harsh realities of life, it's scaring the hell out of me. I hate preparing for the hospital because I'm afraid I will jinx it. I'm afraid that if I pack my hospital bag and have the baby stuff prepared, I will lose my baby. I know I'm not being logical about this. I'm fine, Tristan's fine and everything will be ok. I just wish that I can skip the next few weeks and go directly to when I can hold him in my arms and then I'll know that everything is really ok.

The hardest question

The hardest question that I've been asked now that I'm in my 9th month: "Is this your first baby?" The first few months that I was pregnant, Neal and I talked about this question a lot. Mostly because of the awkwardness. We used to say "No" at first. But then people ask a lot of follow up questions like, "Boy or Girl?", "How old is he?" and "Do you have pictures?" Which then leads us to explain what happened. We hate the aftermath of explaining to people we hardly know that our first baby dies, why he died and most of all, I hate their reactions. Neal and I shared experiences and we kind of weighed the consequences of our answers. We decided that saying "yes" to the first question would just stop all the rest and everyone will be happy. It was not as if we were denying Nathan's existence. We just didn't want to get hurt anymore. So now, I just lie whenever I get asked that question. I just hope Nathan understands.

Going to 7 months

We actually had our CAS (Congenital Abnormality Scan) during my 20th week. We had the best news yet, our baby was a normal, healthy baby boy. I was happy the room was dark because I really cried. Somehow, all the sacrifices were worth it.

We're naming the baby Tristan Raguel. Well, at least until we find something else. Neal keeps calling him "Lord Raguel". I'm not as excited as I used to be. I'm not running around buying stuff. I want to. I really do but I'm so afraid I'll jinx it and everything will come falling down.

I even had a dream where I saw his arm under my tummy. Then I could see him but he was skeletal, and my mom told me to ask the doctor about it. He's fine of course. I saw his face in during the CAS and all his little fingers and toes. He moves a lot. As I'm writing this, he seems like he's crawling on my belly and I'm happy. I just wish I can let go of my breath. I seem to be holding it in all the time, afraid that something may happen.

I know it's normal. Given what we've been through. I just don't want anything to happen anymore or I may just give up this baby thing altogether. I miss Nathan. Funny how you can miss someone you hardly knew. But I do. Neal sometimes calls Tristan, "Nathan". I guess sometimes that's what I'm worried about. I don't want him to be a replacement baby. I won't be having him if Nathan didn't die but still, he's here not to replace Nathan.

Having another baby boy made us really happy. I really want a baby boy first because I've always wanted a big brother.

I know deep down inside everything will be better but every little thing still makes me feel weird. I had a slight fever before the CAS because of a bad tummy. I'm more constipated. I seem to be affected by pregnancy symptoms more than the last time... I don't know if it's all in my head.

I still have 3 months. A total of 22 weeks. I'm going on my 27th week this Saturday and I'm excited to see him again when I visit my doctor.

I'll post pics when he comes out. This time we will do everything right.

Good News!

Yup, sorry I have been delayed in posting. Neal pointed out to me that I should be updating this at least. Good news and bad news should have equal weights.

I'm pregnant! Today, I'm officially 10 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Not a whole lot of tummy yet and I haven't exactly been gaining weight recently. I've had major cases of morning, noon and evening sickness. I've spotted once when I did something stupid and tried to clean the backyard. I've had medicines, slept all day when I could and had minor food cravings. I've had lots of mood swings. Mostly work related which is good for Neal but bad for me. I've been too busy at work to write anything. We just finished SCAMPI A and I had to work 12 hour days for 2 weeks straight without any work from home days. I've been stressed because of people at work pushing em to do things when no one else will help me. Happily, I'm now past that. Though I still have a major project just starting. I feel more at ease.

I still have horrible bouts of fatigue and there are times I sneak into small conference rooms just so I can catch some sleep. I still go to work with Neal so I usually arrive at work 6:30-7:00AM and I leave around 7:30-9:00PM so it is very tiring.

There are days when I feel like eating certain kinds of food. I don't eat a lot though. Like my Sbarro pizza craving and I didn't even end up finishing it. I'm craving a fruit salad now. Most of my cravings are meat particularly beef. I once had a dinner of steak and vanilla milkshake. Yes I finished that for some reason. I want soup most of the time and I love cooking Filipino foods like Nilaga and Tinola. I would love Nilaga now.

We're scared of course. Every little thing scares me and I ask my doctor like I haven't been through this before.

I had a dream once, that we were waiting for my baby and my sister suddenly says that's him. Then this cute little baby walks up then falls down because I realized he's too young to walk. He's perfect except his left arm isn't complete. It's like a small version of Hellboy's arm. I was crying and asking my sister why I couldn't have normal babies.

Basically, the last few months have been intense. I look forward to finishing my first trimester smoothly. No fevers or sicknesses. I just want to make sure my baby is safe.

Lastly, I know it's way too early but I swear I can feel my baby move. Not big movements and not all the time but I do feel him/her. Small jabs right in the middle. It's always in the same place and it's not a beat. I hope and pray my baby's ok. All we have right now is hope.

day 32

It's my 32nd day. Still no sign of my period. Sometimes I get cramps. Not major ones, just minor persisting ones for about 30 minutes then they disappear. On top of that, I'm experiencing major morning sickness. Nausea and all. I didn't even experience this with baby Nathan. I'm still scared to take a pregnancy test. Cold hard truths are not something I want right now.

holding my breath

I'm still counting the days. I'm not sure if I'm pregnant or I'm just really late. I've been late the past 2 months. Maybe because of the stress and the fact that my life has changed but I'm worried. I'm worried that even if I do wait a week or so before I take another pregnancy test, I'd just find out I wasn't pregnant and be sad. It's like my body is waiting for the result before it realizes that I have to have my period now.

Depression still comes and goes. Not really jealous anymore... I feel like I can actually go out and meet babies again. Lol. In fact I have been taking pictures of kids again and I don't feel sad when I do.

It's a big step. I need that step especially since I have to go visit Dawn's Baby Tala and be a godmother to Ariana.

I still cry when I go to Nathan but other than that day and the day I thought I was going to have my period, I don't cry anymore. Ok, the crying when I thought I would have my period may have delayed my actual period. I don't know. I feel like I'm in a waiting game. I just wish I knew when it will end. But if I am afraid of finding out the result in the end, I'd rather wait it out. I've accepted the fact that I may not be pregnant anyway. I bought napkins and they are in my bag. I still hold my breath every time I check my underwear though.

another month goes by

Do you know that early pregnancy signs and pre menstrual signs are the same? It's also hell when you want to conceive so badly you can't trust your body anymore. When I first got pregnant, I was so sure, days within the conception that I was pregnant. Now, after one month of "hysterical pregnancy" I don't trust my instincts anymore. I want it so bad, I fool myself.
So here I am, feeling strangely tired, hot and my lower abs is cramping. It's a symptom of either pregnancy or PMS. The worst part is, I have to wait 3-5 more days till I can do a test again.
I hate that test. I hate waking up in the morning, peeing and waiting for another line to appear.
I don't like waiting anymore.

no pregnancy results

I'd love to say that I was pregnant but I'm not. Looking back at my posts, being pregnant would just get me worried because I got sick and I was present while the house was still being finished and cigarette smoke and chemical smells were normal. I guess that's the good part. The bad part is that now I'm worried that other things may be wrong. It took me and Neal 2 days to get pregnant back then and the amount of sex we had last month should have been enough. Oh well. There's still time. As long as I don't panic. I actually wondered if I've hit depression. I checked out a site and as for the signs, no, I don't have any.

Are you depressed?

If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.

* you can’t sleep or you sleep too much
* you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult
* you feel hopeless and helpless
* you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
* you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating
* you are much more irritable and short-tempered than usual
* you have thoughts that life is not worth living (Seek help immediately if this is the case)

The last line was funny though. heheh.

I wish I had Hyposomia. It would be nice to sleep like a log for more than 10 hours. When Neal hibernates, he stays in bed for 12-15. I can't stand it. My head starts to hurt after the 8th hour of sleeping.

I'm actually getting better. loads better. I don't get sad as often as I used to and I don't start crying on demand. It's actually getting hard to cry.

There are still times when it gets hard but I don't feel bad anymore. A cousin of mine got married and we all think she's pregnant. She probably is because my uncle went up to me and said, "Nakabawi ka na ba anak?" (very rough translation: Have you regained what you have lost?) How do you answer that? "Yes uncle, let me introduce you to the half a dozen kids I gave birth to during the 6 or so months that we didn't meet." Seriously. I didn't lose anything that can be replaced. I have accepted that. If I don't any other child of mine will be screwed for life. I once thought that having twins would "even up the score". That I'd have the same amount of live children as the number of times I gave birth but that's not true.

There's no way the score will be even. There is no "score". I lost someone and I'll never get him back. I guess accepting that is the hardest lesson I learned this year.

All I have now is hope. All I want to keep is hope. No bitterness, no anger and NO REGRETS. I've lived like that all my life, this is not the time to change my views of the world.

I guess next month, I hope I could say I'm pregnant.

pre pregnancy blues

We've actively started trying to get pregnant last month so I will know this week if I am pregnant or not. I wish I could say I'm all smiles but not really. Because last Dec 28, I suffered from a fever for about half a day. I don't know what happened really. I guess my body just broke down since I have been working pretty hard inside the house and I caught a cold somewhere at the same time. We got home and I was already feeling bad. I barely slept and by morning, I was running a fever. It wasn't very high, I barely reached 37 C and according to the internet, 38.7 C is the magic number. However, it's still not enough to keep me from panicking. I don't know why I'm like this. For the entire year the only time I got sick was last week and the time I thought I was pregnant last October. It's like my body is rejecting the very idea and I don't understand why. Something always happens that makes me want to wish I wasn't pregnant yet. Arrgh! Life really hasn't finished kicking me it seems.
Here I was thinking I was getting better. I've actually started taking pictures of kids again, babies really and I haven't been crying. Jealous yes but at least just the normal kind. I guess it's still an improvement. The holidays haven't been rough since I've been busy. Now that things have settled down I do hope everything will be alright. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed.