40 days

Last Saturday we celebrated Nathan's 40 days after his death. I'm not sure if it is a Filipino tradition that just has its roots in Catholicism or if it is an actual ritual celebrated by Catholics. 40 days is a significant date because it is the time Jesus spent here on earth before going up to heaven after he resurrected. Nathan's 40 days coincided with Pentecost Sunday which is the day the Holy Spirit came down to the apostles to give them strength and knowledge. It is also the day the Catholic Church was born. We celebrated the mass on Saturday evening. Neal had already said that I shouldn't cry at mass; something I've been doing regularly the past month. I made it up to the holy communion when the choir started to sing and I looked at Neal. He was crying. He didn't want me to know but I knew he was furiously dabbing at his eyes because of his tears. I couldn't help it either and I cried too. Everyday I just pray for strength. I need to concentrate on getting better so that I can be ready if I get pregnant again. Somehow Neal seems more open to the idea of getting pregnant this year instead of waiting again next year.. especially if he misses our baby. I'm just waiting for my doctor's "Go" signal. I really don't want to wait because I'm not really that young anymore even though people say otherwise. I just want to make sure and I don't want to have just one baby. I just hope when the time comes, we will be ready and we make the right decision.

living with uncertainty

Neal and I had another talk yesterday. I told him that I was having problems because I feel scared all the time now. My world, which used to be so safe and solid, was suddenly shaken at the very foundation. When something like this happens, it seems like anything can happen. Your life can never be normal.

We have changed from what we used to be and now it's up to us to be able to determine if the change is for the good or not. We know that we don't understand what has happened to us or why it had to happen to us. What's worse is this does not excuse us from other bad things happening to us in the future. Just because Nathan died does not mean that all our other kids, if we still have kids in the future, are not exempt from bad things happening to them.

As Filipinos, we like to comfort other people with those words. During the wake I couldn't even count the number of times that people told me that "we were still young, we would still have more kids" or that "God will give you lots of children". We don't know that for sure. Nobody knows that for sure. Although the signs are good, we are both healthy human beings anyway and we have no visible problems in conceiving, we still aren't sure. Even if we do have kids, we don't have a 100% chance that the baby will be completely healthy. In fact, we have nothing to hold on to.

That's faith for you. It's when you realize that you are not, nor were you ever in control of your life. You make decisions and you hope for the best. I realized that even after everything, my faith in God is still strong. Though I know I don't have the right to expect anything from him I still ask. I don't blame him for what happened. Sometimes I ask him why even if I know there is a big chance I may never know the answer. All I can do now is hope and pray.

I envy neal because he learned about this earlier than me. We will never know what the future holds. The world doesn't owe us anything. We just have to be strong and do our best to handle whatever situation life throws at us.

I just pray that we always have the strength to overcome any obstacle that comes our way.

back to work

I'm kinda apprehensive about going back to work. I didn't want anyone to know about my baby's problems back when we found out. Then when I gave birth and everything happened, I also didn't want them to know because I didn't want them to look at me differently. I didn't want them to feel sorry for me. When people do that I always have to keep a brave face. It's harder that way. I'd rather be treated the same way so that I don't have to keep up this brave face. I usually end up comforting them instead of the other way around. I have to go back soon though. I can't spend my afternoons or nights crying anymore.

conquering tv and masses

I think I hate the TV these days. Maybe its only because it's May and Mother's Day is such a big deal. Next month, it will be Father's Day and that will probably be another baby related thing. I just hate a lot of my favorite shows. I've been watching House for a couple of seasons now and they never have more than one episode involving a baby or a pregnant woman. Now it seems like this season's full of them because Cuddy wants a baby. Now she has one whose basically the same age as my baby. Even Grey's Anatomy had baby episodes when a doctor's own baby was hurt, he had Diaphragmatic hernia as well. Even Discovery channel and the Lifestyle Network has shows I would have loved to watch if baby Nathan was still alive. Now all I do is try to forget everything I was thinking about the last couple of months.

I hate this year. I hate this birthday, Why this year of all years? Why did he have to die? Why couldn't I keep him? I'm not a bad person? I probably wouldn't be a bad parent. I would have taken care of him.. What makes me different from all the other people I know who are going to give birth this year? I feel so lonely. A LOT of my friends and relatives are going to give birth this year. Some of them even have two kids. Why can't I be allowed even one? My cousin gave birth last January, her twin sister is 5 months pregnant. Cel gave birth last February, Tin last April and even Maui is pregnant and will give birth in July or August. Even my husband's sister will give birth in August. Why is my fate so horrible to me? I'm the only one who lost my baby. In the only year that I'm practically going to be surrounded by babies.

What's worse, I'm not even pregnant and I can't be pregnant for 3 months because of my doctor and Neal won't allow me to get pregnant this year either because waiting for our house to get built just takes too long. He's not helping me to get things done because his priority is the car. Can't I be selfish for once? I had such a beautiful baby... and I didn't even get to spend that much time with him. But he was mine and I already bonded with him even if they took him away. It's so unfair. Some parents take days before bonding with their babies. It hurts every time I remember him.

I'm so scared that I won't have another baby. Or that something bad will happen again or something...I can't stop this feeling unless I get pregnant again, then I'll probably be paranoid till I get a CAS on my 20th week and get an ALL HEALTHY result. Then after that I'll probably get worried till I give birth then after that I'll probably scar my baby for life because I will always be too paranoid that something will happen to him and I'll lose him again.

I hate going to mass. I always cry. I don't even have to have a reason anymore. I just cry. It doesn't matter which church, which priest, whatever reading. I just cry. I feel stupid because most of the time, the mass isn't even dramatic. The homily is normal and not heart wrenching and out of all the people, I'm the only one crying.

I hate it when people tell me I have an angel watching over me. I hate it for two reasons, one, it makes me cry and two, I'd rather have a normal baby. A lot of people live perfectly ok with a normal baby. Why can't I?

I know Nathan's an angel but most of the time I'd rather have him here with me so I can hold him.

giving is also part of letting go

Hi baby Nathan,

Today I officially gave away some of your baby things. I've packed everything else in plastic boxes. All of your clothes are placed in vacuum sealed pack even the ones from your grandparents in America. You would have loved them. They had animal prints that we loved in onesies, there were also towels, socks and mittens. They were all in green too. They didn't even know that was my favorite color.

There are some stuff I can't keep for your future siblings though. Like diapers (which only has a two year life for some strange reason), baby wash and baby wipes.

I don't think we will be having kids till next year and we can just buy these later for your future siblings. I know you won't mind. It makes me feel quite sad that we have to let go of some things. Especially since these were all handpicked by me or given to you by someone.

There is something I want to do for you. I wanted to do something handmade for your grave. Initially I just wanted candles but I'm now looking at origami projects. I want to make a collage for you. I just want to do something. Anything really. I'm getting the pictures developed tomorrow so I can start on your scrapbook.

I'm doing better though I think I need some kind of punishment every time I cry because of you.

Maybe not.

I dreamt about your great grandmother the other day. I saw her and she was so happy. I was able to hug her and I was crying because I was so glad I saw her again.

I wonder if you've seen her. Though I think your great grandfather will be a better playmate since he's used to taking care of me and I was a very playful and boisterous kid. Our family adores boys more than girls so you'll be ok. They'll take care of you.

I love you.

your mother.

A month old

Yesterday you became one month old. I felt happy yesterday. I didn't even know why. I visited the doctor and she was very hopeful. She knows I'll be able to get pregnant again and we will probably be trying soon. Your father and I will be moving into our new home in a few months and we plan to try again then. I wish you would visit us there. I still miss you. We both do. Even at night we sing and talk about you. I want to plant a tree or something. I just don't know if I can have a full grown tree in our new house. I will try it though. If we ever have other children, I want all of them to remember their eldest brother. You make me happy even if right now it seems you're the source of my grief. I only cry because I miss you. You made me, no you make me so happy. At first I was so scared that I will never be as happy as I was before. I was wrong. I just didn't know. I don't have to see you to be happy. I just need to remember you.

Orpheus V

Erect no monument. Just let the roses
blossom every year as his reward.
For that is Orpheus. His metamorphoses
to this and that. We shouldn't strive too hard
to find another name. Once and for all
it's Orpheus if there's song. He comes and goes
Isn't it enough that sometimes he'll
survive a few days longer than a rose?

And though he also worries at his passing,
he has to fade, for you to understand!
For when his world expands beyond existence,

he is already, where you can't go with him.
The lyre's bars do not constrain his hands.
And he obeys the best, when he's trespassing

-- Rilke

Fatest fix

I love having late night conversations with my husband. Sometimes I feel guilty because I don't need to wake up early the next morning and he does. He has started going to work again and he told me how awkward it was to talk to other people about baby Nathan. It's hard to talk about your kid without choking up or crying. He did mention that he also talked to an officemate of his who also lost a baby. He mentioned that the quickest fix is another baby.

Another baby is not meant to replace the lost child. I understand it though. Your body takes 9 months to prepare and when you lose a child, your body feels like it's missing something. I feel like I lost a limb and I can't get it back.

Arrgh!!! What I need now is patience. Patience and hope. I can't be scared if I do get pregnant again and I can't hurry this or something bad may happen again. Sometimes its just so hard.

God's Garden Must Be Beautiful

God saw you getting tired,
when a cure was not to be.
So he wrapped his arms around you
and he whispered, "Come to me".
You didn't deserve what ou went through
so he gave you rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
he only picks the best
and when i saw you sleeping,
so peaceful and free from pain,
I could not wish you back
to suffer that again.

I saw this poem in one of the mass cards they gave my baby Nathan. I loved it. It made me cry but it also made me realize that it is true. How can I wish him back just so I can have him but he'll be in pain? I love him too much to make him suffer.

Forgetting grief

People always ask me how I am and I always say I'm ok. I may have been trained too well in that regard. Our culture trains us to be polite and always appear composed. Even when you've lost someone, people expect us to be accomodating during the wake. That's the weird thing about Filipino culture. The wake lasts for 3 or more days where everyone visits you. Evene though I just gave birth 3 days before the start of the wake, I still stayed there everyday. I slept on benches, accomodated guests till 12 midnight, woke up early just to wash up at home then go back to the wake.

The truth is, I'm not ok. It's been a month but I'm still not ok. People grieve in different ways and I don't know what to do really. My days are not spent crying all day. I don't go out drinking myself to a stupor everyday though I would like to do that at least one day. I still function. Most of the time I just feel extremely lonely. While I used to cry in front of my family before, then a week after that I just used to cry in front of neal. Now I just get to cry when no one is awake or when no one is around. I'm tired of people telling me that I have to let go and get over this. I will. I know eventually I can think of my baby and not be sad. The pain won't completely go away but it will get easier. I just don't think it will happen in a month. Especially when I'm just at home doing nothing. I'm not focused on anything and all my preparation to take care of my baby during these months is useless.

When I see a baby in tv or anything remotely related to kids I still cry. I saw a House episode where there was this older brother taking care of his younger brother and I just can't help think of Nathan. Imagining how he would be if he grew up.

Sometimes people can't let go of their grief. I understand that too. I just don't want to let go of it now but I will let go of it.

I just really want to hold my baby and take care of him. Now I can't.

A friend of mine called me today. We haven't even met personally we just worked on a project together a few months before Nathan was born. I don't even know what she looks like since she is in India. She knew I was pregnant though and she even sent a pic of her baby to me. I promised her a picture of Nathan. I sent her an email about what happened to Nathan and she was also touched. SHe called me today just to ask how I was doing. Her voice was so soft and sad and I couldn't help myself from trying to comfort her even though she was trying to comfort me. Nathan is that special. He can affect people who haven't even met him. Half of what she said was lost in translation but I knew what she wanted to say and I appreciate it.

I still feel the pain. I am not mad at everyone else for not being sad like me but it makes me so lonely. I want to be able to talk to someone about this but I don't know anyone. Sometimes my mom tells me other people I know who had miscarriages but it's still different. I think about all my friends who've had more than one children and I feel orphaned. I really lost someone. I lost hope. I was so hopeful for his future. I had already prepared my world to accomodate him. It's just so unfair.

I want to have another child as soon as possible but it's not possible now. I'm counting months but days pass me by. Neal wants to wait until we move out to our new house. That might take 6 months at least and I can't wait that long. My heart can't wait that long. I don't know how he manages it. Especially since he's the one who really wanted a baby even before we got married. Now that it seems the tables have turned. It just hurts more for me. He seems so patient. I envy him.

What do you do when you've lost hope? I know we can still have kids. We are still healthy and normal but a part of me was disappointed when the doctor didn't say that we needed to try getting a baby again as soon as possible. I'm apparently better because 9 months of pregnancy did my endometriosis a whole lot of good. My baby probably did me more good than I did him.

I just need to figure out what to do next.

My current favorite word:

hope

Mother's Day

Mother's Day went by yesterday. I was initially planning to just crawl under my bed and let the day past me by. I had been dreading it the last couple of days. How do you know if you qualify for mother's day? I was a mother only for a day and I wasn't even allowed to do any motherly duties except hold my son's foot and hand for a few minutes.

I was so excited about this day two months before. I was going to be officially a mother for the first time and even though my son wouldn't be old enough to give me presents or greet me, I was still happy.

However since I was living with my own mother, who sometimes doesn't know when she hurts her children, demanded a mother's day celebration from us so we didn't have any choice.

I was initially very happy though. I woke up around 5am and while I was half asleep I felt happy and I realized it was because I could feel Nathan somewhere in the room. Actually, I could feel his presence between me and neal and I just felt happy knowing that he was with me even for a moment. I had to sleep again though and when I woke up he was gone.

I spent the morning arranging baby Nathan's clothes and stuff in a storage container. My dad was planning on putting them all in his house in the province so I wouldn't see them everyday. I wrapped his clothes in an airtight plastic and placed all his bottles, toys and baby items in a big plastic box. Even the items that my uncle and aunt sent from the States went there. I only left the items we would need to give away such as baby wipes, baby bath and diapers. They all expire next year and since neal isn't really hurrying to try again I can't hang on to them.

After a normal trip to the mall where my family ate at Mini Shabu Shabu, we decided to go to Christ the King early to visit my baby. The Garden of the Divine Word was holding a mass specially for mothers so we decided to stay. I had to sign up because the person in charge of the list knew about my baby's funeral 3 weeks before so I couldn't go without signing. Before the mass, we visited baby nathan's grave and I couldn't help but cry. I still miss him terribly. It's so hard to believe it's only been weeks. Sometimes it feels like years but the pain still feels like it just happened yesterday. I had to stay and cry even though I knew he wasn't there.

I still can't stop myself from crying during mass. Especially yesterday. It wasn't that the sermon was partcularly good but more on the fact that I always think of him when I'm inside a church. Nathan is the one who got me going back there in the first place. When we found out about his congenital defects I went to church every Sunday to pray for him. The priest said that the mother's catholic duty is to show their kids the way to God. For me it's different. Nathan is showing me the way to God. Nathan is the only one who convinced me that going to heaven is worth it. I never truly wanted to go to heaven till he died and I realized that the only way I can see him again is to follow him there.

I wanted to visit him again after the mass but the rain kept me from going there. The garden was very beautiful with its lights and the rain made everything glow. I'm glad we placed his ashes there. I want him to have the best even if it's only for his resting place.

Nathan's favorite song

Though we weren't able to sing this to him in the hospital, neal and I used to sing this to him when he was still in my womb. We also sang it everyday during the wake and I plan to sing it to him every time we visit his grave.






I'm Yours

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
A la peaceful melody
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
No need to complicate
(well, open up your mind and see like me)
Our time is short
(Open up your plans and damn you're free)
It can not wait, I'm yours
(Look into your heart and you'll find love love love)

No, I won't hesitate no more, no more
(Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me)
(A la one big family)
It cannot wait I'm sure
(It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love)
No need to complicate
(well, open up your mind and see like me)
Our time is short
(Open up your plans and damn you're free)
It can not wait, I'm yours
(Look into your heart and you'll find love love love)

No please don't complicate, our time is short
(Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me)
(A la happy family)
It is our fate, I'm yours
(It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love)
No please don't hesitate no more, no more
(Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me)
(A la peaceful family)

The beginning

I'm starting this blog to help me remember my son, Nathan. The entries will probably be more of a catharsis to everything that has happened to me as well as reminders and memories for my one day old miracle. I only have one request and that is that no one place ads in this blog since this will only be read by me and a few friends. I just want a place on the internet where I can remember my son.

In Memoriam

Nathaniel Jean Gabriel Dalusong Saveron

April 18, 2009 (1:11 PM)
April 20, 2009 (5:27 AM)

He lived for 1 day, 15 hours and 16 minutes.
Touched the lives of over a hundred people, most of which didn't even see him alive.
He will always be in my heart after he spent 9 months under it.
He'll watch over us until we join him.