Friday, May 22, 2009

giving is also part of letting go

Hi baby Nathan,

Today I officially gave away some of your baby things. I've packed everything else in plastic boxes. All of your clothes are placed in vacuum sealed pack even the ones from your grandparents in America. You would have loved them. They had animal prints that we loved in onesies, there were also towels, socks and mittens. They were all in green too. They didn't even know that was my favorite color.

There are some stuff I can't keep for your future siblings though. Like diapers (which only has a two year life for some strange reason), baby wash and baby wipes.

I don't think we will be having kids till next year and we can just buy these later for your future siblings. I know you won't mind. It makes me feel quite sad that we have to let go of some things. Especially since these were all handpicked by me or given to you by someone.

There is something I want to do for you. I wanted to do something handmade for your grave. Initially I just wanted candles but I'm now looking at origami projects. I want to make a collage for you. I just want to do something. Anything really. I'm getting the pictures developed tomorrow so I can start on your scrapbook.

I'm doing better though I think I need some kind of punishment every time I cry because of you.

Maybe not.

I dreamt about your great grandmother the other day. I saw her and she was so happy. I was able to hug her and I was crying because I was so glad I saw her again.

I wonder if you've seen her. Though I think your great grandfather will be a better playmate since he's used to taking care of me and I was a very playful and boisterous kid. Our family adores boys more than girls so you'll be ok. They'll take care of you.

I love you.

your mother.

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