Forgetting grief

People always ask me how I am and I always say I'm ok. I may have been trained too well in that regard. Our culture trains us to be polite and always appear composed. Even when you've lost someone, people expect us to be accomodating during the wake. That's the weird thing about Filipino culture. The wake lasts for 3 or more days where everyone visits you. Evene though I just gave birth 3 days before the start of the wake, I still stayed there everyday. I slept on benches, accomodated guests till 12 midnight, woke up early just to wash up at home then go back to the wake.

The truth is, I'm not ok. It's been a month but I'm still not ok. People grieve in different ways and I don't know what to do really. My days are not spent crying all day. I don't go out drinking myself to a stupor everyday though I would like to do that at least one day. I still function. Most of the time I just feel extremely lonely. While I used to cry in front of my family before, then a week after that I just used to cry in front of neal. Now I just get to cry when no one is awake or when no one is around. I'm tired of people telling me that I have to let go and get over this. I will. I know eventually I can think of my baby and not be sad. The pain won't completely go away but it will get easier. I just don't think it will happen in a month. Especially when I'm just at home doing nothing. I'm not focused on anything and all my preparation to take care of my baby during these months is useless.

When I see a baby in tv or anything remotely related to kids I still cry. I saw a House episode where there was this older brother taking care of his younger brother and I just can't help think of Nathan. Imagining how he would be if he grew up.

Sometimes people can't let go of their grief. I understand that too. I just don't want to let go of it now but I will let go of it.

I just really want to hold my baby and take care of him. Now I can't.

A friend of mine called me today. We haven't even met personally we just worked on a project together a few months before Nathan was born. I don't even know what she looks like since she is in India. She knew I was pregnant though and she even sent a pic of her baby to me. I promised her a picture of Nathan. I sent her an email about what happened to Nathan and she was also touched. SHe called me today just to ask how I was doing. Her voice was so soft and sad and I couldn't help myself from trying to comfort her even though she was trying to comfort me. Nathan is that special. He can affect people who haven't even met him. Half of what she said was lost in translation but I knew what she wanted to say and I appreciate it.

I still feel the pain. I am not mad at everyone else for not being sad like me but it makes me so lonely. I want to be able to talk to someone about this but I don't know anyone. Sometimes my mom tells me other people I know who had miscarriages but it's still different. I think about all my friends who've had more than one children and I feel orphaned. I really lost someone. I lost hope. I was so hopeful for his future. I had already prepared my world to accomodate him. It's just so unfair.

I want to have another child as soon as possible but it's not possible now. I'm counting months but days pass me by. Neal wants to wait until we move out to our new house. That might take 6 months at least and I can't wait that long. My heart can't wait that long. I don't know how he manages it. Especially since he's the one who really wanted a baby even before we got married. Now that it seems the tables have turned. It just hurts more for me. He seems so patient. I envy him.

What do you do when you've lost hope? I know we can still have kids. We are still healthy and normal but a part of me was disappointed when the doctor didn't say that we needed to try getting a baby again as soon as possible. I'm apparently better because 9 months of pregnancy did my endometriosis a whole lot of good. My baby probably did me more good than I did him.

I just need to figure out what to do next.