Mother's Day

Mother's Day went by yesterday. I was initially planning to just crawl under my bed and let the day past me by. I had been dreading it the last couple of days. How do you know if you qualify for mother's day? I was a mother only for a day and I wasn't even allowed to do any motherly duties except hold my son's foot and hand for a few minutes.

I was so excited about this day two months before. I was going to be officially a mother for the first time and even though my son wouldn't be old enough to give me presents or greet me, I was still happy.

However since I was living with my own mother, who sometimes doesn't know when she hurts her children, demanded a mother's day celebration from us so we didn't have any choice.

I was initially very happy though. I woke up around 5am and while I was half asleep I felt happy and I realized it was because I could feel Nathan somewhere in the room. Actually, I could feel his presence between me and neal and I just felt happy knowing that he was with me even for a moment. I had to sleep again though and when I woke up he was gone.

I spent the morning arranging baby Nathan's clothes and stuff in a storage container. My dad was planning on putting them all in his house in the province so I wouldn't see them everyday. I wrapped his clothes in an airtight plastic and placed all his bottles, toys and baby items in a big plastic box. Even the items that my uncle and aunt sent from the States went there. I only left the items we would need to give away such as baby wipes, baby bath and diapers. They all expire next year and since neal isn't really hurrying to try again I can't hang on to them.

After a normal trip to the mall where my family ate at Mini Shabu Shabu, we decided to go to Christ the King early to visit my baby. The Garden of the Divine Word was holding a mass specially for mothers so we decided to stay. I had to sign up because the person in charge of the list knew about my baby's funeral 3 weeks before so I couldn't go without signing. Before the mass, we visited baby nathan's grave and I couldn't help but cry. I still miss him terribly. It's so hard to believe it's only been weeks. Sometimes it feels like years but the pain still feels like it just happened yesterday. I had to stay and cry even though I knew he wasn't there.

I still can't stop myself from crying during mass. Especially yesterday. It wasn't that the sermon was partcularly good but more on the fact that I always think of him when I'm inside a church. Nathan is the one who got me going back there in the first place. When we found out about his congenital defects I went to church every Sunday to pray for him. The priest said that the mother's catholic duty is to show their kids the way to God. For me it's different. Nathan is showing me the way to God. Nathan is the only one who convinced me that going to heaven is worth it. I never truly wanted to go to heaven till he died and I realized that the only way I can see him again is to follow him there.

I wanted to visit him again after the mass but the rain kept me from going there. The garden was very beautiful with its lights and the rain made everything glow. I'm glad we placed his ashes there. I want him to have the best even if it's only for his resting place.