conquering tv and masses

I think I hate the TV these days. Maybe its only because it's May and Mother's Day is such a big deal. Next month, it will be Father's Day and that will probably be another baby related thing. I just hate a lot of my favorite shows. I've been watching House for a couple of seasons now and they never have more than one episode involving a baby or a pregnant woman. Now it seems like this season's full of them because Cuddy wants a baby. Now she has one whose basically the same age as my baby. Even Grey's Anatomy had baby episodes when a doctor's own baby was hurt, he had Diaphragmatic hernia as well. Even Discovery channel and the Lifestyle Network has shows I would have loved to watch if baby Nathan was still alive. Now all I do is try to forget everything I was thinking about the last couple of months.

I hate this year. I hate this birthday, Why this year of all years? Why did he have to die? Why couldn't I keep him? I'm not a bad person? I probably wouldn't be a bad parent. I would have taken care of him.. What makes me different from all the other people I know who are going to give birth this year? I feel so lonely. A LOT of my friends and relatives are going to give birth this year. Some of them even have two kids. Why can't I be allowed even one? My cousin gave birth last January, her twin sister is 5 months pregnant. Cel gave birth last February, Tin last April and even Maui is pregnant and will give birth in July or August. Even my husband's sister will give birth in August. Why is my fate so horrible to me? I'm the only one who lost my baby. In the only year that I'm practically going to be surrounded by babies.

What's worse, I'm not even pregnant and I can't be pregnant for 3 months because of my doctor and Neal won't allow me to get pregnant this year either because waiting for our house to get built just takes too long. He's not helping me to get things done because his priority is the car. Can't I be selfish for once? I had such a beautiful baby... and I didn't even get to spend that much time with him. But he was mine and I already bonded with him even if they took him away. It's so unfair. Some parents take days before bonding with their babies. It hurts every time I remember him.

I'm so scared that I won't have another baby. Or that something bad will happen again or something...I can't stop this feeling unless I get pregnant again, then I'll probably be paranoid till I get a CAS on my 20th week and get an ALL HEALTHY result. Then after that I'll probably get worried till I give birth then after that I'll probably scar my baby for life because I will always be too paranoid that something will happen to him and I'll lose him again.

I hate going to mass. I always cry. I don't even have to have a reason anymore. I just cry. It doesn't matter which church, which priest, whatever reading. I just cry. I feel stupid because most of the time, the mass isn't even dramatic. The homily is normal and not heart wrenching and out of all the people, I'm the only one crying.

I hate it when people tell me I have an angel watching over me. I hate it for two reasons, one, it makes me cry and two, I'd rather have a normal baby. A lot of people live perfectly ok with a normal baby. Why can't I?

I know Nathan's an angel but most of the time I'd rather have him here with me so I can hold him.