living with uncertainty

Neal and I had another talk yesterday. I told him that I was having problems because I feel scared all the time now. My world, which used to be so safe and solid, was suddenly shaken at the very foundation. When something like this happens, it seems like anything can happen. Your life can never be normal.

We have changed from what we used to be and now it's up to us to be able to determine if the change is for the good or not. We know that we don't understand what has happened to us or why it had to happen to us. What's worse is this does not excuse us from other bad things happening to us in the future. Just because Nathan died does not mean that all our other kids, if we still have kids in the future, are not exempt from bad things happening to them.

As Filipinos, we like to comfort other people with those words. During the wake I couldn't even count the number of times that people told me that "we were still young, we would still have more kids" or that "God will give you lots of children". We don't know that for sure. Nobody knows that for sure. Although the signs are good, we are both healthy human beings anyway and we have no visible problems in conceiving, we still aren't sure. Even if we do have kids, we don't have a 100% chance that the baby will be completely healthy. In fact, we have nothing to hold on to.

That's faith for you. It's when you realize that you are not, nor were you ever in control of your life. You make decisions and you hope for the best. I realized that even after everything, my faith in God is still strong. Though I know I don't have the right to expect anything from him I still ask. I don't blame him for what happened. Sometimes I ask him why even if I know there is a big chance I may never know the answer. All I can do now is hope and pray.

I envy neal because he learned about this earlier than me. We will never know what the future holds. The world doesn't owe us anything. We just have to be strong and do our best to handle whatever situation life throws at us.

I just pray that we always have the strength to overcome any obstacle that comes our way.