Beginner's Luck

Another pregnancy is scary especially for me since I still believe I failed big time in my first attempt. I don't have a baseline. Plus the fact that I always have beginner's luck or I always fail miserably. I don't want to fail miserably again. I want to be able to have kids. Without a previous experience of success I can only hope that the next one is better. I'm really scared of hoping.

Impending

I think I may be pregnant and it scares the hell out of me.
One, because I may not be pregnant and I'm setting myself up for a major disappointment or two, I'm worried because I have not been feeling well lately.
I blame this on 3 day weekends and unprotected sex.
The last time we had a 3 day weekend, Neal and I spent it alone in a not so wholesome way. Unfortunately, the withdrawal method can only be as safe as you want it to be.
I started thinking I was pregnant because of the way I felt when we went to work the next day. It was similar to when I started to believe I was pregnant with Nathan. The same weird feelings where you just feel sick and tired and you don't understand where all the feelings are coming from.
The problem is I've been getting sickly. I had a temperature of 37 degrees Celsius once and I panicked. I can't tell my parents yet or my sister. Neal's the only one I've spoken to about this and even he hates to hear me talk. So here I am posting on my blog. Sometimes I don't know if he believes me or not. He won't listen when I'm feeling sick but when I want to eat something bad, he keeps me from eating it.
My symptoms come and go. I've stopped going to the gym because I really feel tired and exerting myself hurts. I felt queasy today in the shuttle. Admittedly, the driver's style of driving can probably make anybody sick but I've been riding the van driven by the same driver for a while now and I never felt sick.
I feel weird. Period. I wish there was a way to find out sooner. I never felt like this during the previous months so I hope I'm not making it up.
I have to wait for almost 2 more weeks before we can find out if this is real or not.
I honestly don't know what I prefer. Now that the possibility is here, it scares me.

The marshmallow test

Sometimes I think this is just a marshmallow test. More accurately, I wish it was a marshmallow test. Except here, they show you a marshmallow and they keep let you hold it, taste a small bit then take it away, promising two if you just wait. I hope life can be fair but I know it isn't. You get what you get whether you deserve it or not. All you have control over is how you will react to the world.

Someday, all my writings here will seem exaggerated. I will read them and think: "Was it really that bad?"

I know it will. Everything in life can be that simple as long as you can view it that way. You can be happy as long as you want to be.

Emptiness

Sometimes, when I just lie down in bed and it's quiet, I feel my tummy move. Not big movements, they're like small kicks. I know it's insane to think it's anything other than a muscle spasm. My stomach can't hold anything right now but food and water. I still feel it though.
I think the thing that hurts most is the empty feeling. It's not just loneliness. It's emptiness.
I feel it because I had someone inside me then I gave birth. The natural order of things would be to have that child to take care of. I don't. My body is looking for it. That feeling of taking care of someone. I miss my child.
I feel that if I get pregnant again then maybe that emptiness may be filled.

Maybe it will, maybe not.

The only thing I can do is try.

bad night

Last night I went on an all time low. I was suddenly worried that my blood sugar levels were too high. I exercise at least 3x a week except for the last two weeks because I was out of town or sick. I've checked my blood sugar twice and they were at 106 and 112. Both are now apparently above the normal level which is 105. My mom also has diabetes and so did my grandmother on my father's side plus a few more relatives. I've always had low blood sugar even when I loved eating sweets. So why the high blood sugar? I was so scared that I could be diabetic. Diabetics have complications during pregnancy. They can lose their child or the child will be born with defects. I had a baby when I was suppose to be normal but I lost him. What chance do I have when I'm diabetic?
So I took that as the last straw. I lost hope and I gave up. I didn't want kids anymore. Life is just making me bitter. Letting me taste something just to pull it away. Am I so bad that I have to be Tantalus on earth?
What should I do? Is this like love? If you keep looking for it nothing happens but if you don't, there it is?
Or is it the same as losing hope when you stop looking?
Seriously, I don't want to dream anymore. Dreaming gives you hope and when you have that, it's easier to fall.
Hope gives you wings and you never know if they are real or not until you fly over the ocean.

Funeral mess

Last night we went to a wake and confirmed that I can't go to a wake or funeral these days. It wasn't the fact that the funeral home we visited was the same one we had the wake for Nathan in. It wasn't the nostalgic feeling of going up the same place I stayed in for 5 days. It was the fact that the widow mentioned Nathan again. Telling me things like "Too bad" or "How sad" or "What a loss" or "You'll have more kids in the future" or "God is good" doesn't really help. The only trigger she failed to mention was "Well at least now you have an angel watching over you". I hate that. Maybe because they don't understand what I'm feeling yet they try to comfort me. Maybe it's just the fact that I don't believe all that or maybe because I'd rather have my child instead of an angel. I'm at my most selfish and materialistic stage. I hate the afterlife. I hate it and I don't care about it but I don't dare stop believing in it. This is why people desperately believe in life after death. You don't want to think that that's it. That you'll never see my child/lover/parent again.
This year is riddled with tragedy. I may just be watching too much news but a LOT of people died this year. People who had a big effect on other people.
I watched about the landslides and the floods and the loss of lives on the ferry just a couple of days ago. I should stop watching the news.
There was a mother of a 2 year old child who lost her son because he drowned when the boat capsized. She said that she just hopes that when she gets pregnant again, she will still have the same child she lost because she really loved that child. I wonder if we feel the same? Does the loss of a child give you this urge to have another one? I can't even handle the 2 month wait. I wonder how she handles it? Facing a tragedy head on especially after you've had your child for 2 years. What I'm feeling must be insignificant since I only had my baby for 2 days.

Waiting!!!

I still have to wait for 2 more months for the house to be finished. I really can't wait. Can't I cheat?

the missing link

I really hate going to church these days. I went to church last Saturday (first Saturday mass at Christ the King) and I just cried. Mainly because the priest who officiated kept saying things that really hit home. Things like hope and how I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself. It's true. I have been feeling sorry for myself. Lately, I've been feeling lonely too because I couldn't find anyone who went through the same thing. I have to accept the fact that I will never find one. I don't even want to find one.
I've been dreading going to people's houses that have babies or pregnant women. I feel bad because I have been avoiding my friends, Neal's friends and his family. I'd rather stick to single non pregnant friends. I even start to hate meeting people with kids. Especially when they have more than one. I don't think it's understandable. It's not logical and I know that. These people don't have any connection with what happened to me and besides, I can't hide from more than half of the human population. It really is crazy.
I've actually been in some situations where a newborn baby was paraded in front of me. Twice. I was ok. The first time, I didn't really look at the baby, I just made polite comments and I was fine. The next time I was near a newborn baby, I even got to hold it's hand and say hello and goodbye. I don't have any right to hate them or their parents.
What amazes me is that I don't get affected when I do get to see the babies. It's when I'm alone, like here in this cold office when nobody's still around, that's when sadness hits me.
Jealousy is a mean cold bitch.
My body is rebelling against me. I've been fine the last couple of months, completely healthy. These days when I'm trying to convince Neal we can start having a baby, I get sick. Not even just slightly sick... No... I get all kinds of sicknesses. It seems like the world is out to get me again even if it isn't. I don't know what I can do. I have a cough, my back hurts, my eyes are always filmy and I even have random bouts of fever. It's irritating!
What can I do? I don't want to feel like I have to put up a brave face but nobody wants to talk to me about how I feel. Even if they do, I end up lying most of the time.
I think there's a missing link between my logical side and emotional side. Somehow, my logical side should convince my emotional side that 2 more months is NOT so bad. Especially since I have already waited 6 months anyway.
The next two months are going to be busy. I just need to wait and prepare and hope for the best.