the missing link

I really hate going to church these days. I went to church last Saturday (first Saturday mass at Christ the King) and I just cried. Mainly because the priest who officiated kept saying things that really hit home. Things like hope and how I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself. It's true. I have been feeling sorry for myself. Lately, I've been feeling lonely too because I couldn't find anyone who went through the same thing. I have to accept the fact that I will never find one. I don't even want to find one.
I've been dreading going to people's houses that have babies or pregnant women. I feel bad because I have been avoiding my friends, Neal's friends and his family. I'd rather stick to single non pregnant friends. I even start to hate meeting people with kids. Especially when they have more than one. I don't think it's understandable. It's not logical and I know that. These people don't have any connection with what happened to me and besides, I can't hide from more than half of the human population. It really is crazy.
I've actually been in some situations where a newborn baby was paraded in front of me. Twice. I was ok. The first time, I didn't really look at the baby, I just made polite comments and I was fine. The next time I was near a newborn baby, I even got to hold it's hand and say hello and goodbye. I don't have any right to hate them or their parents.
What amazes me is that I don't get affected when I do get to see the babies. It's when I'm alone, like here in this cold office when nobody's still around, that's when sadness hits me.
Jealousy is a mean cold bitch.
My body is rebelling against me. I've been fine the last couple of months, completely healthy. These days when I'm trying to convince Neal we can start having a baby, I get sick. Not even just slightly sick... No... I get all kinds of sicknesses. It seems like the world is out to get me again even if it isn't. I don't know what I can do. I have a cough, my back hurts, my eyes are always filmy and I even have random bouts of fever. It's irritating!
What can I do? I don't want to feel like I have to put up a brave face but nobody wants to talk to me about how I feel. Even if they do, I end up lying most of the time.
I think there's a missing link between my logical side and emotional side. Somehow, my logical side should convince my emotional side that 2 more months is NOT so bad. Especially since I have already waited 6 months anyway.
The next two months are going to be busy. I just need to wait and prepare and hope for the best.