40 days

Last Saturday we celebrated Nathan's 40 days after his death. I'm not sure if it is a Filipino tradition that just has its roots in Catholicism or if it is an actual ritual celebrated by Catholics. 40 days is a significant date because it is the time Jesus spent here on earth before going up to heaven after he resurrected. Nathan's 40 days coincided with Pentecost Sunday which is the day the Holy Spirit came down to the apostles to give them strength and knowledge. It is also the day the Catholic Church was born. We celebrated the mass on Saturday evening. Neal had already said that I shouldn't cry at mass; something I've been doing regularly the past month. I made it up to the holy communion when the choir started to sing and I looked at Neal. He was crying. He didn't want me to know but I knew he was furiously dabbing at his eyes because of his tears. I couldn't help it either and I cried too. Everyday I just pray for strength. I need to concentrate on getting better so that I can be ready if I get pregnant again. Somehow Neal seems more open to the idea of getting pregnant this year instead of waiting again next year.. especially if he misses our baby. I'm just waiting for my doctor's "Go" signal. I really don't want to wait because I'm not really that young anymore even though people say otherwise. I just want to make sure and I don't want to have just one baby. I just hope when the time comes, we will be ready and we make the right decision.