walking the line

I feel like a tight rope walker. If I let myself sway in one direction, I'll fall. Into what? I'm not even sure of that.
I wish I was really strong. Not this fake strength I've got pulled on that's so easily blown off by the slightest wind.
I googled for "How to get hope back". I got like tons of "how to get my lover back" pages.
I still have hope. It's currently being raised in Alabang. I just don't have patience. I know Neal tells me every time that everything will be ok but I guess I just want to experience it first before I can breathe easier.
I guess I'm scared that something else will happen. I'm scared because I know there's no way I can be sure.
I've been wanting twins and I keep hearing news about conjoined twins. I'm scared that it will happen to me.
Now in the news, I saw two siblings with cleft lips. I feel so weak against this.
I hate fate. How can I be so lucky but not be able to give that luck to my child? I'd rather lose everything than to lose another baby.
With this world, how can I get my hope back?