Sometimes I wonder if I'd like to know the real reason behind baby Nathan's congenital defects. A part of me wants to know so that I can make sure that it doesn't happen again on my next pregnancy. Somehow, the doctor's assurance that my next baby will be normal is not so assuring. Considering she can't give an exact reason as to why everything happened.
Another part of me is scared to know what happened. If I did know the real reason, if there is a real definite reason for everything, can I ever forgive myself? The reason will most probably be related to me. It could be something I drank, my sickness during my first trimester or even if it is just pollutants in the air or what I ate, I will still be blaming myself. I would still be stuck in the past regretting what I had done, what I could have done... all those What Ifs...
It'll probably drive me crazy...
So far I have been living without regret even after everything that has happened. I don't want to change that. I'm already hung up on my future.. I want to fast forward to next year so I can try again, I don't want to be hung up in my past as well. I won't have any more time for the present.
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