faith

I've been wondering why I haven't lost faith in God. When people get affected by tragedy I believe they can go in one of two ways: your faith in God is strengthened or you lose it completely. I was never a very devout Catholic. If I can stop going to Church I will. Before I got pregnant I don't even remember when I last prayed at night so constantly. I believed in God as in the Catholic Church but I'm not ignorant of how man can easily manipulate religion. When I was in High School I actually wanted to switch to Buddhism, and I even became a kind of atheist for a time until I found out that I had too much faith in me to be a true atheist. Plus, I couldn't live with the uncertainty.
Faith is a person's lifeline. The one thing that gives you hope. Hope that everything will eventually be better, hope that all your dreams will come true and most especially, hope that when you die, it's not the end.
Now I know why I didn't lose my faith. Why I don't blame God for anything. I don't understand what happened but I didn't lose faith.
Every time I go to church or pray, I cry. Especially when there are songs and lines that tell you God can do anything and He can give you what you need. I can't handle it. I don't understand the effect it has on me. Whether it's good or not. If I feel sad because for me God has failed me or because it's giving me hope that God will give me what I need.
All I know right now is that I believe in God and Heaven and everything because if I don't then I have to believe that I will never see my son again. That he spent one day here with me and I will never see him again. I can't accept that. I believe in God because that gives me hope that one day... someday... I will be able to go to heaven and I can be with my son again. Right now, that's all I'm clinging on.
It's been almost two months and I still cry. I still can't let go.
I only wish I'm not going insane yet.