drowning your sorrow

So it turns out I may not be pregnant after all. I am definitely spotting and it is way too late for implantation blood or whatever. I can't believe how much this is affecting me. Considering I have been getting my period for 7 months now. I guess I'm just really saddened by this because I really wanted it. But miracles can't happen if only one of you wants it.

I have a heavy heart. I feel it on top of my stomach now, instead of my chest. I wish it was easy to drown my sorrow. I wish I could just go out and shop and be happy. The problem is, it only distracts me. It doesn't make me happy. Similar to when I started going out and Neal wanted me to buy all these things to keep me occupied. It kept me occupied but deep down inside I still longed to buy baby toys, clothes and all those stupid things you really don't need but manage to worm their way into your hearts through cuteness.

I want that. Years of buying other children toys for Christmas and this Christmas I can't even buy my son a toy. After all those months of waiting and planning... checking out all the toys that I want, books I was going to read to him. Now I have to wait for 9 more months plus whatever number of months Neal wants to wait.

I hate waiting.

I hate Halloween where people will be parading their children in the office again.

I hate October because all the stores have baby sales.

I hate Christmas because everyone will be bringing their children to malls buying them gifts.

I hate going anywhere to celebrate Christmas because their families are complete and they all have healthy babies and kids.

I hate Neal for making me wait. I think it's unfair but I can't do anything about it.

I hate crying. I cry whenever I'm alone these days and I am alone most of the time.

Most of all, I hate the fact that even after 7 months I apparently still can't let go.